


The Pain a Rock(y) Feels

by AnnieBoBannie



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Abuse, And he doesn't love himself, Astro - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Everyone else really loves Rocky, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sad, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, This hurts me, Underage Drinking, i'm so sorry?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2019-06-27 07:30:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 67,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15680832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnieBoBannie/pseuds/AnnieBoBannie
Summary: Rocky always knew that after debut there would be hate, but he never would’ve assumed it would be him hating so completely against himself. Staring for hours at his flabby body or unsymmetrical face as he cried, desperate, choked off sobs while he tried to convince himself to get some sleep. He couldn’t remember when it had started, and he wished he knew when it would end.(Also known as: Astro is wonderful and loves Rocky very much, he just needs a little reassurance)





	1. The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo... my first fic?  
> This is NOT the first story that I wanted to post, but nothing else of mine is finished and I really wanted to start posting, so ta-da! It's literally JUST me venting my feelings, and hopefully none of it is true, all a work of fiction, stuff like that. I really wish the best for Astro so please don't take this the wrong way.  
> Anyways, this is a DARK story, so please be aware and if you have a history of depression or self-harm or are easily triggered PLEASE be careful when reading this.  
> Thanks for clicking on, I'm finally done ranting!  
> Enjoy and stay safe

Rocky sighed, steam following him out of the shower into the bathroom. He stared at himself in the mirror. Looked at his small arms, rigid face, and every other flaw he could find. There were so many. Too many to count. When they debuted he realized how severely he stood out. He danced too harshly, spoke too loud and little, stared too much, and all-in-all brought the group down. Astro would get more attention if Moon Bin got more time to dance and Jin Jin got more time to rap. Heck, Astro would get more attention if they were a group full of people who were natural in front of the camera. Which included everybody but him.  _ What a depressing thought. _

   “Rocky! Are you ever coming out?” Moon Bin beat his fist against the door making Rocky jump. His face tensed into a practice smile which made him wince at his reflection one last time. He then opened the door and scoffed at Moon Bin.

   “Jeez, can’t you wait for a few seconds?” Rocky huffed as he pushed past Bin, pretending not to notice the weird look Bin gave him as he walked into his shared room. 

Sanha glanced up at him then sighed when Rocky pointed at the door. “Out, I gotta change and you gotta shower,” Rocky said as he went to pull clothes out of his dresser. 

   “I don’t see why you’re so self-conscious, you’re gorgeous.” Sanha muttered under his breath as he headed to the bathroom. Rocky flushed, but pushed the words out of his mind to change. Once he was left alone again, a darkness crept back over his skin. His skin itched and his head hurt as he looked over all of the things he hated about himself.  _ Workout _ a voice whispered in the back of his mind. A shiver crawled up his back. He dressed quickly in some track pants that really emphasized how fat he was, and a loose shirt that made him look even weaker.

   In the kitchen Jin Jin was cooking eggs and MJ was telling jokes as he buttered bread while Eunwoo and Bin sat at the table talking quietly. Everybody stopped and stared at him in a way that made his skin crawl, just like before. He didn’t want their obvious pity. Jin Jin just smiled at him and pointed to a chair.

   “Sit down, breakfast will be ready in just a sec.” Rocky could hear the disgust in his voice and twitched his hand against his leg. Before Jin Jin had even finished his sentence Rocky was shaking his head back and forth vigorously. 

   “It’s fine, I ate before showering.” Rocky’s lie was obvious but he didn’t care. Jin Jin and Eunwoo raised an eyebrow at him while MJ gnawed on his bottom lip and Moon Bin nervously smiled at him. It was so awkward. Without another word he grabbed his workout bag and walked out of the room. He pretended he didn’t hear the whispers that started as soon as he shut the door and he pretended to not feel his heart clench painfully. He walked to the gym faster.

   At the gym his muscles burned and his shirt quickly soaked through with sweat.  _ What a wimp, just give up already _ . He gripped the bench press harder. Tears pricked in his eyes and his head swam.  _ Anybody else could’ve worked harder, longer, and better _ . His shaking arms finally gave out and he dropped the bar back onto its rests. He climbed out from under it and wiped his face with his shirt with a defeated growl. 

 

 

   Jin Jin cracked the weight room door open and watched as an utterly exhausted Rocky stumbled towards the treadmill. Everybody, (except Sanha, who had missed the breakfast exchange) knew something was wrong with Rocky. Rocky just so happened to be an absolutely  _ horrible _ liar, and was pretty much always as open book which was nice for Jin Jin. Unfortunately, Rocky was also definitely the hardest on himself and while that could be a good thing at times, it often led to days of no sleep and Jin Jin forcing him to eat and sleep before he passed out. Something was different this time though. Rocky never lied to him. He would avoid truths, break promises, and weasel his way out of stuff but he never outright lied. Jin Jin’s stomach turned at the thought of what Rocky was thinking at this very moment, what made him think it was okay to lie to Jin Jin.

Rocky jumped violently when Jin Jin tapped on his shoulder.

“Hey, c’mon. We’ve got choreo practice now.” Rocky looked half-dead but still nodded as he wiped his forehead. Jin Jin gently rubbed Rocky’s arm, frowning when Rocky flinched away from him. “Are you good to practice? I don’t want you overworking yourself so if you need to rest, take the day off.” Rocky frowned and refused to meet Jin Jin’s eyes as he shook his head aggressively. He grabbed a water bottle and took a deep drink while Jin Jin looked over him once more. After Jin Jin nodded once, resigned, they walked to the dance room together silently. 

Once in the practice room, Sanha grinned at Rocky while MJ caught Jin Jin’s eye with a worried glance only for Rocky to turn away and get in formation, closing his eyes when Jin Jin responded to MJ with a curt shake of his head.

 

 

The rest of practice went about as Rocky expected. Moon Bin and Jin Jin did near perfectly, Sanha was bubbly and fun the entire time, and both MJ and Eunwoo worked hard and improved incredibly over such a short amount of time. Rocky, on the other hand, was unfocused, confused, and working solely off his muscle memory. Every mistake he made was engraved in his memory for him to reflect on later when he was alone. 

Finally, Jin Jin clapped a few times and told everybody practice was done for the day. Sanha, MJ, and Eunwoo cheered as they went to the mirrored wall to get a drink. Both Moon Bin and Rocky went up to Jin Jin almost immediately and told him they were going to stay behind and practice a little longer. They both also flinched in surprise when Jin Jin clenched his jaw and told both of them “no” curtly.

“The gym, practice room, and the weight room are all off limits.” He stared directly at Rocky. “All of us are going to be taking a rest day.” Moon Bin glanced between Jin Jin and Rocky for a tense moment before he nodded. Just as he was opening his mouth to try and diffuse the situation Rocky cut in furiously. 

“What are you talking about? We don’t have time to just sit around. We have a comeback coming up and we don’t have the dances down yet. That means we are supposed to  _ keep  _ working, not stop working.” He growled, fists clenched by his sides. MJ noticed the tension and stepped quietly into the shrinking space between the two boys. Jin Jin responded by folding his arms and stepping closer to Rocky. Not a second later and Rocky mirrored him. They went back and forth until MJ was pressed tightly between the two of them.

“I am your leader and on top of that I am older than you. So back the hell up and show some respect. If I say you’re taking a rest day then take the damn rest day.” Jin Jin spit. Everybody was now on edge watching the duo. Jin Jin stood on edge and leaned in, waiting, ready. Rocky’s fists kept clenching and relaxing and his arms were fully tensed as he thought about a response. MJ frowned and sternly flicked both of them on the sternum. A hollow, thumping sound emanated from both the boys who simply ignored it.

“Both of you, take a step back.” MJ’s voice was out of character-- low and dangerous, making both the boys hesitate for a second. “Now.” He growled and shoved them back. 

With that the tension was broken. Rocky spun on his heel and stormed out while Jin Jin ran a hand through his hair tiredly. MJ ran a hand up and down Jin Jin’s arm supportively and Eunwoo distracted Sanha with a lame dad joke he heard from a friend. Moon Bin slowly followed Rocky out of the practice room.

As soon as the practice room door closed behind him, Rocky took off running. His lungs burned and black spots danced across his vision but he grit his teeth and kept running. After awhile, he realized he had instinctively started heading back to their shared dorm.  _ Stupid! You don’t even have a place you can go to get away from them. That’s how pathetic you are. _ His lungs changed from burning to non functioning as he listened to the awful voice in his head.  _ In a minute now you’ll start crying and run into the closest person’s arms, always needing their reassurance. _ His nails dug into his palms as he gasped, trying to get a lung-full of air. The same itching feeling from the morning was back with a vengeance. His nails sunk deeper in his skin and the fog in his brain started clearing up. After a few more seconds he felt like he no longer had to keep running. His sweat had chilled against his skin, but he didn’t care. For the first time all week nothing was running through his head besides the burning, painful pinch against his palms. 

He was standing still in front of the dorm room door when Bin finally found him. Bin’s hair was even more disheveled and he chest was heaving as he tried to catch his breath.

“What the heck man? I went out to talk to you and you were gone. I ran all over the training building looking for you! What gives?” His voice was shaky and there was so much concern in his eyes Rocky felt his chest collapsing in on itself from guilt. In an effort to reassure Bin a little bit Rocky smiled brightly. To a small degree he saw Bin calm down but it wasn’t enough.

“Sorry, I just had to get away. I felt bad for getting mad at Jin Jin.” Rocky kept smiling, hoping Bin would be satisfied and leave him alone, but instead Bin raised an eyebrow. 

“Getting mad at? I thought you were going to punch him!” Rocky put his hands up to try and stop Bin freaking out, but that only made Bin freak out more. A small amount of blood had pooled in his palms and was running down his wrists from small nail-shaped cuts in the centers of his palms. 

Bin’s concern turned gentler, more afraid, and he softly grabbed Rocky’s wrists. He pulled Rocky’s hands down flat and started inspecting the cuts, but his tight grip on Rocky’s wrists made Rocky panic. He started tugging against Bin’s grip frantically, but Bin was easily so much stronger because of how tired Rocky was. He shifted both of Rocky’s wrists into one of his hands and unlocked the dorm with his free hand. Rocky kept pulling against him, to the point that he had to start dragging Rocky into the dorm. Finally, he spun on Rocky.  

“Minhyuk! Just stop.” Rocky stopped struggling for a second because Bin sounded like he was ready to cry. “Let me just help take care of you for one second.” Rocky flinched and went back to struggling. 

“No!” Rocky hated how desperate he sounded as he weakly pulled against Bin, but he had to get away. “Why do people keep calling me by my real name? It’s Rocky now! Isn’t that why I have a stage name? Besides, it was just an accident, I promise it won’t happen again. I don’t need anybody to take care of me, and I won’t fight with JinJin ever against, just let me go. I’m fine. I’m fine. I swear that I’m fine.” Tears swam in his vision as he rambled along while Bin dragged him towards the counter. Bin finally slapped Rocky’s arm harshly, stunning Rocky.

“I don’t care right now Min. I honestly don’t. I will help you no matter how hard you struggle. These cuts need to be cleaned before they get infected.” His voice was clipped and cool. “The only difference is the longer you take, the higher the chance somebody else finds us and you have to explain it to them. Do you want that?” Rocky’s arms were starting to get sore from Bin’s death grip, so he finally relented with a small sigh and a shake of his head. Bin’s mouth tightened and he nodded back. He firmly maneuvered Rocky until he was sitting on the counter by the sink. Rocky sat motionlessly while Bin gently washed and dressed his wounds. When he was finished he just stared at Rocky’s bandaged hands. Bile burned in the back of Rocky’s throat. Rocky grabbed Bin’s hands until Bin looked directly into his eyes. 

“Thank you.” He whispered, voice hoarse from almost crying. “I dunno what happened, I guess the pressure just got to me for a second. I’m fine now though.” He tried to smiled reassuringly when Bin looked at him with disbelief. “I’m really in the mood for a movie now. Watch with me?” Bin opened his mouth to interrupt when Rocky’s grip tightened on his hands. “I promise I’ll apologize to Jin Jin when they get home.” Bin finally relented due to Rocky’s puppy dog eyes. He smiled sadly when Rocky cheered out of joy. “Carry me to the couch?” Rocky begged until Bin turned around with a small smile so he could climb on his back. 

Once they were settled on the couch with Rocky’s head in Bin’s lap and some old war movie playing in the background, Rocky fell asleep almost instantly. 

The rest of the boys came home a short while later to find Bin lazily pulling his fingers through Rocky’s hair. Jin Jin looked relieved to see Rocky snoozing on the couch and MJ shot him an I-told-you-so look.

“How’s he doing?” Jin Jin asked. Eunwoo and MJ stood close by while an irritated look crossed Sanha’s face. He wished everybody a good night then disappeared back into his room. 

“I honestly don’t know. He’s so stressed out and I don’t know how to help.” Moon Bin frowned. “I feel like he’s always lying to me about how he’s doing.” Jin Jin returned his frown and rubbed Bin’s shoulders.

“I know what you mean. We just need to keep watching him closely.” Bin nodded at Jin Jin’s words, then JinJin wished goodnight to both Eunwoo and Bin. MJ followed JinJin back to their room closely while Eunwoo sat on the couch next to Bin. Bin leaned into him gently, still trying not to wake Rocky up. 

“What were you thinking when you overworked yourself?” Bin asked gently, albeit tactlessly, making Eunwoo stiffen up. “Shoot, sorry.” Bin winced. “I shouldn’t have asked that. Never mind.”

“No, it’s okay.” Eunwoo sighed in a way that made him sound 30 years older than he actually was. “It was a gradual downward spiral. At first, I was noticing how I learned choreo slower, and I was always told I was the worst singer, so I had to work harder to make up for it. I was known for being a pretty face, so I had to be the prettiest of everybody, for the sake of our group. I didn’t notice when I stopped eating, and I hardly cared when I stopped sleeping. If I got any chance to be on screen for our group I had to do it because that’s the only thing I’m good for. I was given the most opportunities, but I also was the most criticized. I felt like I couldn’t talk to you guys, because I was already a big enough burden so I tried to deal with it all on my own. My way of dealing with it I guess was to just repress it until I started having nervous breakdowns before shoots.” His voice had started wavering by the time he was finished, but he cleared his throat and smiled tightly. Bin turned his upper body slightly and hugged Eunwoo desperately. 

“We all love and appreciate your hard work so, so much.” Bin mumbled into Eunwoo’s collarbone. Eunwoo laughed quietly and tried to hug Bin back in their awkward positioning. Unfortunately, all the shifting had started to wake Rocky up. 

“I know. Trust me, I know. And I’m getting better, I really am.” Bin smiled as Eunwoo rested his chin on top Bin’s head. Rocky groaned from his place squished between the two boys, only partly still on Bin’s lap. He rolled off the couch and groggily stood up. 

“Ah, sorry Minnie. We were trying to be quiet.” Bin said, shifting to get in a more comfortable position with Eunwoo. Rocky squinted at the pair. His hair was rumpled and sticking up in certain parts, and his left cheek had a bright red pressure mark on it. Both of the boys cooed at him when he rubbed his eyes sleepily.

“Goodnight.” He grumbled in an especially strong accent from sleep. The cuddling pair responded in kind as he stumbled into his and Sanha’s room. 

To Rocky’s surprise, Sanha was still awake and sitting up, tapping away on his phone. When Sanha noticed Rocky he smiled brightly.

“Good! You woke up. I couldn’t sleep cause I was lonely and homesick, come cuddle with me?” Sanha asked, setting his phone down and patting the space in the bed beside him. Rocky just squinted at him, head still foggy with sleep. Sanha laughed at his sleepy expression and stood up to be face-to-face(ish) with him. Rocky continued to stare at him with drooping eyes while Sanha held Rocky’s bandaged hands. He quietly fiddled with them, running his fingers over Rocky’s smooth wrists, the slight veins on the back of his hands, the rough gauze wrapped around the middle of both palms, and the bumps of his knuckles before bringing them to his mouth and kissing them softly. First on his knuckles, then Sanha turned his hand over and kissed right in the middle of both of his bandages. Rocky’s sleepy stare turned to horror when Sanha’s eyes started filling up with tears. Rocky softly cupped Sanha’s cheeks and rubbed his tears away, mumbling comforting words. “You know you can come to me, right? I’ll listen to anything. I promise! Even right now, when I’m so tired.” Sanha croaked, voice scratchy. The glazed look cleared from Rocky’s eyes and a dark look flitted across his face in response.

“Come on, let’s sleep.” His voice was deep and slightly gravelly when he pulled Sanha into one of the beds beside him. Sanha whined softly before curling into Rocky’s chest and clinging to his shirt almost desperately. Sanha fell asleep almost immediately, and the next morning pretended he didn’t notice the dark circles under Rocky’s eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first chapter is up!! I have a few chapters already written, but I still think I'll only try to update once a week, and we'll see how that goes. I promise my writing improves in later chapters. (Or at least I think it does) Please feel free to write any kind of comment, I need lots of validation. I literally don't even care what it says, if you comment I will love you forever!  
> <3 Absey


	2. Top of the Hill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the next week and a half, Rocky thought he had solved his problem, that is, until MJ caught him at the gym. Then everything started going downhill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy and stay safe

For the next week and a half, Rocky felt like he had solved his problem.

Depending on their schedule he would eat maybe one meal, practice 8 hours with the boys, come home, wait till Sanha was sleeping, then sneak back to workout longer before catching maybe an hour or two of sleep. Any time his head started getting too cloudy, the darkness came back too strong, or his skin started itching he would dig his fingernails into his upper arms. When he accidentally broke skin or made the bruising too dark he simply wore a slightly longer sleeved t-shirt. None of the group noticed when he started avoiding sleeveless shirts completely.

Everything was going fine. He thought he might even have been able to make it to their comeback without a noticeable breakdown, but oh how wrong he was.

It all started going downhill when MJ caught him at the gym.

He had a very stressful day earlier, shooting a teaser for their newest MV. He was working that stress off at the gym, but he hadn’t been paying attention to the time or the door as he worked out. Everything burned and his head was foggy. He was focused, though, which had always helped. _If it helped before, it has to help again. Right?_ So Rocky kept working, cardio, muscle-building, dance practice, stretching, then repeat. 

“I’m assuming you didn’t get up early?” MJ’s voice made Rocky jump. MJ stood in the doorway, door resting on his shoulder as he watched, a weird mix of concern and irritation was on his face. It was so utterly MJ, Rocky wanted to laugh. He was slightly delirious. With a wince he glanced down at his watch. _4:30, dang._ When Rocky just stared at MJ after, he sighed. “Kid, you know you don’t have to be perfect, right? None of us do. Our fans would rather see us happy and healthy than perfect.” Rocky scoffed at him which MJ responded to by raising an eyebrow. “Well, you do know that this,” he gestured to Rocky’s sweat-soaked attire, “needs to stop, right? If you keep working yourself this hard I’ll feel obligated to tell Bin and Sanha, which you know would crush their hearts.” Rocky paled and stepped closer to MJ.

“You do that and I’ll tell Jin Jin what you’ve been up to.” Rocky’s jaw was clenched. MJ stepped fully into the room, letting the door shut behind him with a thud.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” There was a forced nonchalance in MJ’s voice, and Rocky could see his fists tightening.

“Please.” Rocky rolled his eyes, “You probably sleep less than I do! Anytime I’m here you’re in one of the other rooms working on something. You never give yourself any time to rest and you’ve probably lost almost 15 pounds in the last month alone---”

“Ok, ok. I get it. Stop.” MJ leaned against the door and sank to the floor. “I won’t tell anybody if you won’t. Jin Jin doesn’t need me to be a bigger burden in his life, he’s already so stressed out.” Rocky looked at MJ pointedly before he sat down next to him with a slight groaned caused by his aching and stiff muscles.

“You know you don’t stress him out, right? He’s absolutely head over heels in love with you.” MJ’s eyes softened as Rocky spoke, but he ended up just shaking his head and dropping it to his knees. Finally Rocky relented. “Alright, I won’t tell if you won’t.” The two of them nodded, satisfied. Until MJ cut in.

“But if it gets too bad for either of us, we at least need to let each other know. That’s the only way we can stay semi-sane.”

“If we’re already here, isn’t it already too bad?” Rocky asked, looking around the weight room. MJ responded with another shake of his head, more violent than the last one.

“No. Right now we’re just working our absolute hardest to be the very best we can be for our fans.” It sounded like he was just trying to convince himself to Rocky, but he left it alone.Their meeting ended there.

They started meeting up and sneaking out together instead. They never said a word to each other, but they would get together once everybody else was asleep and trek to the training building together. All needed communication was done via text. Rocky would announce when Sanha was asleep, and MJ would do the same for Jin Jin. With Eunwoo and Moon Bin's room between them they would press their ears to the wall, listening for any type of noise. Rocky's heartbeat would pound and echo in his ear, but somehow MJ always knew when they were asleep. Once in the training building they did their best to avoid looking at each other, or in the mirrors. Rocky didn't like to see their pale skin or gaunt frames.

A week later MJ suddenly stopped showing up. Rocky wasn’t sure how to react, but he couldn’t help but be both happy and sad.

Sad, because he no longer had a friend to walk to and from the training building with.

Sad, because he no longer had someone who was sharing his experience, the pain, deep-set exhaustion that was impossible to handle alone. 

Sad, because he no longer had someone to announce to that he was ready to leave, who would respond with an enthusiastic text and far too many emojis.

But he was also so happy.

Happy, because the dark circles under MJ’s eyes started disappearing. 

Happy, because his radiant and happy life started returning to his smile.

Happy, because he had gained a little weight and no more looked gaunt.

The way MJ smiled and looked so alive now made Rocky almost want to ask MJ’s secret. Almost want to ask what had changed and if Rocky could do it too. Rocky desperately wanted to know if it was worth it, to get enough sleep. To say what was on his mind. To eat more than a slice or two of bread.

He never did though, he just started to sneak out after MJ was asleep too.

 

Things took a much darker turn mere days before their comeback.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Chapter 2. Again, like I previously warned, this story is very dark and it just keeps getting darker (with some obligatory fluff mixed in cause I'm a sap). Anyways, this chapter is really short (I apologize). Also, what the heck are perspectives? My bad, the perspective kinda just jumps around to whatever I feel like it should be but hopefully it isn't too confusing. I think I'll stick to updating on Fridays, but honestly who knows.  
> I enjoy all kinds of comments and besides, who could it hurt? (Certainly not me) :D  
> Thanks for reading, hopefully see you all next week!!  
> <3 Absey


	3. It's a Dangerous Slope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was mere days before their comeback, Rocky thought he could handle it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major trigger warning for this chapter guys. None of this is happy, so please be warned. I promise the next chapter is better though!   
> Enjoy and stay safe

        Things took a darker turn for the worse mere days before their comeback. Everybody had been stressed out, and Rocky had cut himself back to one full meal every other day making him especially irritable. Sanha had been badgering him all day, concerned that he hadn’t seen Rocky eat in such a long time. Rocky brushed him off saying he ate while he was away from Sanha. Sanha had been grumpily accepting that answer until around dinner time. That was when the weeks of building pressure had finally burst, and there was no good way of fixing it, or preventing it. 

        “Eat this. Prove that you still eat.” Sanha had said, shoving a plate of food towards Rocky. Rocky frowned at the food before shaking his head.

        “I don’t want to. I told you, I’m not hungry cause I already ate.” Rocky gently pushed the food back towards The muscles in Sanha’s forearm tensed before he shoved the plate of food back towards Rocky harshly, a small slice of vegetable sliding off of the plate.

        “I don’t care. Take a bite or two anyways, that won’t kill you, will it? I know I'm not that great of a cook, but it's certainly not poisonous.” Sanha mocked, taking a bite of his own food to demonstrate. Rocky finally snapped and tried to shove the food back towards Sanha, but the plate stuck to the table so he ended up dumping all of the food onto the table, sending the chopsticks flying to the floor. A pounding at the back of his head returned in full force at the clattering of metal, and the only thing he wanted was to be alone, or at least feel like he was in control of himself. Instead the world tilted around him and his skin burned, Sanha's face blurring the longer he stared at him.  


        “Can’t you get it through your baby brain that I’m not hungry?” Rocky shouted, making Sanha flinch violently. “I said it once, I said it again, how many times do I need to tell you that  _ I’m not hungry? _ ”

        “Can’t you see that you’re wasting away?” Sanha stood up and yelled back, the pair ignoring when the other four rushed in to check in on them.

        “Who cares?” Rocky’s voice kept getting louder. “Obviously not you. If you did you would’ve stopped bothering me a long time ago. Can’t you see I don’t want your “ _ help"  _ or whatever it is you’re trying to do?” He snarled and stood up, getting in Sanha’s face. Sanha’s eyes filled with tears almost immediately and he backed down.

        “Oh, ok.” Sanha’s voice was barely a whisper, nearly impossible to hear over Jin Jin shouting at Rocky and Rocky shouting back. “It’s fine. I get it, I’ll try to stop helping.” Eunwoo instinctively moved to Sanha and pulled him into a hug when he started bawling, hands curling into the soft material of Eunwoo's sweater.  


        "Can't you two quiet down?" Bin grumbled as he led Eunwoo and Sanha out of the room. MJ looked at the disappearing trio as he tried desperately to stop the fighting between Jin Jin and Rocky, but obviously to no avail. A few minutes later Sanha heard Rocky scream “piss off” loudly as something shattered before the front door slammed shut, and everything became quiet except for Sanha’s soft sobs and Eunwoo and Bin’s comforting murmurs. 

        Eventually, Sanha stopped crying and Eunwoo handed the sleepy Sanha off to Bin. Bin dragged Sanha into his bed and talked quietly with him until the pair fell asleep. When Eunwoo entered the kitchen Jin Jin was curled up in MJ’s lap while MJ was wiping tears off of his face. A broken glass of water was sparkling on the ground between the table and the front door, small rivulets of water carrying the shards in paths that would definitely be a pain to clean up.   


        “Go to sleep. I’ll wait up for him.” He mumbled, softly rubbing Jin Jin’s back. MJ mouthed thanks before he picked up Jin Jin bridal style and walked back to their room. 

 

        Rocky was confused, angry, sad, and cold. He stormed out of the building with no coat on and twelve bucks in his pocket. His brain was on fire and his normal nail-digging trick wasn’t working. Why had he said that to Sanha? It was obvious how much he worried about Rocky, and Rocky still treated him like dirt. 

        He entered a convenience store to get out of the cold and grabbed a 6-pack of beer by impulse, hoping it would help him feel better when he drank it. The cashier didn't even ask for ID.  _ I must look seriously old. _ He thought bitterly as he left the store and popped the top off the first glass bottle. It burned the back of his throat horribly and tasted like bad fish. With a grimace he drained it, unwilling to feel like he wasted his money. The second drink went down more smoothly, though it still burned to breathe after he finished the drink. The third and fourth bottles made his stomach tingly and his skin warm in a good kind of way, it also made the world so much brighter, so much prettier. His brain finally felt numb as he stumbled his way into some random park, cheerfully confused.

        “I shou’ probly say sorr’ to Sana.” He slurred, a smile coming to his face when he remembered the younger. Half a second later and his heart dropped into his stomach when he remembered how hurt Sanha had looked, how Sanha had started crying because of him. “Ima dick.” He grumbled. As he tried to start heading home he tripped and dropped his fifth bottle of beer, making it shatter. The glimmering pieces of glass caught the moonlight and made the road seem so sparkly and pretty. Rocky could see the few drops of remaining beer and the attractive color of the glass in the street lamp light. “I’ma dick.” He said, eyes filling with tears as he picked up a sharp shard of the bottle. In some sort of trance he dragged the sharpest edge of glass across his wrist. He expected pain, but felt almost none due to his drunken haze. The way the blood ran off of his tan wrist and dripped to the black pavement below was so satisfying, he couldn’t stop at one cut. “Sana woul’ wan’ me to hurt me like I hurt him.” He fumbled as he marked his wrist again and again. “I’s so pret’y. I sh'ld show s'mbody.” Once both of his wrists were slicked with blood and his head was starting to spin he stumbled to his feet, dropped the glass, fell over, stood up one more time, and picked up his last beer. Two wobbly steps and he turned, hurriedly stumbling to the garbage to throw up before he started the long and confusing journey to wander home. 

 

        Eunwoo was lying on the couch reading a book when he heard quiet fumbling at the door. When he heard the door finally get opened and a cheer, he set his book aside and sat up, ready to scold Rocky. Until he actually laid eyes on Rocky. He looked like a mess. His cheeks were rosy and tearstained, his bloodshot eyes had dark bags under them, his hair was wet with sweat and he couldn’t stand straight, constantly swaying back and forth. He saw Eunwoo and grinned brightly.

        “Heyyy! It’s Dongmin. You’re serisl’ pret’y, Y’know that?” He called loudly, voice slurring badly. Eunwoo wrinkled his nose at Rocky and watched Rocky start walking towards him.

        “You’re seriously drunk? How did you even get ahold of alcohol? Jeez, I can smell the vomit from here.” A glimmer caught Eunwoo’s eye, and he watched it fall in slow motion to the floor. Blood. Blood dripping down his hands. Running over dried paths between his fingers, starting at his wrists. “Shit, Minhyuk! Is that blood?" He whispered. "Oh shit.” His mouth felt numb, but he could taste the bile in the back of his throat. A small collection of drops had started landing in the same spot where Rocky had stopped. One, then another, until a fairly steady drip had turned one drop into a sizable puddle of blood on the hardwood floor, right next to where Eunwoo had just cleaned up the broken glass of water. His stomach flipped unhappily when Rocky held up his wrists innocently.

        “Yeah! Isn’t it pre’y?” He dragged a finger over one of the many cuts and watched as a few fresh droplets of blood emerged past the small crusting of dried blood. Eunwoo wanted to cry, puke, and call for Jin Jin or MJ. He knew he could do none of those things. Instead, he had to deal with this on his own, which he could do. Or at least he hoped he could. 

        After a while of staring, he opted to grab Rocky’s upper arm and drag him to the sink. As Rocky rambled on about how much he loved everybody, especially Sanha, because “he’s jus’ so cute” Eunwoo scrubbed the dried blood off his wrists, cleaned the floor again, applied antiseptic ointment, bandaged his wrists, and dug a small, bloody shard of glass out of Rocky’s finger tip. 

        “When you’re sober, you and I are going to have a long talk.” Eunwoo sighed as Rocky emptied his stomach into the garbage for the second time since he’d been home. Rocky rinsed his mouth, and when he was done he leaned heavily into Eunwoo as they stumbled to the old and lumpy couch in front of their ancient, dust-covered box TV. Eunwoo was draping a blanket over him when Rocky made bleary eye-contact.

        “I wish you knew how much I love you.” Rocky’s eyes started filling with tears and he paused for a moment, clearing his throat with an unconvincing cough. “I wish I loved me half as much as I love you.” His voice was choked, and Eunwoo felt his own throat tighten, a hard lump making it very difficult to breath.

        “Me too.” He tried to keep his voice from cracking but failed. 

        Eunwoo sat in the old, suspiciously stained, and overly loved recliner that sat right next to the couch and waited until he heard Rocky’s gentle snoring. As soon as he was sure, he couldn’t hold it in anymore. He cried until he throat was raw, then kept crying. His hand was pressed desperately over his mouth to stifle any sound as his shoulders shook. His hands still smelled faintly of the iron in Rocky’s blood and it only made him cry harder. The idea Rocky was in such a bad place without any of them knowing made him reflect on how lonely he had felt, and still sometimes felt. 

        Eventually he caught his breath and faded off into a dark and restless sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know... I don't really want to leave it at this. But oh well! Please review and leave kudos if you liked it, I like talking to people!  
> Thanks for reading, hopefully see you next week  
> <3 Absey


	4. Can't We Take a Break?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologizing isn't supposed to make you feel this guilty, is it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy and stay safe!

          Rocky woke up to run to the garbage. After he finished puking his guts out he sank to the floor and covered his eyes. His head was throbbing, his wrists burned, his mouth tasted like literal garbage, and his throat stung.

          “Oh good, you’re sober.” Eunwoo’s voice felt like a drill into his brain, and he whimpered, head pounding in rhythm to Eunwoo's words.

          “Can’t you speak any quieter? Please?” Rocky whispered, voice hoarse. The light made his head hurt even more, so he clenched his eyes shut.

          “No! No, I cannot. Not when you disappear for hours, only to come home blackout drunk and covered in blood.” Eunwoo tried to keep his voice quiet enough none of the sleeping boys would hear him, but he was so angry. Even though he was downright furious he still handed Rocky pain medicine with water and watched as the boy quickly took the pills and drained the water thankfully.

          “Wow. I really don’t remember anything. I guess I was completely deadass drunk. I’ve never done that before.” Rocky’s voice held a quality of awe that just ticked Eunwoo off even more. “What did I do to get so covered in blood?” Rocky laughed for a second, “Did I get in a fight? That would be pretty cool. Or I guess it would be cool if I won.”

          “You almost killed yourself, nearly filleted your wrists.” Eunwoo growled, voice pinched. The color drained out of Rocky’s face. “Yeah, not quite so cool, jackass. You also managed to make both Jin Jin and Sanha cry before you left.” Rocky flinched and stared at his bandaged wrists.

          “Guess I had it coming then, huh? That takes a special kind of jerk.” Rocky laughed humorlessly, not meeting Eunwoo’s eyes.

          “Uh-uh. Park Minhyuk. You are  _so_ not pulling that bullshit with me. You either tell me what’s going on, or I go straight to Jin Jin and tell him we’re canceling the comeback. Which is it?” Rocky looked like he wanted to curl in on himself, but Eunwoo didn’t, couldn’t, care. He needed to find a way to help Rocky, even if Rocky didn’t want his help. Rocky fidgeted, hands twitching around his water cup before he responded.

          “There’s no way Jin Jin would listen to you about canceling the comeback, though.” Rocky’s voice was no more than a whisper. He was pouting. Curled up on the floor with a pink blush covering his cheeks he really reminded Eunwoo of a child being scolded and it was adorable. Unfortunately, the image of Rocky covered in his own blood, unable to sit up because of how drunk he was, was going to haunt Eunwoo forever.

          “Do you really want to test me?” Eunwoo growled. Rocky quickly shook his head. Eunwoo nodded. “Good. Take out the trash and I’ll get some coffee for us.” Rocky hurried out with the vomit-filled garbage bag, nose wrinkling at the stench.

          Once Rocky came back inside and they were seated at the table Eunwoo took a sip of his tea and slid a mug to Rocky. Rocky took a sip and grimaced.

          “What the hell is this shit?” Rocky spluttered.

          “Language.” Eunwoo chided, watching Rocky closely as he took another small, curious sip.

          “This is hot chocolate!” Rocky stared at the cup with disdain. “I wanted coffee.” He grumbled, pushing the cup away and flopping his head into his arms on the table.

          “I figured you had enough of adult drinks yesterday when you came home totally plastered.” Eunwoo’s eyes sparkled with mirth. “You know, you are still a child, after all.” Eunwoo finally couldn’t hold it in and laughed at the irritated look on Rocky’s face.

          “Yeah, yeah. Laugh while you can.” Rocky pouted, taking another hesitant sip of the chocolate drink. "Do you know how long it's been since I've had hot chocolate? It's definitely  _not_ on any diet we've been on." This time Eunwoo smiled fondly. His eyes softened, and the moment grew more somber.

          “When did this start?” He asked gently and Rocky took a shaky breath. With the sun slowly rising around them, Rocky talked. Anything that came to mind, he said. All of his worries, horrible thoughts, the voice he heard in his head that sounded like his own but was so cruel, the itching on his skin, everything. Eunwoo listened to all of it with an understanding and sad smile. When his story ended and his voice was hoarse Eunwoo patted Rocky’s hands that were wrapped tightly around his now cold mug.

          “Thank you for trusting me.” Eunwoo said. Rocky shifted in his seat before responding with an uncomfortable “yeah”. Eunwoo laughed loudly and stood up, pulling Rocky standing and into a hug. “You’re so awkward Minnie, I love it. I love you.” Rocky nodded against Eunwoo’s neck and Eunwoo could see the flush and feel the heat of his red ears.

          A seed of warmth bloomed in his chest when he remembered how much Rocky’s comforting presence helped Eunwoo when he was struggling. Even just Rocky staying up until he got home from schedules, or talking nonstop about things he was excited for. Everything he had done special for Eunwoo had made every day a little bit more manageable. He really wanted to be able to help Rocky in the same way. As they pulled apart Eunwoo caught sight of Rocky’s bandaged wrists and gently grabbed them. “But no more of this, okay? There are healthier ways to feel better. Therapy is always an option, and you shouldn’t ever feel embarrassed to ask for help, ok?” Rocky looked away and nodded again. “And you’re gonna apologize to both Jin Jin and Sanha?” Another shy nod. “Good. Now go take a shower, you still smell like cheap beer.” Rocky laughed and started towards the bathroom. When he almost got to the door he stopped and turned around.

          “You’re not gonna… tell anyone, about any of this, right? I'm fine now, I promise.” Rocky fidgeted with his fingers, tugging at the edge of the gauze and bandage while Eunwoo frowned.

          “Right. I won't tell.”

 

          When Rocky got out of the shower he paused for a moment to stare at his wrists. There were so many cuts on his wrists, pink and irritated, all different sizes and lengths. Some were already starting to heal shut a little, while others still were flared open and sore. Thankfully he was tan enough that they sort of blended in. He hoped nobody would notice before he was able to pull on a long sleeve shirt. As he went into his room to change he saw Sanha, who was already awake. They made eye contact and Sanha scowled, pulling himself off his bed and making a show of stretching.

          “I know, I know, I’m leaving.” He huffed, trying to get out of the room quickly. Rocky leaned back and shut the door with his heel, effectively trapping Sanha inside.

          “No. No leaving. At least not till you’ve heard what I need to say, then you can leave if you still want to.” Sanha sat back down cautiously on the edge of his bed, eyes wide and head tilted. Rocky took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “I was a real dick last night.” Rocky started.

          “That’s a bad word.” Sanha declared and Rocky froze.

          “Shit, you’re right." Rocky shook his head, "I was a real jerk last night.” Sanha rose an eyebrow.

          “You really don’t realize how bad your mouth is, do you?” Sanha scoffed and Rocky’s eyebrows furrowed.

          “What are you talking about, I fixed my language!” Sanha snorted at Rocky’s response.

          “You spend too much time with Jin Jin,” Sanha grumbled. “Sorry, go ahead. You were being a real jerk last night!” Sanha supplied helpfully with a smile, making Rocky scowl at him.

          “Look. Okay, you were right. I hadn’t eaten yesterday but I didn’t want to make you take care of me any more than you already do, so I lashed out. You have always been so responsible and so concerned about me, I just want you to know I care about you as much as you care and me, and I’m sorry about what I said last night.” Rocky stared at the ground, cheeks and ears a subtle pink as he rubbed the back of his neck. Sanha squeaked in happiness and pulled Rocky into a hug, already having started talking a mile a minute.

        "I already forgave you, though hearing an apology is always nice. I know you stress too much anyways, and I just try to help as much as I can." He seemed to have forgotten that Rocky only had a towel wrapped around his waist. Or at least he had forgotten until his hands were resting on Rocky’s slightly damp back and his forehead was resting on Rocky’s smooth shoulder. Rocky froze and Sanha pulled away, face completely red. “Oh man, I just remembered!" His voice rose nearly a full octave as he backed away from Rocky. “I have to go... go, do that thing! That thing, away from here. Thanks for the apology, you suck for making me cry, but I forgive you, I’ll see you later and all that jazz.” He rushed out of the room, not once meeting Rocky’s eyes. Rocky laughed and hurried to get dressed, happy Sanha didn’t even notice his wrists.

 

          Apologizing to Jin Jin was both easier and harder. Easier, because he knew he’d be forgiven right away (that’s just the kind of person Jin Jin was), and harder because the things he’d said to Jin Jin had been so much crueler, and he couldn’t see him being able to forgive himself, even if Jin Jin did.

          So, with a dismal attitude, he snuck into Jin Jin and MJ’s room. Both of them were already awake, Jin Jin sitting up in bed while MJ was moving around the room talking quietly. MJ caught Rocky’s eye, grabbed some clothes and instantly left the duo alone, a strange look on his face. Once MJ left, Jin Jin sat motionless waiting for Rocky to speak. Rocky stood awkwardly for a moment, took a steeling breath, looked into Jin Jin’s eyes and lost any and all of the composure he had. There was so much understanding and kindness in his eyes, and Rocky knew he deserved none of it. He could feel his throat closing up.

          “Jin Jin,” He gasped, voice breaking. He could feel tears running down his cheeks but didn’t feel like he was really crying, which was strange. “I’m so sorry.” He sobbed, desperately scrubbing at his face. Before he was done speaking Jin Jin was already in front of him, holding him tightly.

          “Hey,” Jin Jin’s voice was so low and comforting it only made Rocky feel worse. “Hey, shh, you’re okay. I know you’re sorry and I forgive you. I’m also sorry. So sorry.” Jin Jin whispered, hands running over Rocky’s back soothingly. Rocky had a death grip on the back of Jin Jin’s shirt and he could feel the shirt starting to soak through with his tears, but he didn’t care. He felt so safe in Jin Jin’s arms. He could feel the rumble of Jin Jin’s voice against his chest while hearing his words whispered in his ear. Even though Rocky was slightly taller, he comfortably tucked his face against Jin Jin’s neck and cried until he couldn’t anymore. When his face finally started drying and his breath had resolved to steady half-gasps he pulled away from Jin Jin.

          Jin Jin, however, wouldn’t let him get very far away. He grabbed one of Rocky’s hands and held it tightly while using his free hand to wipe Rocky’s face free of tears. “Feel better?” Jin Jin asked softly as he ran his fingers through Rocky’s hair. Rocky watched the way their interlocked fingers shifted slightly when Jin Jin moved to his tip-toes so he could reach the back and sides of Rocky’s head. Everything about Jin Jin felt safe.

          “Mm-hm.” Rocky hummed, exhaustion setting heavy in his veins. Jin Jin caught the way Rocky’s eyelids were drooping and led Rocky to his bed.

          “Here. Take the day off, get some sleep. You already know the choreo so you’ll be fine, and I don’t care if you sleep in my bed.” Rocky tried to protest weakly but Jin Jin stared him down. With a dejected pout he sat on Jin Jin’s bed. Once Rocky had been satisfactorily tucked in by Jin Jin he sighed heavily. The quiet sounds Jin Jin made as he got ready for the day almost lulled him to sleep, until Jin Jin clicked off the lights. “Get some rest Rocky, we’ll see you in no time.”

          Rocky heard some shuffling and conversation in the main room, then the door closed and it was silent. The darkness had settled in his lungs and made them stop functioning. In an attempt to get some oxygen into his lungs he curled up in a ball on his side, but that only made him feel worse. He was suffocating. In a haze he got out of bed and turned the light back on. Just like the switch flipping, he could breathe again. He fell back onto Jin Jin’s bed and breathed in the comforting scent of his shampoo. _What type of idiot is afraid of the dark? You never used to be this weak._ He scowled into Jin Jin’s pillow. _Only a baby is afraid of the dark. Are you a baby?_ There was so much noise in his head. He still had a headache and was just feeling worse and worse as time went on. He just wanted it to stop. He pulled the blanket over his head, but the voice just got louder. In an attempt to quiet it he dug his thumb into one of his wrists, relishing in the pain, the control that it brought him. Everything felt quiet and still after that. He had promised Eunwoo to no re-cut himself, but he figured he might as well utilize the cuts he already had.

          Eventually, the boys returned, sweaty and exhausted. He smiled at them and feigned sleepiness, promising Jin Jin he had slept the entire time they were gone.

          There was so much relief in Jin Jin’s smile that Rocky threw up again in the workout room garbage after the rest of the boys had fallen asleep and he had snuck out.

          And so they made their comeback. He stayed in long-sleeved shirts, smiled as much as he could, spoke as little as he could, and assured everybody he was fine. He found new ways of getting his life in order; digging his nails into his slow-healing and constantly reopening cuts, seeing how little he could eat, or how long as he could go without eating. These things kept him sane. Or at least he thought they kept him sane. Everybody else quickly adjusted to his gaunt frame, his sunken eyes, and slowly forgot his mental breakdown as the stresses of an idol overtook them. A thin and sickly looking Rocky became the norm for all of them, convinced he only looked that way when he was without makeup.

 

          There were at least two good things that came from such a busy tour. Everybody was too busy to worry properly about him, and the crowds cheering always gave him the energy to perform.

          But he could feel his energy waning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha-HA! I didn't leave it hanging like that! I was sorta in the mood for a double update, and had it written, so I figured why not? Lil' bit of fluff, lil' bit of angst, that's the recipe for me.  
> Thanks for reading, please comment and leave kudos if you enjoyed!  
> <3 Absey


	5. It's the Landing That Really Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was their last stage, their very last set.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah. New chapter. It's a really long chapter, also a really sad chapter (if I've done my job right) but this is also probably one of the most triggering chapters I've written. So, as always...  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

          Screaming followed the boys as they bowed and ran off the stage, mopping their faces of sweat. They laughed and talked excitedly about their performances, how good they had done, whether they messed up once or twice, any fans that caught their eye, fairly routine things they did after every concert. Rocky grinned at something funny Sanha said as a wave of familiar darkness settled on his skin. At the same time a numb feeling settled in his stomach and the back of his mind that made him want to be sick. This is normally when he would press into his cuts, but they had all finally healed, leaving small pale whitish-pink streaks on his wrists which were currently invisible, covered in foundation. In a desperate split second he listened to a dark voice in the back of his head, telling him to pocket an eyebrow pencil sharpener that was sitting out on the makeup counter as he and Sanha passed it. A moment later and his fingers hadn't left the hard plastic. He knew he should put it back, but everything felt so out of his control and he needed something familiar, something safe. 

          “Helloo~?” Sanha waved a hand in front of Rocky’s face. “Anybody in there?” He asked in a sing-song voice, staring at Rocky. Rocky pulled his hand out of his pocket and left the sharpener alone, tucked carefully out of sight. When he looked into Sanha’s face, still so full of innocence, he decided he just wanted to be left alone. Instead, he smiled and nodded.

          “Yeah, sorry. Just tired.” He laughed and Sanha joined in quickly, relieved. “I’m gonna head to the bathroom real quick, kay? Don’t let them leave without me.” Sanha saluted and Rocky returned the salute as he walked to the bathroom alone. The world moved around him, but it felt like he was stuck in slow motion, unable to cry out for the help he so desperately wanted.

          The bathroom door swung shut behind him, and he caught a glimpse of himself in the wavy mirror. The harsh white lights washed out Rocky’s skin, enhancing the ugliness of his grimace. He was no taller than before, but he looked stretched somehow. There was almost no muscle left on his body and his clothes hung loosely off of his frame. His limp hair hung around his gaunt face and framed the black circles under his eyes perfectly. Turning away quickly, he stepped into a stall and locked it behind him. Staring at the tiny sharpener now resting in his hands, he shuttered. The small screw in the side of the plastic casing was already very loose, begging to be pulled out. Nothing moved as he easily stripped the razor of its casing and tucked the plastic in his pocket haphazardly. The slim piece of metal rested alone in his palm looking so harmless. He knew better though. He gently picked it up in his right hand and paused for a moment. There was no sound around him other than the air conditioning and his heart pounding in his ears. _Completely alone, just like you deserve._ He sucked in a breath and dragged it across his left wrist swiftly. His skin split and for a second he felt nothing, then he hissed as the stinging pain set it quickly. When he was drunk it had been so easy. He remembered the blood splatters on the ground as he drunkenly laughed, but that was almost it. No pain, no fear. His hands started shaking as he stared at the new cut, and he dropped the razor, regret itching over his skin.

          Two more stressed breaths and a few thick droplets of blood rose to the surface of his skin. They hesitated for a moment until they were joined by more, then rolled off his wrist into the toilet bowl beneath him. He sighed in relief. The pain had shifted from his head to his wrist, and his control was back. There was something he had power over, even if it was just his skin. Little ribbons of red stained the water in the toilet bowl, but it wasn’t enough. He fumbled quickly to pick up the blade again, but was only able to manage a couple more cuts before he ran out of time and energy. The toilet water ended all stained pink and the scent of iron lingered in his nose as he carefully wrapped the blade in layer after layer of toilet paper and tucked it in his pocket by it's now obsolete casing. He rubbed his stinging wrists with some dry toilet paper before tossing it in the tainted water and flushing it. After he washed his shaking hands and checked to make sure his cuts wouldn’t bleed through his button-down shirt he rushed out to meet the boys.

          They all cheered as they pulled away from the concert hall.

          He avoided Eunwoo’s eyes for the entire trip, telling himself he had always pulled his sleeves down so frequently.

 

          Throughout the rest of their comeback he formed a habit; practice, go on stage, practice more, avoid eating without anyone knowing, and what gradually became as often as two or three times a day he would sneak away to add some more cuts to his wrists. They no longer hurt as much, but the sight of his own blood always seemed to calm him down. It got to the point where he wouldn’t even practice or work out alone in short-sleeved shirts for fear of one of the boys coming in and finding out his deepest and most hated secret. He no longer enjoyed dancing, or spending time with the boys, or spending time by himself. He couldn’t remember the last time he was happy.

          The one thing he hadn’t been expecting was for all of his problems to manifest themselves on the very last stage of their comeback.

          It was their last stage, their last set, and they were all exhausted. None of them had gotten more than 2 hours of sleep for the past few weeks yet here they were, jumping, screaming, and dancing in front of hundreds of people, having the times of their lives. Rocky could feel sweat drip in between his shoulder blades but the thunderous cheers drowned everything out, especially the growing fuzzy feeling in his head. He met Jin Jin’s eyes as they were dancing and grinned. Nothing beat the feeling of performing, especially when surrounded by the five boys he loved with all of his heart. Sanha caught his eye and winked over-dramatically which made his fans cheer and scream deafeningly but only made Rocky laugh and return the wink.

          About three songs from the end of their stage Rocky’s now familiar fuzzy, dark sensation started creeping to the front of his mind. It was stronger and different than his previous exhaustion, leading to the fan’s chants slowly drifting away from his ears. His muscles were burning and he wasn't sure if he was doing the right dance anymore. Sanha met his eyes once more, this time full of concern as their second to last song blared to life in the speakers.

          “Are you okay?” Sanha mouthed as Rocky stumbled over his feet. The song felt like it had been going on for hours and black spots had started swimming in front of Sanha’s face, making Rocky shake his head to try and clear them.

          “Fine, just tired.” He mouthed back, trying to swallow past the lump in his throat. He was so tired, he just wanted to rest. _Just do it then, leave. Prove that you really are the weakest._ Rocky shook his head more violently, begging himself to stay strong. The black spots had started merging, blocking most of his vision. _Not that you need to prove you’re the weakest. All of them already know you’re the worst, just look at how they look at you._ The voice that sounded so scarily to his own scoffed as he stumbled, putting his hands on his knees to try and catch a breather. The rest of Astro paused to look back, checking to see if he was okay. Everything was ringing true, they really did look at him as if he was the worst. Finally the last chord rang, MJ’s clear voice made static-y and crackly through the speakers. Rocky wanted to sob in relief. To his disappointment, the world had started spinning and going completely dark as he tried to grab for Bin and Eunwoo’s hands to bow. His overworked body was finally giving in on itself as he passed out, mind going blissfully blank as he fell backward onto the stage.

 

          Each one of them had seen Rocky fall, but Bin couldn’t believe it. One second Rocky was jumping around the stage, cheering and screaming like normal, and the next his eyes had rolled closed as his body thumped hollowly against the floor. He froze. Somewhere in the distance, he heard Sanha’s high pitched scream, but he could only watch in terror as Jin Jin picked up the frail body and carried it back to the waiting stage handlers. Eunwoo gave a rushed goodbye to the shocked crowd, wrapped his warm hands around Bin’s numb fingers and dragged him off the stage. Once they hit backstage the hubbub drew Bin back to the real world and he was able to focus a little better than before. Rocky was laying on the floor, a paramedic by his side. The paramedic yelled some unintelligible words to his partner, then started feeling Rocky’s wrists and neck for a pulse. He peeled back one of Rocky’s sleeves to reveal Rocky’s carefully hidden secret. It looked worse than he ever could've imagined.

          “Holy shit.” He heard the paramedic whisper before rapidly pulling up Rocky’s other sleeve to show a similar situation to the first. Both wrists were cut up to his forearms. Some starting to heal, others crusted with some slight blood around them, and more with fresh blood starting to run to the back of his wrist, It looked like a horror scene so far beyond anything Bin's imagination could come up with. There were too many cuts to count, all overlapping. MJ grabbed Sanha by the arm and dragged him away as Jin Jin started yelling something to someone on a phone. Bin felt as though he was floating, as if it was all some sick joke, or he was having a nightmare of a sort. In a daze, he turned to rub Eunwoo’s back as Eunwoo vomited. Everything Bin had been worrying about was slowly starting to sink into place as he connected the dots. Rocky still wasn’t waking up, and now the paramedic was desperately calling something into his walky-talky. Bin’s ears rang as he fell to the floor beside Rocky.

          “No. No! Rocky, get up.” His fingers stung as they came in contact with Rocky’s face. Unfortunately, his cheek only turned a slightly more pink color. There was no other movement that Bin noticed. “Minhyuk!” Tears were now dripping from his face onto Rocky’s chest, but they weren't from Bin. There was no way that Bin was crying now, because he never cried. Ten thousand pounds had settled themselves onto his chest as he screamed desperately. “Please, please be okay.” He whispered as Jin Jin pulled him off of Rocky’s body. A whole team of paramedics had shown up and they lifted Rocky onto a stretcher.

          Bin knew he had to go with Rocky. He had watched as Rocky had grown up, as he grew into his lanky limbs and awkward, endearing personality. He had been there as Rocky cried tears of frustration at losing a dance competition, when Rocky barfed his guts up while laughing because he had won ten dollars off some kid who didn’t think he could eat an entire cake by himself, when he cheered drenched in sweat from finally getting a move or step that he had been struggling with for days, when they celebrated all night long at finding out they were debuting together. He had been through everything with Rocky. Jin Jin’s arms were digging into Bins muscles as he fought, desperately hitting out against anything he could reach. Rocky was fading from view and Jin Jin wasn’t letting him go. But he had to go with Rocky. He couldn't leave Rocky alone, not right now.

          The world slowly faded into clearer view when Eunwoo’s face filled Bin’s foggy vision. Eunwoo’s eyes were full of tears and he had a forming bruise on his cheek. He grabbed Bin’s face and dragged them closer until they were forehead to forehead.

          “Please, Binnie. We need you to stop. We need to get to the hospital as soon as possible, for Rocky.” Eunwoo’s voice was a dry whisper, but it made Bin stop struggling. Jin Jin reluctantly released Bin’s arms, and Bin fell into Eunwoo’s chest.

          “Just,” He whispered, “tell me he’ll be okay. Please. I don’t care if you have to lie.” The feeling of Eunwoo’s nails digging into Bin’s back through his T-shirt was an unfamiliar feeling, but Bin was sure he was doing the same thing back to Eunwoo. Eunwoo was only able to sob in response and they clung together, barely staying standing. The world moved around them quickly as they sobbed, voices going raw, faces soaked. Words of comfort were shared between the two, but it did nothing to alleviate the stress and the pain they were feeling.

          All to soon a stone-faced MJ came and broke the pair up, impassively whispering about the van arriving. Eunwoo managed to pull away first, wincing when Bin gently brushed the forming bruise on his cheek.

          “It’s fine, we can talk about it later. The hospital is our priority.” Eunwoo assured, wiping Moon Bin scrubbed at his face tiredly, embarrassed at looking like such a mess in front of someone as pretty as Eunwoo. Concentrating on the feeling of Eunwoo’s thumb rubbing gentle circles on the back of his hand, Bin followed MJ to the van. Sanha and Jin Jin were already sitting in the car. There was a row between them and neither of them were acknowledging each other, or the dried tear tracks on both of their faces.

          Bin crawled in the middle row and dragged Eunwoo with him. Eunwoo leaned back and pulled Bin towards his lap until Bin’s back was pressed firmly up against Eunwoo’s chest and their hands were intertwined around Bin’s middle. MJ crawled in next to Jin Jin, breathing a small sigh of relief when Jin Jin leaned against him wholeheartedly, exhausted. Jin Jin slowly migrated until most of him was in MJ’s lap, his head resting against MJ’s collarbone.

          While the two pairs cuddled together, supporting each other, Sanha sat in the back row of the van completely alone. His knees were pulled up to his chest, head sitting on top of his knees. He could feel the tears that had dried on his face, the new tears welling up in his eyes, and the cold drips of his tears as they dropped from his chin onto his goose bump covered arms. He had never felt so useless before, watching Bin break down, then shortly after having a breakdown himself when he caught a glimpse of the state Rocky was in. Maybe if Sanha had been more honest, kissed the excitable boy when he so desperately wanted to, Rocky would've been able to turn to him rather than a razor blade. If Rocky survived this, Sanha would be sure to forever shower him in as much affection as he could. _If._ If he survived. His chest clenched and he sobbed, biting his arm to stop making noise.

          Unfortunately, he hadn't been fast enough. All of the other boys’ hearts broke when they heard Sanha desperate, high pitched, keening cry he tried to cover up. Jin Jin had been first to move, instantly detaching himself from MJ to crawl back and be by Sanha’s side. Jin Jin pulled Sanha into his arms, which made Sanha completely break down.

          “What if," He sobbed, wiping at the tears now streaming down his face, "what if he doesn't survive?” Jin Jin held him while he wept. He rubbed his back, his head, his arms, any part of Sanha that he could reach without moving Sanha in any way. Immediately Eunwoo piped up from in front of them.

          “He will. I promise. And when he's all better he's going to have a lot of explaining to do.” He whispered gently. All of the boys were now facing the back row, Eunwoo and Bin joining in massaging any part of Sanha they could reach.

          “Give it time Sanha, he'll be okay." MJ assured, "and we'll all recover together. It'll make us stronger. I promise." Sanha took a shaky breath in response. 

          "How do you know? You all seem to  _know_  he's going to be okay." He eventually choked out, curling into a small ball with shaking shoulders. Bin gently working at untangling his hair with a soft and sad sigh, looking to Eunwoo for any type of direction. MJ locked eyes with Jin Jim before responding.

          "I speak from experience. You've got to trust us Sanha." Sanha gave a tiny nod and MJ smiled, though it didn't fully reach his eyes.

          "Besides, who knows, you may finally get to live out your fantasy of kissing Rocky in a hospital." Moon Bin added with a giggle.

          "Bin!" Eunwoo scolded, smacking his arm.

          "What? We all know it's true." He whined, leaning away from Eunwoo. "He has a  _massive_ crush on him." Sanha squeaked in protest, and Jin Jin ruffled his hair in amusement. 

          With the mood lightened, the four boys kept their attention focused on the baby of the group, helping keep him distracted as they neared their destination.

          The soft, white glow of the hospital is what alerted them to their arrival. Instead of parking in the normal visitors parking, they were directed to the back of the hospital by the staff parking. A collection of fans and paparazzi had already started mingling in front of the hospital, banners and cameras ready for a glimpse of one of the heartbroken boys, which made them all instructively sink down in their seats, even though they all knew the windows had a very dark tint to them. "How did they even know he was here? We were in the middle of a concert." Moon Bin growled quietly, hand tightening around the edge of the van bench.

          "Probably followed the ambulance he was put in." Jin Jin said quietly, "There are always people hanging around outside of the concerts."

          “He always said that people didn't care if we were healthy…” MJ mumbled, climbing out of the van and eyeing the rapidly growing crowd with distaste. Thankfully nobody noticed them, masks pulled up high over their noses. Once they were all out and being led in the back entrance of the hospital Jin Jin grabbed MJ’s hand. He laced his shaking fingers with MJ's and casually pulled MJ closer until they were walking through the bright parking lot shoulder to shoulder, hands swinging between them.

          The mood in the group became much more somber as soon as they walked through the sliding doors to the hospital. The antiseptic smell, constant noise, commotion, and distinct lack of color really cemented the fact that one of their worst nightmares was coming true. In here they weren't even slightly famous, just another group waiting and hoping that their hearts weren't going to be crushed today. Everything felt much more serious. More permanent. On one side of the room was a family holding a new baby, laughing and talking with the mother who was still in a wheelchair, proudly smiling and showing off her baby girl. Right across from them was a young man choking back tears as he tried to explain to a little girl near him that "Grandpa wasn't going to be coming back" not today, not ever. Life was a balance, and the five boys were currently sitting on the pole, hanging on through hope. 

          Bin and Eunwoo had trapped Sanha between the two, making sure he could always feel the comfort and pressure of their shoulders against his. Any time Sanha got upset he would seek out the closest member he could find for physical contact. It reminded him of when he was a kid and his mother would hold him close any time he got scared or scraped his knees from tripping. Leaving her behind to pursue his love of music had been the hardest thing he had ever done, and the only reason he was still here, still fighting, was because of the other boys.

          “Are you the Park Minhyuk party?” A nurse wearing dark blue scrubs approached them, not even looking up from his clipboard. Jin Jin stepped forward and nodded, asking how he was. The nurse just looked up at him with pity in his eyes. “He hasn’t yet woken up. Major calorie and nutrient deficiency are what caused his blackout, but it was made severely worse by lack of blood, proper rest, and most likely a great deal of stress. He’s currently on an IV drip and we’ve given him a direct nutrient shot to help try and keep him alive.” All of the boys held their breath as the nurse went on his spiel, and heaved a sigh of relief when they heard he was okay for now. Jin Jin was pulled aside to answer some more questions about Rocky, but the rest of them were finally allowed to see him.

          The hospital room was tiny and bare, with one small bed surrounded by machines and a lone chair, a bathroom next to a small couch, and a TV propped up on the wall in front of the hospital bed. In the center of it, all was Rocky, lying on the bed. There were so many tubes connected to him it made Sanha’s heart hurt. The worst of it all, Sanha concluded, was how frail Rocky looked, taking up less than a third of the bed and having no color in his skin at all. What had his eyes filling with tears again though, were his arms. In his hospital gown his thin arms were on full display, palms up. From the very base of his wrists all the way up to his elbow were cuts. Some were healing and had icky black stitches pulling them closed, but most were either fresh or reopened, an irritated red. Sanha could hear Bin crying softly beside him in the door (none of them being brave enough to fully step into the room), but everything felt so surreal. This had to be a bad dream, and he was going to wake up to find Rocky happy and smiling, stuffing his face with his favorite food. Sanha had pinched himself hard enough to bruise multiple times, but he finally gave up. Tears were dripping off of his chin onto the floor, but he made no move to wipe them away.

This was as real as it could be.

They all really had failed Rocky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is literally all over the place. I also have absolutely 0 (zero) medical knowledge, so if anything's wrong, I apologize. I'm also working on a new story (literally pure tooth rotting fluff and awkwardness) but I haven't decided if I want to start posting yet. Who knows. Everything is a mystery to me. Anyways... hope you all enjoyed reading, thanks for sticking around through this mess of notes, leave a review or kudos if you liked it (I'm a needy author) and hopefully I'll see you next week!  
> <3 Absey


	6. Agony: Losing all Control When You Need it Most

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stress and conflict is a fickle thing, and always seems to pop up when least wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're gonna pretend that this was actually uploaded on Friday...  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

          By the time Jin Jin came back to join them, he and MJ were the only ones not crying. MJ was rubbing Bin’s back, trying to get him to breathe a little bit deeper and Jin Jin was leading Eunwoo and Sanha over to the couch so they could pretend to relax. Jin Jin skin had drained of all color and MJ had lost all traces of a smile. Both were grimly trying to stay strong as the oldest and the leader of the group, but none of them missed the way both of their eyes glistened when they glanced back towards Rocky. 

          “How? How did we let this happen?” Sanha asked pitifully, curled up into a ball at the edge of the rock-hard couch. At first, all he got in response was shaky breathing from the other four boys and steady beeping from one of the many machines hooked up to Rocky. Beep after beep they sat miserably, until Eunwoo finally responded.

          “He told me, looked straight at me and promised he wouldn’t make a habit of it. He’s such an idiot.” He muttered to himself, hands tightening on his knees. Now all of the boys were sitting up staring at Eunwoo.

          “What do you mean he promised? Why would he need to promise?” Jin Jin asked, his voice calm but muscles fully tensed. Eunwoo looked at Jin Jin for a second before quickly looking away. 

          “It’s nothing, I promised I wouldn’t tell…” He mumbled fingers rubbing at his knees and tapping against each other in rhythm to his foot bouncing against the speckled white floor. 

          “Don’t you think it’s a little past the time you should have told us?” MJ cut in, teeth grinding as he spoke softly. A guilty look crossed Eunwoo’s face.

          “I know, I know. I was just so scared, I didn’t know what to do about it. You remember when Rocky stormed out a few weeks ago?” They all nodded, “Well, when he came home he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand up on his own.” Moon Bin's breath hissed past his clenched teeth and the rest of the boys made small noises of shock. While Rocky had the “bad-boy” title he was nearly as sweet and innocent as Sanha, if not even more. To Sanha’s complete knowledge the boy didn’t even know how to break a rule, let alone illegally buy liquor. Eunwoo shuttered, “That wasn’t even the worst part. I hadn’t realized it at first, but he had also cut up both his wrists. His wrists were literally dripping blood onto the floor. It was horrifying." Eunwoo shook his head slightly, Adams apple bobbing when he swallowed tensely, "Later he told me that one of his beer bottles had broken and on impulse he had cut himself. I cleaned and bandaged him then put him to sleep because he could barely form a sentence with how drunk he was. Anyways, the next morning we talked and he didn’t even remember cutting himself, and that it was something he really regretted. When I asked him why he had bought the beer in the first place he said he wanted to forget what he had said to Sanha and Jin Jin. I figured it was a safe one time situation where he made a stupid decision and made him promise to me that he would never try to cut himself again. Which he readily agreed to.” He bit off the last sentence, punching his hands into his thighs.

          “And what made you think you were the one to decide that?” Jin Jin said quietly. Eunwoo’s eyes flashed when he looked at Jin Jin.

          “I'm sorry what I did wasn't good enough." He growled, closing his eyes.

          "You should have come and told me!" Jin Jin's voice had reached a desperate note, and the other boys watched nervously as Eunwoo's jaw flexed.

          "I already had that image embedded in my memory permanently and I figured your weak heart wouldn't be able to take it.” He yelled back. Jin Jin stood up and grabbed Eunwoo by the collar of his shirt, dragging their faces closer together.

          “Listen closely.” Jin Jin whispered harshly, “How I am on camera is different than how I am in real life. I am still your leader and you come to me with important information. Do you understand?” The boys that were right next to them couldn't hear what Jin Jin was saying, only the harsh bite to his words. Eunwoo, on the other hand, stood to his full height, towering over Jin Jin with the back of his neck flushed from anger. Jin Jin folded his arms and stared up at Eunwoo. 

          “How is it that you're different? Anytime practically anything happens you break down and run into MJ’s arms. If anything MJ should be the leader!” That got a rise from all of them. Sanha curled away from the fighting pair, his eyes not leaving Rocky's hospital bed as a few more stray tears dripped off his chin. Moon Bin stood up towards Eunwoo and grabbed his arm, trying to pull him away from Jin Jin. MJ stood up and moved closer to Eunwoo, putting himself between Jin Jin and Eunwoo. While he was at least a head shorter the look in his eyes got Eunwoo to back down slightly. MJ started opening his mouth when Jin Jin cut in. He grabbed MJ’s arm and pulled him backward, so that they were side by side. 

          “Out. Go take a walk and don't come back until you have relaxed.” His voice was deadly calm and Eunwoo’s anger flared again. His jaw clenched and he ground his teeth, only keeping his mouth shut because of Bin’s hand wrapped tightly around his wrist. Jin Jin and MJ remained standing until Bin dragged Eunwoo out of the room with an apologetic look on his face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, I've kinda been flipping back and forth between the idea of writing a sister story about Jin Jin, but I still haven't decided. Ignoring that-- What's a good drama story without any drama? Sorry this is so short, but don't worry, the next chapter MORE than makes up for it. (I'll give you a hint: lots of awkward Socky fluff). Anyways, hope you all enjoyed it and thanks for reading!  
> Leave a kudos or comment if you liked it (pleeaaassee) and I'll see you next week!  
> <3 Absey


	7. Apologize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Binu (Binwoo??) and Socky, what more could a person want in life? (Myungjin happens later)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pfff, what's an uploading schedule? Sorry guys! But, in my defense I've been sick ALL week and I've been a couch potato. Anyways,  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

          By the time Bin had managed to get Eunwoo out of the hospital and into the small courtyard Eunwoo was fuming. 

          “Who is he to speak to me like that? At the time I thought I was making the right choice! He is always crying, yet has the audacity to try and tell me he doesn't cry, then try and give me commands! I get that he’s the leader, but seriously, he shouldn’t pull rank on me. That’s just petty.” Bin walked silently by him as they wandered in circles around the small plot of dead grass under the grey and cloudy sky. Eunwoo’s breath puffed up in white clouds as he ranted, ears and fingers going numb, minutes slowly ticking by. Finally, Bin grabbed Eunwoo’s arms and pulled him to a stop. 

          “Look. I get that it sucks, but it's absolutely freezing out here and my best friend is sitting in a hospital bed because he just tried to kill himself, and nobody knows if he's gonna wake up, so is there any way you could put your monstrous ego behind you and apologize to Jin Jin as a friend, not a leader?” Bin was irritated, and Eunwoo knew he messed up. He looked away, cheeks and ears pink as he flipped from angry to embarrassed and back again. After a couple seconds Bin’s hand slid from Eunwoo’s upper arm to his hand and he laced their fingers together. “I get that you’re stressed and I get that you’re mad but like you told me earlier, Rocky should be our priority.” Bin’s paused for a moment to stare at the dismal sky and swallow harshly, eyes glistening. Mentally Eunwoo was kicking himself, but he pulled Bin into a tight hug. 

          “You’re right.” Eunwoo laughed bitterly, “Of course you’re right, you’re  _ always _ right.” For a moment they stood there, Bin’s cold face tucked against Eunwoo’s warm neck with his arms limply wrapped around Eunwoo’s waist as the bitter wind brushed against their exposed skin. Eunwoo rubbed Bin’s back soothingly until he couldn’t control the violent shiver that crawled up his spine. “Now that we’ve decided you’re right, can we go back in? I’m freezing.” Bin laughed and pulled Eunwoo tight to him to press a small kiss to Eunwoo’s neck before standing up and stretching.

“Definitely. Let’s go apologize to Jin Jin.” He linked their fingers with a wide grin before dragging Eunwoo all the way to Rocky's room. When they entered the room with fingers laced, Jin Jin looked up from his seat by Rocky and arched an eyebrow at them. Eunwoo avoided his eyes and kept a tight grip on Bin’s fingers. Bin kept his eyes on Eunwoo and nudged him forward. 

          “Look,” Eunwoo shifted on his feet uncomfortably. Jin Jin stayed sitting and silent, waiting for him to talk. “I'm sorry. I totally said things that were out of line, but really I'm just incredibly stressed, concerned, and confused. I’ve never really had to deal with something like this, especially not with someone so much younger than me.” He glanced towards Rocky's bed. “I know you are a great leader, I should’ve come to you, and I know that you aren't always crying.” He ended with a small smile. Jin Jin nodded and grinned back at him, standing to face the pair.

          “I know, we all are. And I shouldn't have said what I said either, so we're even. But right now, our number one priority should be Rocky.” He spoke quietly, glancing at Sanha who was still curled tightly into a ball pretending to sleep. After he finished, he pulled Eunwoo away from Bin and into his arms. Because Eunwoo was so much taller he to bend over significantly, but it was worth it. “Thank you,” Jin Jin whispered into his ear, and Eunwoo could hear his stress and anxiety layered beneath his confident and calm voice. They pulled away and Bin reclaimed Eunwoo’s hand without a second glance. 

          “So what happened to MJ? He seems to have disappeared.” Bin asked, looking around the tiny hospital room. Jin Jin sighed and sat down on the creaky plastic chair by Rocky’s bed. 

          “We, sort of, fought after you guys left. I'm sure he'll come back later though. Once Rocky wakes up.” Jin Jin sighed, rubbing Rocky's upper arm. Carefully avoiding Rocky's lower arm. 

          After a few moments of silence, Eunwoo pulled Bin towards the small couch and they sat down next to Sanha, whose fake sleeping eventually turned into real sleeping. They ended up with Jin Jin in the chair next to Rocky and Eunwoo, Bin, and Sanha curled together on the tiny couch. None of them spoke, eyes locked on Rocky's prone form. Bin eventually leaned into Eunwoo’s arm and fell asleep, exhausted from stress. At one point MJ showed up and motioned Jin Jin outside. They disappeared for a bit, then returned relaxed and smiling. Jin Jin settled back in his chair, and MJ took his rightful place on his lap. Jin Jin wrapped his arms around MJ’s middle and MJ twisted so his feet were hanging off one armrest and his back was resting against the other. He tucked his head into Jin Jin's neck and together the two of them watched the heart rate monitor as it slowly beeped away, the only sign Rocky was still alive. 

          Long after Eunwoo and MJ had fallen asleep, and just as Jin Jin started dozing off, Rocky shifted slightly. Almost imperceptibly he opened his eyes and glanced around, making eye contact with an exuberant Jin Jin. 

          Everything ached, deep in his bones. A steady droning buzz paired with an annoying beeping had been what had woken him up, but his head felt like it was filled with soup and nothing was processing correctly. Jin Jin hopped up, dropping MJ to the floor and simultaneously shocking him awake. With a loud whine he smacked Jin Jin’s leg, until he noticed Rocky’s eyes peeking open. MJ hopped to his feet and both of them crowded towards Rocky.

          “Where?” He croaked, tongue dry. MJ looked away from him, and Jin Jin shifted uncomfortably. 

          “The hospital at-.” Jin Jin had started saying other words but Rocky was no longer listening. The stench of the sterilization, the lack of color, he finished processing everything and it made horrible sense. He ripped the IV drip out of his arm with a whimper and tried to stand up, wobbling unstably. As soon as he started removing other clips a loud angry beeping noise sounded and he freaked out, scrambling to leave the room. Suddenly, right in front of him was Eunwoo. He wrapped his arms around Rocky and easily lifted him, ignoring his strugglings. 

          “You need to get back in bed.” Eunwoo chanted on repeat in a soothing voice, nodding to the nurses who had come running. Rocky didn't say anything but he quietly struggled, which was seemingly pointless as Eunwoo lifted him up and dropped him on the bed. A small nurse waved to get Rocky's attention, though his pupils were blown and shifting like crazy, unable to focus on anything. 

          “Mr. Park, we need you to calm down, if you don't we'll have to sedate you.” Eunwoo was holding Rocky down, but at the word “sedate" Rocky spasmed and broke free. Thankfully Moon Bin and Jin Jin were standing right behind Eunwoo and grabbed him before he could dart out of the room. As the nurse readied the needle with the sedation in it, Jin Jin, Moon Bin, and Eunwoo held Rocky tightly splayed out on the small hospital bed. Just as she was starting to insert the needle into Rocky who was now harshly whispering promises that he “would be fine”, that he “would stop struggling”, and that he “was fine it really wasn’t a big deal”, that “he would do anything they wanted”, Sanha stood up, grabbing everyone’s attention. He looked angry, fists and jaw clenched, fury boiling in his chest as he stared at Rocky.

          “Everybody, stop. Let go of Rocky, give me five minutes with him and I promise that he won’t run.” Sanha’s voice was uncharacteristically serious, and the trio reluctantly backed away from Rocky, who lay in a confused stupor on the bed. The nurse looked to Jin Jin for confirmation, who shrugged then nodded, leading everybody out of the room. 

          The door clicked shut and the two boys were left in an eerie silence. Rocky slid into a sitting up position on the bed, arms braced by his sides, ready to dart at a moment’s notice. Sanha straddled the edge of the bed as he stared at Rocky. He knew there was one way to get through to Rocky, and that involved simply calming him down so he would listen as Sanha quietly reassured him and comforted him. Of course, Sanha being young and ruled mostly by emotions decided against this course of action, choosing for a more, abrupt, shocking method. He tried in vain to take some deep breaths before speaking, but when he glanced at Rocky who was staring at him with such innocent and wide eyes he snapped. 

          “What exactly were you thinking? Are you an idiot? I almost had a heart attack on stage because of you!” He screeched which bumped Rocky into motion. He stood up gracelessly, trying the pull the hospital gown tighter around himself and get out of the room. Before he had even made it two steps Sanha lunged at him. He grabbed his arms and dragged him back onto the bed. When Rocky started fighting Sanha simply sat on his torso, preventing him from being able to shift. 

          “You think I’m the one being stupid? Look at the rest of you, worried about nothing. I said it’s no big deal, so it’s no big deal! Why can’t we just go home?” Rocky finally shouted, trying to pull his wrists out of Sanha’s grasp while wriggling underneath him uselessly. Sanha shrieked even louder in anger and sat more fully on Rocky, making the air rush out his lungs. 

          “You act like this is no big deal,” Sanha paused for a moment, slightly coming to his senses, “but you don’t understand. You almost died.” Sanha’s voice thickened and his eyes blurred with tears. “You wouldn’t wake up! Bin was hitting you, yelling at you, heck! Bin was crying. Your wrists looked so bad, and they said you’d done it to yourself. Am I really that bad of a friend? Can you really not trust me?” Sanha asked in a small voice, staring at Rocky’s now inflamed wrists. His tears had started dripping onto Rocky’s chest when Rocky finally broke. Sanha crying had always been his weak spot. No longer pinning Rocky’s wrists, Sanha let himself be pulled into Rocky’s embrace. He laid down on Rocky’s body, face resting against Rocky’s neck. Rocky drew small patterns over the youngest's back as Sanha sobbed, clinging to Rocky’s thin and scratchy hospital gown for dear life. “Please, just deal with the hospital till you’re better. For me?” Sanha whispered, lips tickling against Rocky’s exposed skin. Rocky shivered, then sighed. 

          “Alright. But as soon as the doctors say I’m healthy enough we’re leaving. Okay?” Sanha nodded frantically and Rocky was glad that he was no longer hooked up to the heart rate monitor because the feeling of Sanha’s lips brushing against his neck was tingly and confusing. They lay tangled together for a few more moments, before Sanha took a deep breath and sat up, still on top of Rocky.

          “Promise you’ll do everything they tell you to?” Sanha had twisted his fingers into Rocky’s hospital gown, refusing to meet his eyes. “I want you to come home quickly.” He mumbled, cheeks pink. Rocky held his hand out to him, pinky extended.

          “I swear, on the fate of ASTRO that I will come home as soon as possible. I don’t want to be here for very long either.” He whispered the second half of his sentence, smiling softly when Sanha linked their pinkies. “But,” he cleared his throat, looking away from Sanha, “you should probably go get the rest of the group. I think they’ve, uh, been watching us.” Rocky said, pointing to the little glass window on the door. When Sanha turned and looked through it he was met with four pairs of familiar eyes watching them intently. His face flushed dark red and he jumped off of Rocky while squealing. Rocky laughed quietly, motioning the boys in. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually hate trying to write Binu. I dunno why, but I never feel like I can get their dynamic right. Whatever! I know I said this episode was fluffy, but looking back on it, it's not really that fluffy. But, it's wayyy less sad than the next chapter. I have issues with some (all) of these chapters, but I don't know how to fix it so my solution is to just upload it and hope for the best. Anyways, you all are the best and I adore each and every one of you, even if I don't know any of you. So, if you have a second you should do the right thing and leave a nice comment for your local antisocial mess of a writer (who appreciates each and every comment, even though it takes her forever to respond to them). ;D ;D   
> Goodness that was a mess. Thanks for reading, hope to see all of you next week!  
> <3 Absey


	8. Don't Apologize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rocky and the rest of the boys start to deal with the aftermath, without the support of their manager.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruuh, my bad. I was on vacation until literally Friday at midnight (which was awesome, even though I was still sick) and told myself I would update when I got home. Newsflash, I didn't. And of course me being the idiot I am never once considered to set it up to update without me but we're gonna move past that little detail. Besides that this chapter is... ??? I don't even know. I had to pick a new name for their manager because he is a despicable human being and I really liked their old manager.  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        All the boys quickly came in, followed by a suspicious nurse still holding the sedation needle in her hand. Sanha curled onto the couch and watched as the four boys interrogated Rocky while the nurse got him re-hooked up. MJ asked if Rocky was feeling okay, Eunwoo asked if Rocky remembered passing out, Jin Jin asked if his wrists were hurting, and Bin clung to Eunwoo’s arm while staring at Rocky silently. They were all avoiding the question they really wanted to know the answer to, but none of them seemed to mind. Rocky answered each question quietly, flinching when the nurse reinserted the IV drip.

        “The doctor will be in soon to talk to all of you soon, she’s just currently speaking to your boss right now.” She smiled at Rocky and patted his arm kindly. “You’re doing great honey. I’m sure you’ll be out of here in no time.” With that, she turned and left. The boys slowly settled down, going back to their original seating positions, all of their attention still locked on Rocky.

        “Do you need anything? Your pillow fluffed? Some music turned on? The TV turned on? Maybe some food?” Jin Jin looked so desperate when he asked the last question, Rocky couldn’t bear to tell him his stomach flipped unhappily even just at the thought of food.

        “It’s alright, I think I’m good now. I’m going to try and get some sleep, but if you guys want to watch TV that’d be fine.” Jin Jin nodded at Rocky’s words, but nobody moved towards the small TV hanging on the wall. An awkward silence hung in the air until Rocky rolled over, facing away from them and pretending to sleep. Bin had started dozing off on Eunwoo’s shoulder, Eunwoo drawing small patterns on Bin’s legs and arms with his finger. It felt like they were all back as trainees, meeting for the first time. Awkward and heavy, everybody waiting for somebody else to make the first more. Unfortunately, they all knew this heaviness was so much worse, and would take more than a couple trust-building exercises to get over.

        Finally, the doctor, a stern looking woman with greying hair, strode into the room with a clipboard. Their manager followed behind a disappointed look on his face. Rocky flipped back flat onto his back to watch them, instinctively pulling his wrists to his chest. He could feel their manager- Manager Jitae, who didn’t even know them very well yet, glaring at him and his heart ached. The doctor hummed, a low throaty note while flipping through the clipboard to catch everyone’s attention.

        “Yes, alright. Park Minhyuk?” She glanced over the clipboard at him, frowning slightly when he gave a nervous nod, looking to Jin Jin for confirmation. “You gave us quite a scare there young man. So, we have a pretty major case of malnutrition, which led to slight anemia and high blood pressure. This raise in blood pressure in such an active boy is what led to you passing out.” She explained as he stared at the sheets, refusing to make eye contact. “The most likely explanation we can determine is that starvation led to the malnutrition, which led to the self-harm. Of course, you will be able to better determine the root of the problem through weekly psychiatrist meetings.” She said it so casually, but Rocky’s heart dropped. His stomach flipped and he desperately gestured to the garbage can, bile rising in his throat. Thankfully Jin Jin understood and got the can to him right before he threw up. The doctor simply rose an eyebrow at him and made a note on the side of her paper.

        “No!” He cried, wiping his mouth, “No, I mean,” he took a deep breath, focusing on Jin Jin rubbing his back soothingly, “I think I’m alright. I already know the root of my problem. You said it was starvation, so if I start eating, I’ll be fixed, right?” Rocky was rambling, eyes darting around nervously. He could feel the panic settling under his skin again, and nervously started pressing at his wrists as the doctor shook her head.

        “Sorry, but if you want the okay to go back to the idol lifestyle you’re going to need the okay from a professional psychiatrist.” She nodded towards his wrists, where his nails were still pressed into the cuts. “I’m also taking a guess and saying you’ve probably developed an anxiety disorder on top of major depressive disorder,” her eyes softened considerably when he met her eyes, “don’t worry. Therapy is a _good_ thing, it's just like taking pills when you get sick. You’ll start feeling more like yourself through hard work.” Rocky’s face burned out of embarrassment and he nodded. She nodded, satisfied, and handed one of her stack of papers to Manager Jitae. “Alright, I’m going to pass this over to your manager, and he’ll explain to all of you how you can help.” She glanced at her pager which had just gone off and hurried out of the room.

        Jin Jin discretely pulled Rocky’s hands into his, preventing Rocky from digging into his wrists, and fiddled with his fingers happily. Rocky made eye contact with him and smiled weakly, not willing to pull his hands away from Jin Jin. They were interrupted by Jitae who coughed harshly, gathering everyone’s attention again.

        “Right, so now that we’re in this mess, let’s see how best to get rid of it.” He droned, looking through the papers the doctor had given him with a bored look on his face. “If we have the psychiatrist we've paid off sign your paperwork and you release a statement about how much better you're feeling that should pretty much make this go away.” He paused for a moment, a dangerous gleam in his eyes. “Who knows, suicidal idol fighting for fans may even bring more attention to Astro. This could be a good thing!” From behind Jin Jin, Rocky could see Moon Bin’s jaw clench angrily. At the same times Bin’s jaw tightened, Jin Jin’s hands froze around Rocky’s hands. Surprisingly, it was MJ who acted first. He stood up abruptly, eyes flashing.

        “Yeah, ok,” he scoffed, rolling his eyes, “That’s not what is going to happen. We are going to help our band mate recover, because we _care_ about him.” MJ walked into their manager’s space threateningly, voice low. “And you are going to let this happen if you want _any_ more work out of us.” He growled.

        “No, no. It’s alright,” Rocky shook his head desperately, “I’m alright, I really am. We can just pretend this never happened and I’ll get better. I’ll _be_ better.” Rocky defended. Moon Bin was the next to stand up, this time talking towards Rocky instead of the manager.

        “That’s not true. We’ve been down that road before,” Moon Bin glanced towards Eunwoo, “and I'm not letting that happen again. We wait till he feels better before we start working on our new comeback.” Eunwoo nodded supportively from behind Moon Bin. Sanha jumped to his feet.

        “Yeah!” He agreed, folding his arms and leaning towards Moon Bin. With Moon Bin and Sanha towering over both MJ and Jitae, he hesitated. After a tense minute as he debated he frowned and tossed the packet to Jin Jin who had also risen to his feet. Jin Jin frowned right back at the manager before bowing his head slightly.

        “Thank you sir, I'll take care of it then report back when we are ready to have a comeback.” Jin Jin was already looking through the packet, gleaning information when Jitae huffed and stormed out.

        “You'd better take care of this fast if you ever want promotions again.” He growled before sliding the door shut, leaving the boys alone once more. MJ scoffed and stuck his tongue out at the closed door before going to Jin Jin's side, resting his chin on Jin Jin's shoulder as he read the packet.

        “So what's the packet say? Is it helpful?” Sanha piped up, moving to sit next to Rocky on the hospital bed. Jin Jin laughed and waved it in front of his face.

        “This thing is amazing! It has meal plans, phone numbers, the amount of time he can exercise, calming sentences, frequently asked questions, everything we need to know,” Jin Jin paused, voice becoming more hushed, “everything _you_ need to know to feel better.” Rocky grimaced but smiled, letting Sanha squish his way into his tiny space on the hospital bed.

 

        Once everyone was settled back down, Rocky and Sanha side by side practically laying on top of each other in the hospital bed, Moon Bin's head resting in Eunwoo’s lap as they sat on the couch, Jin Jin and MJ curled into each other on one of the uncomfortable chairs, Jin Jin carefully read through all of the information on the packet. Together they plotted and planned, when each boy would spend time with Rocky, who would take turns cooking the protein heavy meals, what times they would exercise, it made Rocky sick. Who was he to make these boys completely change their schedule? They were supposed to be spending more time preparing, not cutting back to a maximum of one hour working out and one hour practicing. Rocky knew he couldn't voice his worries though, all he'd be met with was pity and concern and he didn't want it. Instead he rolled onto his side and snuggled into Sanha's. The comforting weight of Sanha's arm around his back and his steady heartbeat thrumming in his ears quickly put Rocky to sleep, hand curling in Sanha's t-shirt.

        Sanha, on the other hand was about to die of happiness. Rocky was rarely the one to first to initiate cuddling off stage (though he absolutely _never_ turned it down) and here he was, one hundred percent asleep on Sanha's chest. If Sanha thought Rocky was cute awake he was ten times as cute asleep, face completely relaxed, save for the momentary twitches when his nose would crinkle and his hand would tighten on Sanha's shirt.

        Unbeknownst to Sanha, the rest of the boys had stopped talking to fondly watch as he stared at Rocky's sleeping form. At least, they hadn't been talking until Moon Bin piped in.

        “When are you gonna kiss him, huh? I wanna see my ship sail!” He whined, laughing when Sanha looked up with wide eyes.

        “Be nice! He'll make a move when he's good and ready.” Eunwoo chided, making Moon Bin chuckle harder when he smacked his chest. Now Sanha's cheeks, ears and the hollow of his neck were bright pink due to embarrassment, though he had yet to make a sound.

        “Yeah, maybe in the next hundred or so years,” Jin Jin muttered, making MJ snort.

        “No just wait, Rocky will be the one who makes a move first!” MJ called dissolving the rest of them into a fit of high-pitched cackling at Sanha's expense. Sanha's mouth had tightened into a pout, red never fading from his face. He stuck out his tongue slightly, looking away from the rest of the group.

        “Shut up,” he mumbled, arm tightening around Rocky's side. They all cooed at Sanha and the ruckus slowly died down. Just as Sanha was starting to doze off, he was interrupted by Jin Jin.

        “But really, you're going to really need to help us. He has to stay in the hospital for the next 72 hours to determine if he is or isn't a risk, and I have a feeling you're the only one he will listen too.” Sanha's chest puffed in pride at first, only for his heart to drop when he processed what Jin Jin was actually saying.

        “He has to stay in the hospital for three days?” Sanha tried to keep his voice level but the pitch had steadily risen into a nervous squeak. “There's no way he'll stay unless he's chained down! It was hard enough to get him to calm down for just today.” He whined. Jin Jin shrugged, at a loss for an answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Danggg them upper notes though. I'm a mess. That's cool though! I hope you all enjoyed the chapter! (I tried to make it a little longer since I'm scum and refuse to update). I also have absolutely zero medical knowledge so I'm making it up as I go, just like with everything else. Lemme know what y'all think; if you have any ideas, something you want me to add, how your day has been, how you're doing etc. Besides that, I'm gonna wrap up my ranting, thanks for sticking around for another week and hopefully I'll see you next week!  
> <3 Absey


	9. True Colors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Promises and hearts get broken. The beginning of something horrible emerges.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drama!! If I said earlier that it was getting happier, I'm sorry, I was a horrible liar. I honestly think this is the saddest chapter that I have released yet, but that's just my opinion. I also really want to say that if anybody needs someone to talk or even just confide in someone I'm always here, and I'm always willing to just listen. Besides that,  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        The pairs broke off from the main conversation, quietly muttering back and forth until the door slid open and Manager Jitae entered again. He had definitely calmed down and looked at the group with mild interest, which was better compared to the thinly veiled disgust from earlier.

        “Come on boys, visiting hours are over. We can come back after your photo shoot tomorrow.” His tone left no room for argument and they all tiredly stood up. Sanha had tried to carefully detach himself from Rocky, but Rocky had still woken up with a small whine on his lips. He blinked blearily, catching sight of their manager spinning the van keys on his fingers.

        “Do we finally get to leave?” Rocky sat upright, a grin toying on his lips. “I'm so ready to go, I wanna be back in my bed,” he rambled quietly as he started pulling off the different tubes and patches that were still sticking to him. Just like earlier, when he pulled off the heart rate monitor it flat lined and all sorts of alarms started going off. Rocky cocked his head in confusion when a team of nurses stormed the room. A familiar nurse led the group and turned on Jitae with an unhappy purse to her lips.

        “What are you doing? I told you to calmly collect the rest of the boys, not stress out our patient.” She growled. Rocky sat back down on the bed, completely confused. None of the boys would meet his eyes.

        “So sorry! I don't know how that happened. I guess we'll be leaving you.” Jitae said sorry, but the way his eyes shined and he smiled made him seem all too happy to stress Rocky out. Rocky turned to Moon Bin, hands white from gripping the blankets underneath him.

        “You guys are leaving? Without me?” Rocky's voice was pinched in feigned nonchalance but he kept steady eye contact with Moon Bin. Moon Bin fidgeted and tried to look away, but couldn't. Rocky's eyes were glimmering with unshed tears but his jaw was clenched, muscles shifting as he tried not to cry. “Why am I staying? I thought we had a plan? I want to go home,” His voice was shaking now, but apart from his damp eyes everything on his face read as anger.

        “We do! And we'll be back as soon as visiting hours start,” Sanha interrupted, drawing Rocky's attention away from Moon Bin. In an effort to not say anything Bin grabbed for Eunwoo's hand. His legs were shaking but his eyes were dry, so Moon Bin counted that as a win, no matter how much it made his stomach hurt.

        “We can't just leave him here. I know him, he'll fall apart,” Moon Bin whispered hoarsely into Eunwoo's ear. Eunwoo nodded, but both of them knew they wouldn't be able to do anything about it.

        “Well. I suppose we'll be leaving! Good night Rocky,” Jitae clapped, smiling cheerfully. Rocky's whole body flinched and he instinctively moved towards Sanha. He reached out and nearly cried in relief when Sanha grabbed his hand. "Jin Jin, take the boys out, I want to speak to Rocky for a moment."

        “You'll be okay, right Rocky? We'll come back tomorrow and I'll bring you my favorite comic books, we'll watch TV all day and MJ and Eunwoo will crack bad jokes while Binnie and Jin Jin sleep.” Sanha was now holding both of Rocky's hands, mumbling quietly, desperately, as he gently massaged Rocky's fingers.

        “No,” Rocky whispered, voice low. “I don't want to. Why can't I go with you?” His tone was slowly becoming more desperate, and Sanha knew he had to leave now unless he wanted to start crying.

        “I promise, we'll come back.” Sanha whispered, gently pulling his hands away from Rocky. He was expecting a scene of some sort, but it stung so much more when Rocky pulled his hands back quickly, a blank look on his face.

        “You also promised you wouldn't leave me,” Rocky whispered, nearly silent. He crawled back to the head of the bed and held out his arms for the nurses, who started reattaching the needles and tubes to him. Sanha's heart swooped low as he was pulled out of the hospital room. Rocky was almost gone from view when Sanha saw him wince as the IV drip was reinserted in his arm for the third time that day. Jin Jin wrestled Sanha away, knuckles white from gripping the keys to the van.

 

        Once Jitae and Rocky were alone and the steady beeping of the heart machine was back, Jitae grabbed the front of Rocky's nightgown harshly. He pulled Rocky into a sitting position and grabbed his jaw until it turned red under his fingers, twisting Rocky's head against his will while Rocky made a noise of surprise.

        “It's a shame you failed. You and I both know Astro would be better off without you.” Jitae’s lips harshly brushed the side of Rocky's ear as he whispered, the smell of cigarette smoke wafting across Rocky's face in putrid puffs. Rocky's blood turned to ice and he struggled to pull away. Panic gripped his chest when Jitae laughed as he tugged. They both knew he didn't have enough muscle any more to pull away, lost from late nights of throwing up and dodging meals. The heart rate monitor started beeping louder and faster, warning the pair that Rocky's heart rate was jumping too high. Finally, Jitae let go of his face and shoved him back on the bed with a harsh bark of laughter. He immediately pulled away and curled himself into a ball at the head of the bed, as far away as he could get. “Such a pretty boy.” He cooed, rubbing one finger down Rocky's exposed thigh with a scarring gleam in his eyes. Rocky whimpered softly as Jitae turned and walked out, leaving him alone in the dark.

        Even though the room wasn't completely dark, Rocky felt an uncomfortable bubble settle in his throat. He tried to suck in a breath but couldn't get his lungs to cooperate. He could hear the heart rate monitor getting faster and faster but it was simultaneously slowly fading away, sounding farther away. The world spun as he lay on his side, tears streaming down his face while he waited for something to change. Vaguely he felt someone pulling at his arm but the world was starting to blur and darken around the edges and he thought he might finally get some rest. To his dismay, a few seconds later there was the pinch of a needle entering his arm and the nurse he had come to recognize giving him a dose of sedative. His heart rate slowly calmed down but his tears wouldn't stop and he couldn't seem to control his body- which had started shaking violently. The nurse rubbed his back and spoke to him in a calming manner, but he couldn't get a grip and it was starting to make him more stressed and embarrassed. She gently laid him out so that he was flat on his back and pulled the thin wool blanket over him.

        “Up the dosage, lets see if we can get him asleep.” The words sounded fuzzy and he felt like he was underwater, but he had finally stopped crying. Miserably he let the drugs pull him into an induced sleep, face sticky and tight from being tear tracks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... I updated on time! Can you understand now why I had to rename the manager? Also, I know this is a dark story, but it won't ever explicitly cover sexual abuse. I know it's kind of short, but I really wanted to end it here. I gotta be mysterious every once in a while.  
> Thanks for stopping by and I hope I see you next week!  
> <3 Absey


	10. We'll Always Be Here for You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rocky finally gets to come home from the hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, I suck at updating? That's it? Anyways, this is my apology for being late and all the sad chapters. Finally some cute stuff!!  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        At the end of his three days, if anybody had asked the hospital staff if they were going to miss Rocky the best answer they were going to get was hysterical laughter. The hospital had dealt with many people that hated hospitals, but Rocky seemed to be a whole different level.

        On his first day he got in such a loud argument with Bin over Mario Cart that staff had considered calling in security before going to check on him for fear that a fight was going to break out. That night he had thrown up all of the food he had eaten, only to be drugged and given an IV drip.

        On his second he had woken up before the crack of dawn and tried to workout on top of his hospital bed so he wouldn't get caught. Spoiler: he got caught. He bargained and begged until the staff finally relented. In exchange for him eating an extra bowl of oatmeal he got to workout as hard as he wanted for 20 minutes. When they found another patient happily munching away on his oatmeal after his workout he was sent back to bed by an angry nurse who sat by him and watched as he finished a new bowl of oatmeal. Later that night Manager Jitae came and visited him supposedly to catch him up on what's going on, only for Rocky to throw up his previously eaten food and have another panic attack. The night ended with him drugged again paired with his favorite IV drip.

        On his third day he was denied all visitors when the morning nurse came to check on him, only to find him sawing at his arm with a plastic knife he had stolen from dinner the night before. The head doctor came to talk to him about it, only for him to go pretty much mute and ignore everything she said. When she told him that he was denied visitors for the day he flipped out and tried to make a dash for it. Jitae was still allowed to come visit and talk to him about work which ended the day like the other two; panic attack, vomiting, and an IV drip with sedation.

        The only reason the hospital had finally given him a bitter go ahead on being released was because the only time they could get him to cooperate was when his fellow group members were at the hospital. Because he was an idol, instead of the hospital, his manager got to decide whether or not to have him put in an institution for suicide watch. Aside from the panic attacks he had started putting on a little more weight and had started talking more around the boys, so they deemed it as enough progress to get him out and home.

 

        “Jeez, I bet they hope they never have to see you again!” MJ joked as they waved bye to the nurses who had started telling funny stories about how bad Rocky was to take care of. Rocky was lingering ahead of the group, anxious to be out. Jin Jin was standing to the side with Jitae, being handed a few prescriptions for anti-bacterial pills and sleeping meds for Rocky. Eunwoo and Moon Bin hung in the middle, watching fondly as Sanha walked around Rocky.

        Sanha had been a constant in Rocky's life since joining Astro. They didn't always talk often or do a lot of fan service together, but they stayed close. When anxious one would gently find some way to link themselves to the other whether it be by holding hands, linking arms, or just briefly touching the other person's back, shoulders, or arms. They kept each other steady, relating through the struggle of school and the group.

        Everybody could always easily tell when Sanha was stressed out though. More often than not he would start rambling, a fake smile plastered on his face as he tried to work through whatever was freaking him out. He would revert back to that cutie mask he put on for stages and variety shows to try and hide how he was really feeling. Which was exactly what was happening now. He was gleefully skipping around Rocky telling jokes he overheard at school, voice high and squeaking, eyes never leaving Rocky's face. Unfortunately Rocky was hardly listening, entire body practically shaking. He was anxious to get out and immediately get back to work, needing to catch up on learning and working on the choreo, writing songs, and getting back into shape. He was already planning exactly what he was going to do as soon as they got back to dorm. He would start with two hours of gentle working out (he acknowledged that he did need to be more careful with himself, if only to prevent landing back in the hospital but he wasn’t about to stick to their lame schedule), working on learning the new dance for however long that took, then he would rest and work on his lyrics, ending the day with another hour or two of working out. He was already starting to stretch as they approached the van, the early morning sun starting to peak over the skyscrapers surrounding them.

 

        By the time everybody got home the car had fallen into an awkward silence. Everybody was anxious, waiting with baited breath for somebody else to mention the elephant in the room. After pausing for a few moments Rocky shrugged then the slid the door open.

        “I'm going to go work out for a bit, I'll see you guys at dinner,” he mumbled, stepping out of the van. Jin Jin was quick to jump out behind him, his left hand nervously twitching against his leg.

        “Actually, I wanted to work out too, mind if I come with you? I just need to grab my headphones.” Rocky eyed Jin Jin, but could tell by the way he was dragging Rocky inside he was going to come along anyways. The rest of the boys murmured quietly and started climbing out of the van.

        Jin Jin was out of his room as fast as he was inside, back with headphones hanging around his neck. They walked in near silence to the building, small talk floating awkwardly between them.

        Once they started working out Rocky was dismayed to find out how quickly he got tired. In just a few moments of jogging on the treadmill and sweat was beading on his face with his lungs tightening uncomfortably. Jin Jin checked his watch then stopped his music. “Hey! Rocky, c’mon. We should probably head back.” Rocky hopped down from the treadmill and mopped his face.

        “It’s only been like, 30 minutes. Can’t we stay a little longer?” Rocky tried to keep the whine out of his voice, but from the way Jin Jin smiled at him he knew he failed. Jin Jin patted his shoulder and led them out of the work out room.

        “No, you’re recovering. Besides I’m old, I get tired easily.” Jin Jin said, bending over and bracing a hand on his lower back with a smile. Rocky laughed loudly and pushed Jin Jin into the wall away from himself. Jin Jin straightened up and they casually walked out of the building, a brisk wind making both of the boys shiver and huddle closer together.

        A few minutes of silent walking passed with Jin Jin shifting anxiously, only stopping when Rocky sighed loudly.

        “C’mon, just spit it out. I know you’re dying to ask me questions,” Rocky huffed, looking away from Jin Jin, “What happened Rocky? When did you become such a shitty mess? How were you able to do such _terrible_ things to yourself?” He mocked, waving his arms in the air. Jin Jin stared up at the sky, sun still shining happily.

        “Jitae’s been spending a lot of time with you, huh?” Jin Jin said, fidgeting with his fingers.

        “Huh?”

        “Well, you know, he started visiting you at the hospital and has taken quite a liking to you. I’m just making sure everything’s staying, you know,” Jin Jin’s ears flushed and he took a step away from Rocky, “purely business.” He finally finished with a mumble. “I just wanna make sure you’re doing as good as you can right now. I know you’ll talk to someone about,” he waved pathetically at the road in front of them, “when you’re ready.”

        “What?” Rocky yelped, ears and cheeks bright red. “You’re concerned I’m dating our _manager_ ? At the _hospital_ ? After I tried to _kill_ myself?” Rocky’s voice progressively got louder until he was screeching the last question. Jin Jin immediately pulled Rocky to a stop, his hand resting tightly around Rocky’s bicep. Jin Jin’s jaw was tight, but he held a calm confidence around him that Rocky drew from, settling his harsh breathing.

        “I promise you, it’s nothing like that. He just,” Jin Jin paused, instinctively pulling Rocky closer and wrapping his hand around Rocky’s back. He took in a deep breath and shot Rocky a smile even he knew looked fake before continuing, “he gives me a bad feeling. I swear I’m just looking out for you.” Jin Jin’s voice was shaky and uneven. Rocky was more concerned now, quietly holding onto Jin Jin’s shoulder, not sure what to say to comfort him. Before he could decide on anything to say Jin Jin shook his head and gave a much more real smile, starting to walk and dragging Rocky along with him. “Anyways! This is supposed to be a party, not a chit-chat of all my motherly concerns.”

        “Party?” Rocky inquired, making Jin Jin duck his head in shame.

        “Ah, shit.” Jin Jin laughed, rubbing the back of his neck with a sheepish smile. “It was supposed to be a surprise.” They walked up to the dorm door and Jin Jin untangled himself with Rocky before knocking twice and opening the door with a grand gesture. “Welcome home Rocky! We decided to throw a surprise party for you!”

        Inside the room the rest of the boys were huddled around a small cake full of candles, Rocky’s favorite take-out, and a little pile of sheet masks in between them. A poorly decorated paper sign hung behind them with little words of encouragement from all of the boys, along with cute childish drawings that Rocky could easily tell were from MJ and Sanha.

        “Surprise!!” The rest of the boys shouted as Jin Jin dragged a speechless Rocky into their little circle. Sanha was waving his arms a little too enthusiastically which led to him accidentally knocking over his small cup of soda, right on to Eunwoo and Moon Bin who were leaning against one another talking at Rocky excitedly. Moon Bin screeched and Eunwoo whined, both of them standing to go wash themselves off. Jin Jin smacked Sanha’s leg while MJ howled with laughter, which just made the damp pair whine even louder.

        “Sorry!” Sanha called in an unapologetic manner as he happily dished Rocky a small bit of the take-out onto a plastic plate. “MJ and I set up the banner and decorations while Eunwoo and Moon Bin ordered the food. We had to work really hard to get it done in the small amount of time we had, but we all really wanted to surprise you.” Sanha beamed, face only darkening for a second as he murmured, “Though I think decorating was _way_ harder than calling in for some food.” Then he went back to a face-splitting smile, pink cheeks and all, “Were you surprised?” Rocky glanced at Jin Jin for a second before giggling into his hand.

        “I love the decorations, but Jin Jin spoiled the party right as we entered the building.” Jin Jin blanched at Rocky’s words.

        “Rocky! You weren’t supposed to tell them that! I thought that was our little secret. I thought I could trust you.” Jin Jin moaned over dramatically, pressing his hand to his forehead. Sanha just screeched (much higher pitched than the rest of the boys) and repeatedly smacked Jin Jin in the arm.

        “Jin Jin,” Sanha whined, dragging the name out, “You always ruin the surprises! We put so much work into the party too.” He whined, pouting while stuffing his mouth full of noodles. Rocky smiled and reached around the cake to pat Sanha’s thigh, making Sanha stop in his tracks.

        “I really love the party. The decorations are my favorite.” Rocky said quietly, lips curled into an ironic smile. “And I was very surprised when Jin Jin told me about the party out in the hallway.” Rocky sat back slightly, but he and Sanha kept eye contact with very pink cheeks until MJ interjected noisily.

        “Why hello there Jin Jin! How are you doing today? I’m doing great! How’s the weather for you over there? For me there’s just a tad bit too much sexual tension in the air, and Moon Bin and Eunwoo aren’t even here.” MJ rambled, pretending to hold a conversation with Jin Jin (who was too busy dying of laughter to respond to MJ). Rocky and Sanha jumped away from each other, faces red all the way down to their throats. MJ and Jin Jin dissolved into laughter as the two youngest boys stuffed their mouths full of food, avoiding commenting.

        “Oh! Speaking of the sexual tension couple, where are Bin and Eunwoo? I certainly hope they are both presentable.” Jin Jin said loudly, fully directed at the kitchen area of the dorm where the two had disappeared to. Not even five seconds later and both boys emerged, cheeks very pink. Sanha and Rocky cackled at their torment, completely ignoring the fact that MJ had just done the same thing to them.

        “Very funny.” Eunwoo said while Moon Bin stuck out his tongue. Both of them then stood in front of Rocky, the small cake now covered in wax from the ignored candles which had melted completely. “We were actually just preparing this.” They motioned in between the two of them where a small brown paper bag was nestled in their arms.

        “Here you go Minhyuk! Just a small present from the two of us.” Moon Bin handed the bag over to an eager Rocky.

        “We just wanted to make sure you knew how much we all really cared about you, and how much we all need you.” Eunwoo finished while Rocky dug through the tissue paper in the bag. He pulled out a small glass jar full of folded papers and looked to Moon Bin for clarification.

        “We got experiences, memories, and feelings of all the boys and wrote them down for you to read when you’re feeling down, or need some support when we aren’t around.” Moon Bin answered the unasked question, unknowingly glancing down to Rocky’s wrists. Rocky shifted his wrists slightly, turning them in towards his body before beaming widely.

        “Wait!” Sanha hollered, drawing everyone’s eyes. “That’s what you wanted those for? He can’t read what I said! Rocky give that jar to me for a second, I need to find one of the things I wrote!” Sanha screeched, diving towards Rocky.

        “No way! These are for me. If you said it, you have to be okay with me reading it.” Rocky rolled away from him, carefully cradling the jar in his arms and fending Sanha off with his feet.

        “No! It’s embarrassing.” Sanha whined, making one last lunge towards Rocky. Rocky wrapped one arm around Sanha and flipped him to the ground, sitting on his stomach triumphantly.

        “Good.” Rocky stuck out his tongue, holding the jar above Sanha’s head. Sanha whined louder and crossed his arms, sticking his bottom lip out in a perfected pout. A bright flash of a camera distracted both of them. The four other boys were sitting around the other side of the cake, loving smiles on their faces. Jin Jin was tucking his phone into his back pocket before what had happened finally clicked in both Rocky and Sanha’s minds.

        “Wait-”

        “Give that back!” Sanha and Rocky tripped over each other trying to get Jin Jin’s phone. Jin Jin just smiled sweetly and waved his phone in front of both of their faces.

        “You two know that I’m an avid scrapbooker! I can’t help it if I have to collect memories _somehow._ ” He mocked gently. “Now, c’mon, let’s eat cake.”

        Eunwoo coughed quietly, “Actually, we can’t do that.” He poked at the waxy cake. “There’s no way that this thing is safe to eat anymore.” The chocolate frosted cake now had hot pink and bright blue rivulets of cool wax melted deep into the center. It looked cool, but certainly was not safe to eat.

        “Aww, but we spent money on it! We can’t eat it?” Moon Bin whined, poking at it dejectedly. Eunwoo nodded sadly, joining in on the poking of the dismal cake.

        “Who says we can’t eat it!” MJ cheered, slicing a small piece of the cake and stuffing it into his mouth before any one could stop him.

        “Hey! MJ. Spit. That. Out. We have no idea if these are poisonous or not!” Jin Jin yelled, smacking MJ on his back. MJ’s brows furrowed stubbornly before he swallowed proudly. He smacked his lips noisily and rubbed his stomach.

        “Mm, waxy.”

 

        The rest of the night passed in a similar manner, reminiscing training and past concerts with jokes and wrestling breaking out in between stories. Moon Bin’s heart swelled as he brushed his teeth before bed. Rocky hadn’t let go of his glass jar the entire night, even during his many fights with Sanha, whether it was nestled in between his legs, or he had a hand lazily resting on it, contact was never broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ta-da!!! Was it better than the last few chapters? Everyone finally gets a break! What'dya think? I really am sorry this is so late, school's just being a pain for me right now. Like, really, how important is it to graduate? Ugghhh, anyways, thanks for reading!! I love you all with my whole heart and I can't wait to see you all again next week (hopefully actually on Friday this time).  
> <3 Absey


	11. A Schedule

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short summary of Rocky's life at home (or the beginning of it).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof. So this is the start of a 6 mini chapter series (kind of?), so a couple of extra updates will be posted over the next week or two. Whooo!!!

        The next couple of weeks were hard for everybody. They did their best to stick to their schedule, but Rocky would continually throw up the food they made. Everyone would get exasperated when they heard about Sanha waking up to Rocky working out, having no clue of how long he had been up. Sanha would stress and fuss, but Rocky would just laugh it off, always saying he had just woken up.

        They would then move to the kitchen where everybody would try (and fail) to not watch Rocky eat his tiny measured portions of food like vultures. About every other day they would get him to actually finish the plate, but he would refuse to eat just as often- simply picking up the prepared plate and putting the food away without a word.

        The stress was clearly taking a toll on all of them, but they saw slight improvements. Every once in awhile Rocky would make some lame joke, beg for some sugary snack or simply freestyle to a song in a store while they shopped that proved to them he was starting to recover little by little.

        Jin Jin kept a meticulous journal of Rocky's habits and attitudes, recording what worked to calm him down, what foods he would most often eat, how his weight had been changing, if any new cuts had appeared on his arms, and other related things. He called their doctor at least once a week to see if there was anything he could do to make Rocky's life easier and get other general tips but the only thing she would ever say was “get him to meet with a psychiatrist.” If just the word psychiatrist was brought up around Rocky he would scowl, usually mutter a curse or two at the speaker and walk away. If he felt cornered in any way he would simply get angry and fight back until he could leave.

        Things were hardest for him and the others when he was caught with fresh cuts. Everybody had found him in the bathroom at least once usually around midnight with blood slicked wrists and shaky hands...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, it's short. But! I hate life right now, so I'm impressed I even got this up. I love all of you and your beautiful comments (almost as beautiful as your faces that I can't see). Lemme know what you're thinking of life right now!  
> <3 Absey


	12. MJ

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MJ is up late and catches Rocky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short, also later than I planned, but hey! School is the most time consuming devil there is.  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        MJ had been the one to find Rocky first. It was Rocky's third night home, and they all thought everything was still going great.

        Due to an excessively full bladder, MJ forgot to knock on the door of the bathroom, opting to push it open instead, eyes still gritty with sleep. When the door opened he heard Rocky shout something, but the damage was done. Sitting on the floor, leaning against the bathtub Rocky was curled in on himself, a dismantled shaving razor clutched in his fingers carefully. His eyes were glassy but his hands were steady. MJ sucked in a painful breath and shut the door behind him, dropping beside Rocky. Rocky flinched violently away from MJ, blood starting to drip from his wrists onto a small stack of paper towels between his legs.

        “Rocky, what are you doing?” MJ asked forlornly, pulling the blade out Rocky's hand gently.

        “Nothing. It just slipped. I'll clean myself up then go to bed.” Rocky said quietly, pressing his right hand over his bloody wrist.

        “Don't lie to me!” MJ snapped, making Rocky flinch again. A moment later and MJ sighed, leaning against the tub and into Rocky's steady body. “ _Please_ , don't lie to me,” he said with a shaky voice, “I know I may look stupid, but I'm not that stupid, so don't treat me like I am. Why tonight? Did we do something wrong? The more you talk to us the more I can help you.” MJ explained, rubbing a hand over Rocky's back soothingly and almost thoughtlessly. Rocky hummed before resting his head on MJ’s shoulder, blood starting to collect and slip through his right hand.

        “No, nothing happened today. Today was great.” MJ waited, silence filling the space heavily. Rocky sat still for a couple more seconds before he started talking again. “It's just, this is going to sound really stupid- it _is_ really stupid- but I miss it sometimes. Like, I get this itch across my skin when I see my other scars, when I do something wrong, even if I just see something sharp. The only way I can justify spending time with such amazing people is if I continually punish myself. Don't worry though! I'm not at a dangerous level, I'm eating, which means I'll be fine. I won't go back to the hospital.” Rocky rambled, fiddling with his blood-sticky fingers. MJ flipped the dirty blade back and forth from hand to hand while he debated what to say.

        Finally he decided and spoke, “It's not stupid. I know it's not stupid, and you know it's not stupid, but it's also not safe.” He gently ran a finger over Rocky's wrist that didn't have any new cuts. “This means that you are sick, and that's perfectly normal. But you can't tell yourself that you don't deserve to spend time with us. Even if you tried to get away from us we would track you down, because you are _our_ Rocky and we love you with our whole hearts. Okay?” Rocky hesitated before nodding sheepishly on MJ’s shoulder. MJ grinned before patting Rocky's thigh. “Good! And I won't let you forget it! Let me help get you cleaned up, then we'll go to bed.” Rocky protested, but MJ put a finger up to his lips, shaking his head.

        They went out to the kitchen, where they had a large stash of bandages of all sizes and ointment hidden away in one of the cupboards. Since the cuts were fairly small (Rocky hadn't been alone for long) they were easy to get cleaned up. MJ absentmindedly scrubbed at Rocky's hands and wrists with warm water, rubbing at the cuts and the scars alike for far longer than necessary.

        As they were finishing up, the real reason for MJ getting up flooded back to his memory, and his bladder. “Ah! Hold on,” He went to the kitchen and filled up a tall glass of water, while hopping from foot to foot, “I gotta piss super bad, so drink this, then I'll be right back.” Rocky shrugged then took a sip of the semi-cold water. Once MJ was sure Rocky was drinking the water he sprinted to the bathroom, chanting “ _gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee,”_ on repeat.

        What seemed liked seconds later, MJ was flapping his wet hands frantically, sprinting back to where Rocky was still sipping on the cup of water. When MJ slid to a stop with a bright smile only he could pull off Rocky snorted, then downed the rest of the water and stood up.

        “That has to be a new record of some sort, you barely left. Anyways, I'll be off to bed now, thanks for all your help MJ.” Rocky said, setting the cup in the sink and heading towards his and Sanha's room. MJ grabbed him by his arm and pulled him in the other direction.

        “Nope! I wanna cuddle with you.” MJ declared, and Rocky sighed. Everybody knew MJ was a cuddly person, but everybody knew even better that you didn't try to refuse MJ’s cuddles.

        “I'm gonna just sleep in your bed then, I'm tired.” Rocky said, following MJ into his room. MJ nodded then quietly opened the door to his and Jin Jin’s room. Inside was nearly pitch black but they could hear Jin Jin’s steady breathing and see the faint outlines of things in the room. Flicking on his phone flashlight MJ began to push things off his bed, including a small mountain of clothes, accessories, and other miscellaneous or suspicious objects. “Wow! I take it Jin Jin’s bed is more comfortable?” Rocky whispered with a sly smile. In return he got a shoe chucked at his head and a quiet grumble from MJ. Finally MJ dusted off the sheets and pulled the blanket up, gesturing for Rocky to climb in.

        Once they were settled Rocky was closest to the wall and MJ was next to him, curled around him like a baby koala. MJ gently massaged Rocky's arms and made sure that Rocky was the first one to slip into unconsciousness. The lull of MJ and Jin Jin’s heavy breathing mixed with a gentle touch and familiar smell quickly relaxed Rocky and put him to sleep. MJ quickly followed and the two slept peacefully the entire night.

        Sanha busted in the next morning, chest heaving with wide, glassy eyes until he met Rocky's eyes. Then he sucked in a deep breath, ran a hand through his curly hair and wished them all a good morning before walking back out of the room. MJ shrugged and curled up against Rocky as he went straight back to sleep.

        Rocky wished he could catch the atmosphere around him in a bottle and save it. He was warm, comfortable, and could practically see the happiness oozing off of MJ while he slept. Later, when Jin Jin woke, he sat up and pouted about how Rocky had stolen MJ away from him, but then quickly decided that he really just wanted to join the cuddle party. The small twin bed unfortunately could not hold three grown boys (no matter how short they were) and sleeping devolved into wrestling for who got to stay on the bed. (Rocky won, mainly through use of his perfected puppy dog eyes that both older boys were susceptible to.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyy so like, it's short, and it's sweet (just like me!) and it's posted. With high hopes I'm letting you all know now, I should be updating again tomorrow. These next few chapters are weird and don't really further the plot line, but I wrote them and didn't want to see them go to waste (even if I hate them). I'm hoping in two weeks we'll be back on track with the actually story, but in the meantime, I got a lil' bit of fluff, a lil' bit of angst, and a whole lot of crappy writing waiting in the wings. You're still my favorite people in the world, and I hope you all know that I love you with all of the shriveled little heart that I have.  
> <3 Absey


	13. Moon Bin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moon Bin finds Rocky, this time during dance practice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy and stay safe!

        Moon Bin was the next person who found him, four days after MJ. They were at dance practice, but Rocky's time for exercise was up so instead he was sitting on the side and watching everybody else work, which was killing him. Red hot coals burned across his skin and he couldn't sit still. His eyes were stinging and he could feel himself starting to slip away. He knew he had to get away from the others.

        “I've got to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.” He called, dusting himself off and heading out of the practice room. He knew he had to make it to the showers and he would be all right. A few seconds later and he realized he was thinking that because the showers always kept a small stockpile of new razors for those people who stayed overnight at the practice building. With that intention now seeded in the back of his mind he was much more jittery, anxious to get out of view and to get all of the intrusive thoughts out of his head. He had been trying to stay away from cutting himself and had actually lasted for the four days between MJ finding him and now, which almost made it worse.

 

        5 minutes into Rocky being gone and Moon Bin had messed up every single run through. He kept glancing to the door, checking each person that passed to make sure it wasn't Rocky returning. He had started twitching, tapping his fingers against his leg, tapping his foot on the floor, anything that kept him moving constantly. His anxious energy had transferred to Sanha, who had also started twitching and turning to MJ every minute to get his opinion on whether or not Rocky should be back by now.

        “Hey! Moon Bin, why don't you go check the bathroom to see if Rocky got lost? He probably just forgot which practice room we're in.” Jin Jin said, loud enough to make sure Sanha also heard what he was saying. Moon Bin halfheartedly nodded and sprinted out of the practice room.

        His shirt was soaked through with sweat, but the rest of the building had the AC on high, making shivers rack up and down his spine nonstop. When he got to the bathroom and checked every single stall only to not find Rocky, his shivering became a part of his panicking. His throat tightened up and his eyes stung. He had absolutely no idea where Rocky would be, and he knew he had to find him now. He had started running around the building, checking random rooms, yelling Rocky's name, but nothing was working. Rocky was no where to be found. A tear or two had slipped down his cheeks as he ran, before he slid to a stop right in front of the showers. They were right next to the bathroom, but Moon Bin had never even considered Rocky would be in there until right now. As soon as that idea popped into his head he remembered the extra razors and knew where Rocky was. He sucked in a deep breath and scrubbed the tears off of his cheeks before slowly creaking the door open.

        “Rocky? Are you in here?” Moon Bin's hands were shaking violently, but his voice was surprisingly steady. He heard someone stop shuffling, and knew he had caught Rocky. He walked into the dimly lit stalls and saw Rocky standing into front of the warped mirrors with glazed eyes, both wrists with four new cuts on them and a small bloody razor sitting next to him on the counter. A small drop of blood splashed onto the stark, white counter, and Rocky winced when he made eye contact with Bin in the mirror. Bin’s face was splotchy and red, his hair a mess from constantly tugging at it and running his hands through it, and his hands were no longer the only part of him shaking. Rocky pulled his wrists to his stomach, pulling the blade so it was out of Bin's sight.

        “Hey Binnie! What's up? I was just about to come back to practice.” Rocky had a smile on his face, but his hands had also started shaking and all color had drained out of his face. Tears blurred in Moon Bin's vision, but he gnawed on his lip to keep from letting them spill over his cheeks.

        “Why?” Moon Bin's gasped, voice cracking as he finally lost control. Unstoppable tears slid down his cheeks, and he shakily sat down on the suspicious grime layered on the shower floor. Rocky was by his side in an instant, kneeling down next to him. Seeing Moon Bin cry tore into Rocky because of how rarely it happened. Rocky held onto Moon Bin, letting him cry into his shoulder and while trying to mumble comforting nonsense. Soon Rocky could no longer stay calm either and a single tear dripped onto Bin's shoulder.

        “Why did you have to come and try and find me? Everything would've been fine if you had just waited.” Rocky slurred bitterly, rubbing at his eyes harshly. Bin’s sobs died off slightly before he sat up straight, looking Rocky in the watery eyes and grabbing his hand.

        “I came because I care about you, and you make me worry. I came because I'm afraid of what will happen if I leave you alone. I came because I'm afraid that you don't realize how important you are to me. I came because I'm afraid that you really don't love yourself, and that someday none of us will be there to remind you and what will happen when that day comes. I came because I love you and I feel responsible for you. I came because I can't live without you, and I can't bear the thought of what you do to yourself when you're alone. I came because you're my little brother and I have to protect you. I came because I'm afraid.” Moon Bin's voice gradually became less and less confident. “Let us help you.” He whispered, pulling Rocky in for a hug. They sat on the floor of the nasty showers for a few more minutes, Rocky trying to get a hold of himself while Moon Bin rubbed his back and shoulders.

        Finally Moon Bin stood up and pulled Rocky to his feet, before picking him like a little kid with Rocky's legs wrapping around to cling to Moon Bin's back and his hands gripping his shoulders. He set Rocky gently down on the shower counter and laughed bitterly. “This feels familiar, doesn't it?” After wetting a paper towel down he gently wiped away the drying and slightly crusty blood. “Does it hurt at all? It looks _so_ painful.” Moon Bin mumbled, brushing a finger over the inflamed edges of one of the cuts.

        “Not really. I guess it did at first, but the more and more I did it the more familiar it became. It feels sort of like when we would stay up all night to practice dancing, or when our muscles would burn so bad we couldn't move the next day.” Rocky said, putting one of his fingers next to Moon Bin's on the other side of the cut. “It feels good, like I've accomplished something.”

        “But what about after? What happens after you...?” Bin asked quietly, holding onto Rocky's hand with his left hand and gently cleaning each individual cut with care. Both of their eyes were glued to Rocky's wrist, silence weighing in between them.

        “Ah, yeah.” Rocky twitched his head, “After,” He sighed with teeth clenched, “after I always feel like, how do I phrase it? A failure, I guess?” Rocky tried to tug his hand out of Bin's hand but Bin just gripped it tighter. They still refused to look at each other, as if by meeting eyes they would cement how bad things had gotten for the two once starry-eyed boys. “I always remember you guys after I've finished, and that only makes me feel worse because I know how much I'm hurting all of you guys, and how much I'm hurting the group. We would be so much farther along if it wasn't for me.” The longer Rocky talked, the tighter Bin’s grip got on his hand. When Rocky's hand started tingling and going a pale white he finally cried out, “Ah! Bin, you're hurting me.” As Rocky tried to pry Bin's hand off his, Bin refocused and dropped Rocky's hand like it burnt him.

        “Right! Sorry.” Bin shook his head, wiping at his face one last time, “Well… I know you're probably sick of hearing this, but I guess in this case you're wrong. I really wouldn't be here if you weren't here, and there's absolutely no way I would have even made it this far without you. Eunwoo has told me nearly the exact same thing, and I can see it in Sanha's, Jin Jin’s, and MJ’s smiles that they would respond the same way if I asked them. You may not always be as loud as the rest of us, but that's a good thing. You give the rest of us a break from each other, and we all want to be here and help give you a break from what's inside your head. I swear on the life of our group that not one of us will ever abandon you or stop caring for you, just like you've done for us, and I'll keep telling you that till you're able to tell yourself that.” Rocky laughed alone awkwardly after Bin finished, hopping off the counter and brushing nonexistent dust off his pants. Moon Bin pulled him into another hug, breathing in the scent of his hair and thanking any one he could think of that Rocky was okay.

A minute of simply hugging passed before Rocky slithered out of Bin's grasp and motioned to the door.

        “This has been great. Very touching, awkward, and whatnot, but we should probably get you back. Even if I can’t practice you can.” Rocky said, pulling open the grimy handle. Moon Bin laughed, pulled off the plaid shirt that he was wearing and handed it to Rocky before leaving the nasty showers.

        “Put this on, Sanha was already super stressed about you and he really needs to be able to focus. Besides,” Moon Bin winked, “it’ll make you look super hot in front of him, which I _know_ you want.” Rocky shut the door and slid on the shirt with a pout. "Oh! Speaking of hot, let me tell you about what Eunwoo did yesterday." Once the too-long sleeves were situated past Rocky's fingertips, he smacked Bin’s arm, which fortunately shut him up about Eunwoo, but unfortunately elicited a dinosaur-like screech that left his ears ringing.

        They crossed the hall and re-entered the practice room, earning them a cheer from the rest of the group who were sprawled out on the floor. Sanha’s grin to Rocky was by far the brightest thing in the room, which everybody noticed and snickered at. (Except for Rocky, the poor boy just smiled back and blushed like a tomato.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, the best bromance there is. I told you I'd update and I did! For once. It's a miracle. Also, rereading these, I realized one of these mini stories TOTALLY gives away something big (like HUUUGGE). Oops! So I have to rearrange my posting order to keep the plot line making sense, and I'm also splitting that one into a 2 part chapter, which might make the next update a tiny bit slower. I'm still hoping to be done with the next three shorts by the end of next week though!!  
> Keep strugglin' on  
> <3 Absey


	14. Eunwoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eunwoo finds Rocky during the high after cutting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very twisty, and like, dark in a weird way? Idk man, at this point I'm just making up stuff as I go.  
> Stay safe and enjoy!

        Eunwoo found him six days later in a near trance state. He  didn’t  technically find Rocky while he was cutting himself, but shortly after. 

        In short bursts, almost like a drug, Rocky’s attitude would sky rocket after he cut himself. He had been left alone for too long in the practice room and needed to burn some steam, which led to him adding a shocking amount of five more slits to each wrist. Thankfully none were too deep. On a high from the endorphin release, Rocky felt inspired to dance to the song that was dancing around in his earbuds. A dark waltz of some sort, and it made him want to twist and turn all over the floor. So that's what he did.  


        That was where Eunwoo had found him. Performing an impromptu ballad to his headphones. It was almost entrancing to watch Rocky. He moved in short bursts, then held out a long pose almost as if he was in slow motion. It looked almost as if he was trapped in a cage of some sort, but then he would turn around and dance in big arcing circles, loose and free. It was a back and forth and frantic, afraid movements and delightful turns across the room, arms moving like a bird. He looked like an angel of death, spinning on the floor; sickly thin and pale, surrounded by mirrors with blood dripping onto the ground around him. Eunwoo's heart wrenched, but he knew he had to interrupt Rocky because of the blood had slid all the way up to his elbows in thick rivulets.  

        Rocky tripped, mid-turn, when he caught sight of Eunwoo standing in the doorway with his mouth open, about to say something.

        “That’s an amazing dance. Working on something new?” The world felt hazy, as if someone had turned the saturation in his eyes down when he made eye contact with Rocky. Rocky tugged his ear buds out of his ears and let them fall down by his neck.

        “Not really, I was just listening to this song and got really inspired, you know? I had to get up and move. It’s amazing sometimes what happens.” Rocky’s eyes had a mad gleam as he mopped the sweat off of his forehead with his shirt. At this point, blood had become smeared across his shirt, shiny dark red spots that drew Eunwoo's attention, and he had to focus on keeping himself from panicking, and yet Rocky didn’t seem to notice or mind at all.  


        “What made you so inspired?” Eunwoo asked pointedly, not yet willing to cross the bridge between them.

        “The pain.” Rocky answered simply, finally approaching Eunwoo. They stood face to face, staring at each other. Two stone pillars who put up with too much to be so young, yet neither were willing to back down.

        “Is that why you cut yourself?” Eunwoo’s voice was pinched and veins were standing out in his forearms but still they stood, unwavering.

        “It wasn’t at first. At first it was to get away from the pain,” Rocky pointed to his forehead, “up here. Now, it’s the only time I feel normal.” Rocky shrugged. 

        A loud slap echoed in the practice room. 

        Eunwoo had hit Rocky, and hit him hard. His eyes unwillingly welled with tears and his cheek turned pink but he still refused to say anything.

        “What is it with this bullshit attitude?” Eunwoo yelled, grabbing Rocky by the front of his shirt, “Why do you feel like you have to pretend to be okay with it? This isn’t right and you know that, yet you refuse to ask for help from any of us! You’re spiraling out of control and it is killing me to watch you. Why won’t you just talk to me?” Rocky hung limply, staring into Eunwoo’s eyes with tears in his eyes and a hand print on his cheek. Eunwoo was panting, chest constricting more than he thought possible, until at last, the world came back into focus. The color was back, his ears were no longer ringing, and Eunwoo could focus again. 

        He set Rocky down and rubbed up and down his shoulders in some semblance of an apology. “You know you can talk to me right? I’ll listen to anything and I won’t tell anybody, not till you’re ready. It’s the least I can do to repay you staying up so many late nights so long ago for me.” Eunwoo was tired. The tiredness had woven into the fibers of his bones, and he didn’t think sleep would help. The tiredness clung like a net around him, suffocating him. Rocky finally touched his arm back, refocusing Eunwoo onto him with a small smile. 

        “I know. And I promise to never forget, but this is something I need right now.” Rocky’s voice was calm, but he was also tired. The high from blood loss had faded and now he just wanted to sleep and never wake up. “Let’s go to bed now, kay?”

        “No, not yet. I need to help get you cleaned up. It’s the most I can to do help right now, and that’s what I need.” Eunwoo mumbled, not meeting Rocky’s eyes. Rocky put both of his hands on Eunwoo’s cheeks and pulled his face to be level with Rocky’s.

        “No. You’re wrong.” Eunwoo stared in response, dumbfounded. Rocky shook his head, irritated. “Ok, well. No, you’re not wrong, I do need help getting cleaned up. That part you’re right about. What you  _ are _ wrong about is that you’re not helping besides that. You are amazing and incredibly helpful, and there’s nothing more I could ask you to do to help me. Except maybe to just not break Bin’s heart.” Eunwoo's heart fluttered and he laughed as Rocky led him to the bathroom.

        “I’m supposed to be the one helping you, not having you validate me.” Eunwoo giggled harder and shook his head, “Or threatening me about my relationship, that’s just weird.” Rocky laughed proudly as he turned on the water to rinse off his wrists.

        “I knew-”

        “Oh shit!” Eunwoo gasped, smacking Rocky. “You’re not supposed to know that. You can’t tell anyone, especially not Jin Jin or MJ.” Rocky kept on laughing while Eunwoo flushed and smacked his arm over and over again, progressively getting harder. "Bin would kill me if that's how they found out!" Eunwoo smacked Rocky three more times, "And MJ and Jin Jin would never let us live it down!" Two more smacks. "Do you know how long they teased us before we finally got together?" Eunwoo turned all of his attention to smacking Rocky, while Rocky wheezed in laughter.  


        “Ow, ow, ow! Stop!” Rocky whined in between gasps, grabbing Eunwoo’s hand to stop the attack, “I was  _ trying _ to tell you I already knew it!” Eunwoo froze.

        “What? How?” Rocky stared at Eunwoo.

        “I’ve known Bin for so long, he tells me literally everything. I started hearing about you when he first got a crush on you, literally like the first time he saw you." Rocky paused and rose an eyebrow. "Trust me, he told me when you two started dating. I have to say, it seems a little cheeky to kiss Binnie then run away with no warning though.” Rocky teased, patting his arms dry to apply a small gauze wrap to his wrists. Eunwoo flushed and hid his face in his hands, peeking down at Rocky through a crack in his fingers.

        “He really told you all of that? Jeez, that’s so embarrassing, I can’t believe him.” Eunwoo whined, helping Rocky tape the gauze down.

        “No, no, no. Lemme tell you. That’s not even the worst of what he’s felt the need to tell me. The worst was probably,” Rocky paused for a moment, tapping his chin, “ah! I know. The worst was  _ definitely  _ when he felt the need to go into explicit detail of the first time you guys “ _ did _ ” it.” Rocky shuddered in horror and Eunwoo screeched, turning on his heel and walking out of the bathroom. Rocky followed close behind in a taunting manner, “I didn’t know that you were so kinky, Eunwoo.” Eunwoo spun around and hit Rocky lightly on the stomach. “Oh wait, just kidding, I totally did. You’re always hitting somebody.”He snickered, holding his arms around his middle protectively.  


        Eunwoo’s face was bright red when he finally turned away and started walking quickly back towards the dorms. “I’m gonna kill him, spilling secrets to someone as bratty as you.” Eunwoo growled. In half a second Rocky's personality flipped and he chased after Eunwoo, repeatedly patting him on the arm nervously. When Eunwoo kept ignoring him he started pulling on Eunwoo’s hand and pouting, till finally Eunwoo looked at him.

        “I was just kidding, I wouldn’t tell anyone, you know that right? I promise I’m sorry.” Rocky whined, making Eunwoo smile.

        “I know, I was just kidding too. I couldn’t ever actually hurt Binnie. I love him too much for that." Rocky's face split into a huge grin and he threw his hands over his mouth to muffle his giggles. Eunwoo rolled his eyes, but a small smile slipped through his facade. "C’mon, lets hurry home. Jin Jin is already going to be pissed at me as it is.” Eunwoo grabbed Rocky’s hand and they dashed the rest of the way home, only to find Jin Jin and MJ sitting up in the living room splitting a glass of wine and waiting for them to get home.

        After Eunwoo got to his bed, as his eyes were slipping shut to sleep, he set an alarm for 2 in the morning. Every single morning from that day forth he would wake up, check Rocky’s bed to make sure he was asleep, then go back to bed. If Rocky wasn’t in bed Eunwoo would check the dorms, then make the trek to the practice building and check each and every room till he found Rocky. Once found, he would drag Rocky home and put him to sleep, waiting by his bed and talking to him till he finally fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... Binu is a thing and I absolutely adore it. This is sort of a new style that I tried?? Sort of?? But I'm super excited to get back to the main arc, so I'm struggling through these last two updates. Jin Jin's chapter is what eases us back into my happy, happy, plot line. I hope you enjoyed this weeks chapter!!! p.s I love hearing from you all, almost as much as I love you all ;) ;)  
> <3 Absey


	15. Sanha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sanha confronts Rocky. Ish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay!! No real warnings for this chapter, just a little awkward fluff for your enjoyment.  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        Sanha was the one that found Rocky most frequently. It was well known that he was a light sleeper, and he was deeply invested in Rocky's well being. He would wake when Eunwoo came in to check on Rocky, and would also wake when Rocky left after that. He would lay frozen, heart pounding in his ears as he checked his phone. Three minutes is how long he waited, every time. Every time when Rocky didn't return Sanha would sit up, feet freezing on the wood floor as he trekked to the bathroom. Every time he would knock softly on the door, three times, and sit down on the floor. He would press his ear against the cold wall and listen to Rocky scuffle around, mumbling a soft excuse. By the time Rocky would have emerged, the sleep and comfortable heat would have dissolved from Sanha's bones and he would be wide awake, watching.

        At first Rocky would come out embarrassed and anxious, wrists pressed carefully against his back. By the seventh time Sanha caught him, Rocky simply emerged with a sigh, blood still slightly smeared on his wrist. Every time Rocky would sit down on the other side of the wall. The gap of the open bathroom door between them, and they would sit in silence.

        Every once in a while Rocky would try to say something, something to try and lessen the pain in Sanha's heart but Sanha would silence it with a simple look.

        Most of the time the two would sit in silence until Sanha could breathe normally again and his hands were no longer shaking. After, he would stand up, silently bandage Rocky, and drag him back to bed where he would cling to Rocky for the rest of the night, unable to let him go for even a second.

        But tonight, Sanha had something different in mind. Tonight they were going to talk, and Sanha was going to learn.

        “Hey, Rocky?” Rocky jumped, glancing to Sanha for a second. “Do you even want to get better?” Sanha's voice was quiet, almost reverent in the early hours of the morning when not even the birds were awake.

        “Of course I want to. I can't wait till we can release our new songs, new dances, and perform on stage again. That's why I became an idol after all.” Rocky snorted, resting his hands in between his legs gently.

        “If you want to go back so bad, why do you keep--" Sanha gestured vaguely in the air-- “doing that?” In the distance a car honked, and the sounds of life outside the pair rushed on. Even though it was so early the morning, the noise never stopped, city dwellers always rushing to the next place.

        “I don't think anybody here could even really understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, which is why I can't really explain it. I figure at some point we'll all be able to move on with our lives even if you guys can't get over my _addiction_.” Rocky scoffed, rolling his eyes. There was a bitter taste in the back of Sanha's mouth but he kept a calm facade, face carefully calm and unrevealing.

        “Obviously none of us could understand what you're going through, but I can see what it's _doing_ to you. And that's what worries me. I looked it up online line, even! Did you know it actually qualifies as an addiction? I know you were mocking us, but from all the stories I read online, I think it'd be worth it to stop.” Sanha whispered. “I don't want you to go somewhere I can't follow you. Which is why I think a therapist would really help you. You wouldn't even have to go by yourself, I had a therapist when I was young for my self confidence and it helped me a lot! Therapy's not a bad thing, and outside of the six of us nobody would even have to know. We wouldn't even have to tell the others, it could just be the two of  us--” Sanha rambled, talking a mile a minute before Rocky interrupted.

        “Fuck you, Yoon Sanha.” Rocky's voice was tired, almost dead sounding. Sanha closed his eyes tightly and took a deep breath.

        “No, fuck you Park Minhyuk.” Sanha's voice was quiet, almost weak sounding, but it was enough to make Rocky freeze.

        “Excuse me? Did we forget who's older here?” Rocky's voice was calm, but the way his jaw and biceps were flexing clearly gave away how mad he was. Sanha spun to face Rocky and sat up on his heels.

        “No, you heard me! Fuck you for making all of us cry and worry incessantly, only to be so selfish to think we don't even care. All of our careers are on hold right now, and we're all nervous, waiting. See, cause you always do this thing called excessive escalation, which will wind up with you half-dead and in the hospital again. You know what I really _don't_ want to ever see again?” Rocky opened his mouth to interrupt, but Sanha cut him off. “You looking so frail it’s hard to believe you're still even breathing on your own." Sanha paused, chest heaving, but this time Rocky didn't try to interrupt. "You know what I do want to see again? I want to see the you before you let your demons get you! The Rocky that used to play with me, who would talk non stop about a dancer you loved. The Rocky that never stopped moving or dancing, always choreographing something in your head. The Rocky that could almost eat as much as me. I miss the Rocky that would play and tease and always had energy that kept all of us going. I miss the Rocky that I love.” Sanha finished, words hanging heavily between them. Rocky had a stunned look on his face, eyebrows raised, mouth hanging open, and a very noticeable blush covering his cheekbones, practically glowing in the tiny sliver of sun that had started crawling through the window. Sanha, on the other hand, was dying internally. Now was _so_ not the right time to bring any of his feelings up.

        “Uh…” Rocky cleared his throat. Sanha's face felt like it was on fire, and he could think of no suitable way to fix the situation.

        “Let's just go to bed.” He winced when his voice cracked on the first word, but Rocky was stuck in the same position, nearly the same expression on his face as earlier. Sanha shivered his shoulders, took a deep breath, then stood up and pulled Rocky up. “C'mon, lemme help you clean up.” He pulled Rocky carefully by his upper forearm -near the elbow- toward the sink.

        When Rocky finally started functioning again Sanha had nearly finished cleaning Rocky's wrist, some slight curls left in his blonde hair from an earlier photo shoot resting against his forehead like a halo.

        “You, uh--,” Rocky started, voice dry and quiet.

        “Hm? You know, I don't think I tell any of you guys that I love you enough. You guys all became my family, and I want it to stay that way, so you should just accept it now, kay?” Sanha said, voice too high and too cheery, but the smile on his face easily distracted Rocky. Rocky simply smiled back, still looking very dazed. Sanha sighed in relief, having barely managed to save(?) himself from an incredibly awkward and embarrassing conversation. He wasn't ready to get turned down by Rocky yet.

        “Ah, yeah. Family, duh. I love you, you guys like my family too.” Rocky mumbled, wincing as Sanha finished taping down the gauze a little too firmly. He straightened back up to his full height, way above Rocky, and smiled brightly.

        “Good! I'm glad we got that covered. We're one big happy family, now lets go to sleep.” Sanha spun on his heel and smacked his cheeks discretely a couple times, trying to get his mind to stop repeating Rocky's almost-confession on a loop.

        The pair quietly snuck back to their room, anxiously holding their breath as they passed by the other two rooms.

        Sanha crawled back into his bed, turned around slightly, and nearly screamed when he saw Rocky had already followed him and was kneeling on the edge his bed beside him.

        “Sorry, I guess I just assumed you wanted me here. It's sort of a habit by now. I can totally leave if you want?” Rocky stared at the sheets, hands nervously tracing the small grey swirls on the dark blue patterned sheets. Sanha lifted the covers, slid over, and motioned Rocky closer with a smile.

        “Of course not! You just surprised me. You look like a little kid in those pajamas, so I was worried some weirdo had snuck in my room.” Sanha laughed, probably a little too loudly for the time of night, but neither of them cared anymore. Rocky scooched in closer to Sanha’s arms, going slow so he could also look over his dark blue pajamas that were adorned in little cartoon tigers. They were too big for Rocky (once again, suspiciously Bin-sized) and they gave him the cutest sweater paws, while still showing off his sharp collar bones that Sanha was definitely too attached to staring at.

        “I like my pajamas.” Rocky whined, flopping one sleeve around.

        “Me too.” Sanha agreed quietly, lips quirking into a fond smile as he slid down under the blankets. Rocky followed his lead and gently wrapped an arm around Sanha's side. Sanha hummed, curling into Rocky and resting his head on Rocky's shoulder while Rocky tucked the blanket up around Sanha's neck. Rocky slowly slid his hand up and down Sanha's back soothingly. In response, Sanha gripped his fingers into the chest of Rocky's pajamas and made a content noise, which made Rocky giggle.

        When they finally settled down, both of them were asleep in mere seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, I feel like at the end of every chapter I say "this isn't my favorite chapter" or "I don't like this chapter" and I'm proud to announce! I'm not breaking the trend! For some reason any time I reread my writing it all feels awkward and clunky. Which I don't like. But that's not important! I'm excited for the next chapter cause I'm a horrible, horrible author and love torturing my poor readers. I'm hoping to update again tomorrow (and if not tomorrow the day after) but after that chapter I'll go back to my regular updating schedule. Whatever that is.   
> Thanks for sticking around through such long notes!   
> <3 Absey


	16. Jin Jin?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oops! I lied. Not Jin Jin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Muwahahaha!!!  
> Warnings for abuse and all that other stuff that's in like every single chapter  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        Rocky knew their manager was a bad person from that day in the hospital. Jitae steadily proved over and over again how miserable of a person he was. He had been tormenting Rocky ever since the hospital; constantly trying to get Rocky alone before pinning him to the wall to show how weak Rocky was, only to drop him and walk away, laughing while Rocky panicked alone. By the tenth day home he had escalated to whispering crude things into Rocky's ear when nobody else was looking, threats of what he could and would do, just to see Rocky pale and his hands shake.

        Weeks passed and Rocky slowly adjusted, beginning to guess when Jitae would be at the dorm and when he needed to stay by one of the other boys to stay safe. At this point nothing too drastic had happened, and Rocky made sure limit any time he spent with Jitae. It was a stressful method, but it worked.

        Unfortunately, a few weeks into Rocky being home and he was sitting in the bathroom at 3 in the morning, quietly relieving some stress. He hadn't expected quiet knocking on the door and jumped, cutting slightly deeper than he meant to.

        “Gimmie one second! I'll be right out.” He yelled, desperately wiping off and hiding his blade under the sink. The door handle clicked and a horrible numb feeling crawled up his legs into the pit of his stomach. There was only one person who had a key to all the doors in the dorm, and it wasn't anyone in Astro. The day had finally come, Jitae had caught Rocky alone, and nobody was going to be coming to Rocky's rescue. He was sure of it.

        The door cracked open and he saw the glint of the streetlight outside the window reflected in Jitae's pitch black eyes.

        “Well, who do we have here?” Jitae slipped in the door and shut it behind him with a grin. “Poor, poor Rocky, all alone.” He pouted, stalking closer to Rocky. “You know? I like your nickname. It's so contradictory. Rocky sounds strong, hard, supportive, and here we have you.” He grabbed Rocky's chin and wiped off the single tear that had slipped down his cheek. “Poor Minhyuk who left his Mom and Dad too early, still as delicate as a flower. Almost like a child.” Rocky slid to the floor, pressing his back to the wall, trying to block the image of Jitae standing over him with a wicked grin.

        His hands were shaking against his legs when he brought his knees up to his chest, constant and quiet tears slipping down his cheeks. Jitae moved quickly, angrily, bending over to clutch Rocky's chin. He jerked Rocky's jaw up harshly to try and make him look him in the eyes, even though Rocky was squeezing his eyes shut. “Look at me when I talk to you boy! You're absolutely pathetic. You know that right?” He tilted Rocky's head back and forth, examining the tears running down his face. "Absolutely pathetic. Just like a child." With a laugh he leaned in close. Close enough Rocky could feel the heat from his breath and smell the cigarette smoke. “Say it,” he demanded, “tell me how pathetic you are.” He growled, gripping tight enough to make Rocky wince and grapple at Jitae's hand, trying to get it off of his rapidly bruising face. “Say it and I'll let you go.” He mocked.

        “I'm pathetic.” Rocky whispered, voice hoarse and cracking. Jitae laughed loudly and cupped a hand around his ear.

        “Sorry, what? I couldn't quite hear you over your crying.” His voice was harsh and pointed, like metal. Something inside Rocky briefly snapped, and a moment of courage rushed through his blood.

        “I'm pathetic.” Rocky said louder, almost defiantly, meeting Jitae's eyes. Jitae threw Rocky's head back harshly, laughing when his head smacked against the bathroom wall.

        “Wow! You do have some fight in you. You're not quite as pathetic as I'm used to.” Jitae tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Granted, that's not very hard.” He then noticed the blood running down Rocky's wrists. Rocky helplessly watched as a wicked smile that showed off Jitae's yellowing and crooked teeth crossed his face. Squatting, he pointed Rocky's face towards his again, ignoring when Rocky flinched away from him. “Trying again, are we? It doesn't look like you're trying very hard. You should do better.” Jitae ran a finger over one of the cuts he could reach, even though Rocky's wrists were turned protectively inward. He pulled away his finger and looked at the dark red blood staining his finger. “So pretty and delicate, just like you.” He cooed, grabbing Rocky's forearm and forcing it down, putting all of the cuts and scars on display. He ran the same finger over the same cut, pressing harder to make Rocky wince and jerk against him. "I bet this almost makes you wish you had killed yourself, huh?"

        “Why can't you just leave me alone?” Rocky asked, having sounded stronger in his head. He kept tugging, trying to get his arm out of Jitae's grasp, but Jitae responded by gripping his forearm tighter. Eventually Rocky gave up and went slack, letting Jitae press and dig into the fresh and sore cuts until Rocky was sure he was going to do permanent damage. After what felt like forever Jitae laughed, wiping his blood-covered finger off higher up on Rocky's arm.

        “Trust me, I'm not even close to done with you.” He leaned in close and pressed Rocky's ear to his mouth harshly. “I'm going to absolutely _ruin_ you. I have all the time in the world, so I'm going to have fun. Have fun as I take away any will you had left to live until I'm left with the perfect group I've been working on.” Jitae wrapped a hand around Rocky's throat gently and Rocky froze. Sometimes when this happened and Jitae was in a good mood he would simply hold Rocky pinned like that, letting go without putting any pressure on Rocky's throat. "We're gonna have _so_ much fun tonight." Jitae growled, tightening his hand and dragging Rocky to standing by his throat. Rocky's mind shut down and the world spun as Jitae held him just off the ground, toes barely brushing desperately against the cold floor as he gasped and gargled. The world was going black around the edges when a noisy thump echoed from down the hall. Jitae jumped into action, dropping Rocky onto the floor and heading towards the door. He paused briefly in the doorway to turn back to Rocky, a false smile on his face. “You tell anyone about this, or even _hint_ to anyone about this, I will personally make your life worthless to live. I will take away what _makes_ your passion.” He threatened, vaguely motioning to Rocky's legs folded haphazardly underneath him. With that he snuck out of the bathroom and seconds later the front door quietly clicked shut.

        Rocky knew he should've finally been able to breathe, but when he tried to take a breath nothing happened. He was violently shaking, but couldn't even manage to move a muscle. His throat burned and his wrist ached, but he was stuck kneeling on the floor with his hands barely holding his upper body up. Finger-shaped bruises were forming on his forearm and he had blood slowly trickling down his arm, but he was only concerned with the fact that he couldn't catch his breath, move, or stop the tears from dripping off his chin. It felt like every ounce of his control had been taken away from him, and he was left with an empty and useless husk of who he used to be. He had never felt more broken. He had no idea how long he sat on the floor, legs going numb as he wheezed and sobbed.

        “Rocky? Are you in here?” The voice was muffled, distorted, but Rocky vaguely noticed the door cracking open. Soon somebody was touching Rocky, forcing him into more of a sitting position. “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Rocky can you hear me?” He could see the fuzzy blur of a person, but couldn't make the connection of _who_ it was exactly. They were touching him all over now and it was making everything worse. He could feel their hands on his face, ghosting over his wrists, rubbing his back. His head buzzed and his skin burned every time he was touched. “Minhyuk can you hear me? I need you to respond to me, even if it's just shaking your head yes and no.” He could hear the desperation, could feel it in the nervous touches, but couldn't get his mouth to respond. The feeling of the Jitae's hand around his throat hadn't left and it was steadily tightening around his throat.

        “Get. Away. From. Me.” Rocky finally managed to gasp out, pulling himself into a tiny ball with his hands wrapped protectively over his head.

        Everything was out of his control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... thoughts? Feelings? Did y'all see that coming? What do you think?   
> You know, I can't break the trend, so! I'm really frustrated that I can't get what I see in my head onto the paper accurately. But hey! I tried. From here on out I'm back on weekly updates. I'm going to tentatively say that they're starting next Friday, but really, by now you should know not to expect too much. Anywaaayyyss can't wait to see you all back in about a week and a half!  
> <3 Absey


	17. Jin Jin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoooo, I'm back!  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        “Minhyuk, you can hear me right? It's Jin Jin, you know me. You can trust me. I'm right beside you. Okay? Listen to my breathing, focus on my voice.” Jin Jin led Rocky through calming exercises, keeping his space, but never stopping talking. Eventually Rocky could feel his lungs loosen up, and his hyperventilating turned into gasping and sobbing. As soon as Rocky partially sat up, reaching out for Jin Jin, he was there, grabbing Rocky's hand and holding it against his chest. Jin Jin's steady heartbeat thrummed against Rocky's fingers, constant and calm. The touching was back, but this time it was familiar, reassuring. Jin Jin ran his left hand up and down Rocky's arms, massaged Rocky's thighs, gently detangled Rocky's hair, all while keeping Rocky's left hand pressed up against his chest. His heartbeat keeping Rocky tethered in reality. Steady and grounding. 

        Rocky was sitting up with the head slumped over, exhausted from stress and wholly relying on Jin Jin to hold him up. “I'm going to move you now, okay? Tell me if you're not okay with it, at any time.” Jin Jin said quietly. Rocky held up his arms, too tired to fight. 

        Jin Jin hefted Rocky onto his back while Rocky loosely clung to Jin Jin’s ratty sleep shirt. He moved both of them to the living room, setting Rocky down gently on the couch. Jin Jin moved to go to the kitchen to go and grab the first aid kit, jerking to a halt when Rocky clung to the bottom hem of his shirt. Without meeting Jin Jin’s eyes, Rocky struggled to pull himself to his feet with his signature pout and proceeded to follow Jin Jin to the kitchen and back, hand never leaving the bottom hem of Jin Jin’s shirt. Jin Jin worked quietly and quickly, disinfecting Rocky's cuts and applying a bruise cream to the traces of fingerprints on Rocky's forearm and throat with an angry frown. 

        Once Rocky was all bandaged and the two were sitting in the dark living room, Jin Jin finally started asking questions. 

        “Minhyuk, you need to tell me who did this to you. I know there is no way in hell you left those bruises on yourself, and you don't have attacks like that for no reason. Was it the manager? Please just tell me." Rocky sat quietly, trying to tune out Jin Jin's pleading. "I swear I won't tell anyone. You know you can trust me, right?” Rocky sat in stubborn silence, doing his best to miss the desperation lacing Jin Jin's voice. “Damn it, Minhyuk!” Rocky flinched away violently, hands shaking ever so slightly . Jin Jin sighed, gently grabbing one of Rocky's hands. “I'm sorry, I just really want to help you. Know that none of my anger is ever directed at you, okay?” 

        “I know.” Rocky mumbled, momentarily tightening his grip on Jin Jin's hand. 

        “I can't help you if you won't talk to me, and you're being abused by  _ someone _ . I can tell.” Jin Jin huffed desperately. “I  _ need _ to help you. Was it the manager? If it is that's totally fine, we can make it stop.” Jin Jin rambled, touching and massaging Rocky's knuckles, palms, and every part of Rocky's hand.

        “I--,” the image of Jitae standing at the door, motioning to Rocky's legs, drifted to the forefront of his mind, “it was nothing. I promise I'm fine now. Well, as fine as I was before." Rocky mumbled, yawning. Jin Jin stared at Rocky, eyes shining sadly. He sighed then stood up. Rocky mirrored him, standing up and holding onto Jin Jin’s hand a little bit tighter than before.

        “Okay. Okay, if you say so. But know you can always come to me, you can tell me anything.” Jin Jin let go of Rocky's hands to pick up the first aid kit, and smiled to himself when Rocky grasped for the hem of his shirt again, silently shadowing him to the kitchen. “Let's go to bed, yeah?” Jin Jin mumbled, switching Rocky's hand off his shirt and back to holding his hand. “Do you want to come sleep with me and MJ? If not, I can guarantee Sanha will be by you the entire night. I bet would even be willing to share his bed.” Rocky hesitated, desperate to follow Jin Jin back to his room, but knew he shouldn't. He didn't want to intrude any more on his group members, who already had to spend so much time with him.  


        “I'll be fine, I'll stay in my room. Thank you though.” Rocky mumbled, clinging to Jin Jin’s hand.

        “Just yell if you need anyone, ok? Doesn't matter the reason, we all want to help.” Jin Jin said, leading Rocky back to his and Sanha's room. Jin Jin pushed the door open, then let go of Rocky's hand. “You sure you'll be okay? Sanha's a really light sleeper, so I can wake him up for you if you want?” Rocky took a hesitant step into the dark room.

        “No, no, don't wake him up, I'll be fine. 'night Jin Jin!” Rocky tried to smile, but it turned into more of a worried grimace. Jin Jin took two short steps into the room and pulled Rocky into a tight hug. 

        “Sleep well, okay? I'll see you in just a few hours.” He whispered before sneaking out of the room and gently shutting the door. 

        The room significantly darkened as soon as the door shut, and the comforting smell of Jin Jin’s cologne quickly dissipated, leaving Rocky alone once again. He couldn't even move from his spot in the middle of the dark room.

 

        “Sanha? Sanha are you awake?” Sanha woke up to Rocky's wavering voice, and he immediately knew something was wrong. He blindly grasped for his lamp switch, bathing the pair in soft, yellow light. Sanha sat straight up when he saw the state Rocky was in. Rocky's hair was loose and disheveled, falling in chunks around his face. He was wearing pajama bottoms that were too big, and once again looked suspiciously like Bin’s (Sanha often wondered if Rocky even had along with an old dance T-shirt, that was also too big, barely staying on his shoulders. He looked like a distressed model of some sort (which Sanha knew he was not supposed to be thinking at the moment). His face was also flushed, though Sanha wasn't sure if he was imagining that part. What he was positive he wasn't imagining, were the dried tear tracks, or the new bandages.

        “Hey, what's wrong?” Sanha cooed, reaching for Rocky's hands. Rocky stepped slightly closer, habitually linking their fingers before speaking again.

        “Nothing, I just sorta had another attack earlier.” At the panicked look on Sanha’s face, he added on quickly, “it's no big deal, Jin Jin was awake and helped me. I just-" his cheeks and ears flushed a darker red and he glanced around the barely lit room with interest, “I don't really want to sleep in my bed tonight.” He mumbled quietly, immediately trying to pull his fingers from Sanha's grasp. “That's stupid,” he shook his head vigorously, “never mind. I'm fine now, and I'll go to sleep. Sorry for waking you.” Rocky tried to slip his hand out of Sanha, but Sanha clung on desperately, thin fingers wrapping (semi-painfully) around Rocky's fingers to trap them in their place. They silently wrestled back and forth with Rocky's fingers for a bit, before Sanha started whispering noisily.

        “No! You can't do that, you woke me up while you look unfairly gorgeous  _ and _ actually want to cuddle? There's no way you're going back on your word now.” He pouted, letting go of Rocky and making grabby fingers towards him instead. “Your payment for waking me up is cuddles. You have no choice. Either you come to me or I will come to you.” Rocky glanced down at his outfit with an embarrassed laugh before walking closer to Sanha and letting Sanha pull him onto the little bed next to him. 

        “Fine.” Rocky sputtered, letting Sanha pull him into a laying down position. They eventually settled with Sanha curling around Rocky. He pulled Rocky close, until he could feel Rocky's heartbeat through his back. Sanha wrapped his arms around Rocky's middle and put his chin on top of Rocky's head with a gleeful smile and a (thankfully) inner screech. Rocky mumbled something unintelligible before he started wriggling in Sanha’s arms. He eventually flipped over so that he was facing Sanha. He tucked his face into the crook of Sanha’s neck, stuck his absolutely freezing feet in between Sanha's very warm legs, then still felt cheeky enough to whisper, “S’more comfy this way.” 

        Sanha could tell his side was going to hurt from laying on it all night, but he could feel Rocky's breath fanning over his collarbone, could feel the way their heartbeats beat in sync from the way their chests were pressed together, could feel Rocky's hands clinging to the front of Sanha's cheesy patterned pajama top and knew that the pain was  _ so _ going to be worth it.

        When Sanha finally pulled his eyes open the next morning, he felt greatly rewarded. Rocky was still asleep, forehead pressed firmly against the center of Sanha's chest. His eyes were relaxed shut, and his hands had migrated so they were wrapped around Sanha's waist securely. The heat coming off of Rocky was enough to lull Sanha back to sleep, but not before he pressed a light kiss to the top of Rocky's head. Rocky had an interesting smell, something of a mix of the rubber mats of the training room and the fancy clothes that they wore for photoshoots, along with the cologne he wore. It was so familiar and relaxing that both boys managed to sleep through all alarms. This, of course, led to Eunwoo barging in yelling about how late both of them were before falling silent. He hesitated for a second before he turned on his heel and came back later with the other three boys in tow. Many pictures were taken. 

 

        And so life went on. The boys drew closer than anyone would've thought possible, but it didn't seem to be enough. Rocky wasn't improving enough. He still was hardly eating, constantly cutting himself, and wouldn't open up to any of the boys. The fans were all anxious, barraging the other boys when they left the dorms, questioning whether Rocky was okay, if the group was going to be breaking up. Worst of all, their manager did nothing to stop it. He simply stood by in the shadows, a protective arm thrown around Eunwoo with a proud smile on his face in public. 

        Behind closed doors he would corner Rocky, see how long he could hold Rocky up by his throat before he passed out, gag Rocky with a sock and punch him in the stomach till he doubled over, torment Rocky in the practice room by making him dance for him. He did it all with his fascination of Rocky's cuts and scars, congratulating Rocky when fresh cuts appeared. It wasn't like torture, it was torture. 

        Rocky's whole world changed when he found out about Jin Jin. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A 'lil bit of fluff, cause I felt like it. (None of these chapters are edited so if you ever see a mistake, please lemme know!) Sooo... mini update on life. Midterms suck, I hate writing research papers, I started a short Socky story that's now on it's 30th page (oops). I have worked on literally none of the things I'm supposed to be doing, and plots hate me. Life is great! I still have a couple chapters saved up, so we should be good for about a month of updating, but unless I get back in the game this story may go on hiatus for 'lil bit. I reaaallly don't want that so I'm trying my best, but I also reaaallly need to graduate. Ya'll are the light of my life, I love you so much!  
> <3 Absey


	18. At Least Rock Bottom Isn't Lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You. Lied?” He eventually sobbed, sinking to his knees and letting his head fall back against the door. “You lied to me. You lied to, to all of us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare yourself for a very long chapter. I couldn't find a good place to cut it, so hopefully it all flows well.  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        It was a fairly normal day for Rocky. He had actually managed to keep his breakfast down, which always put him in a good mood. They had a free day, and all of the boys were planning to brave the fans for a day in the mall. Jin Jin had also finally allowed Rocky to leave the complex with them, causing Rocky to be antsy and excited, ready to get out in public for the first time in nearly a month and a half.

        “Jin Jin!~” Rocky whined, watching the rest of the boys slip on their coats and shoes. “Hurry up, you're soo slow.” Rocky had one arm in his coat and was jumping around, eyes repeatedly flicking between the front door and Jin Jin’s bedroom door. Eventually a bark of laughter slipped from Moon Bin's lips and he shoved Rocky in the direction of Jin Jin's room.

        “Go. Go fetch the slowest rapper in the world.” Without another word, Rocky took off running down the tiny hall.

        “Run, Rocky! Run like the wind!” MJ yelled after him with snicker, leading the rest of the boys to cheering Rocky on. Rocky's excitement and nerves got the best of his manners as he busted into Jin Jin's room without knocking.

       

        There, standing by himself in the middle of the dark room was Jin Jin, with no shirt and boxers on. His back was turned to Rocky, littered with huge bruises. Some were yellowing, but others a dark black lined with a deep purple. The long stretches of bruises were all over Jin Jin’s back, stopping right at the edges of his ribs so he could still get away with wearing sleeveless shirts. The world blurred around Jin Jin's pale and battered skin.

        “Jin-?” Rocky gasped, coat sliding from his arm to the floor with a dull thump. Jin Jin spun quickly in response, eyes wide. Using the shirt in his hands as a shield, Jin Jin covered his bare thighs, mouth already starting to form many variations of an excuse. Unfortunately, once again, Jin Jin was too slow.

        His legs were mirrors of Rocky's forearms.

        Thin pale scars littered his entire upper thighs, marred by deeper red fresh cuts scabbed over and just beginning the healing process.

        “Wait, it's not what you think! It was a, uh, a, uh, skating accident." Jin Jin nodded frantically. "Yeah. Nasty one too, I was embarrassed and didn't want to tell anybody. You should've seen the wreck.” Jin Jin’s hands were moving nonstop. He wrinkled the shirt, then smoothed it out, before folding it slightly. Eventually he settled on twisting it back and forth until his knuckles were a stark white.

        Meanwhile, Rocky was in shambles. His breathing had gone ragged, chest heaving in unsteady gasps as he tried to process what was in front of him.

        “You. Lied?” He managed to sob, sinking to his knees and letting his head fall back against the door. “You lied to me. You lied to, to, all of us." Rocky laughed once, completely hysterical. "You said you were fine, but I _knew_ you knew. I knew you knew what was wrong with the manager. Shit! You even asked me outright.” Rocky's head had fallen forward and his hands were running through his hair over and over while tears dripped onto his favorite pair of jeans.

        He had been avoiding wearing those jeans. They were a really pretty dark blue with a few ripped holes, that he thought showed off his muscle really well. He had saved them specially for today because they were supposed to signify something good. Something new. 

        Jin Jin's face appeared in Rocky's view, dark brown eyes with the honey speckles amplified by the unshed tears glistening in his eyes. There were bruises on Jin Jin’s front too, similar shape and size but slightly lessened in color.

        “Hey. Look at me,” Jin Jin brought one of Rocky's hands up to his cheek, “look, I'm fine. See?” Rocky's fingers ghosted over Jin Jin’s cheek for a moment before drifting down to a bruise on Jin Jin’s lower abdomen. Jin Jin winced and hissed quietly, causing Rocky to back off, pressing his back fully against the door to get as far away from Jin Jin as possible.

        “No. No. _No. No!!_ You're not okay, and you said you were. The manager’s a horrible person, and you've been going through the same exact stuff I have, but you haven't even been willing to tell me about it. Why did you keep asking? You could've told me you knew. We could've talked about it. I could've _helped_ you.” Rocky pressed his hands into his face, vigorously rubbing and scratching at his eyes.

        “Wait, Rocky--" Jin Jin wrestled with Rocky's hands until they were away from his face and they were making eye contact again, “ _what_ exactly has the manager been doing to you?” Jin Jin’s voice was low, and full of a hate Rocky had never heard before, not even from Jitae.

        It was terrifying. It was anguished and pained, but so, so angry.

        In response, Rocky started shaking and hyperventilating again. But for some reason Jin Jin wouldn't leave him alone. “Tell me! What has he been doing to you? Hitting you?” Rocky nodded repeatedly, struggling to catch his breath.

        “He hits me." Rocky paused and Jin Jin nodded for him to go on. Hesitantly, he continued. "He also punches, gags, pulls my hair, chokes me, sometimes makes me dance. He’s also ripped my clothes before. It just, it just keeps. Keeps.” Rocky could feel his whole body moving like a leaf in the wind, but he couldn't stop. He was also crying, trying to get ahold of himself. For some reason, he also felt good. He was finally admitting what he'd been keeping a secret for so long. Somebody understood what it felt to be him. Finally, he was able to take a deep, shuddering breath. “He keeps getting worse, and I'm scared of what will happen if he keeps spending time alone with me.” He choked out. Jin Jin sighed in relief and pulled him into a full-body hug, nodding against the top of Rocky's head.

        “Okay. Hey, you're okay. It's just us, he's not here. You're safe. Catch your breath." Rocky nodded and tried to follow Jin Jin's instructions, but it was so _hard_. It was hard to get his lungs to take in air, and even harder to get them to replace the old and stale air trapped in his lungs. After a few minutes of Jin Jin holding Rocky, he spoke up again. "I have to leave for just one second. I'll be right back, but I need to tell the other boys to go on ahead of us. Will you be okay for just one second?” Jin Jin still had Rocky in his arms, patting and rubbing his back reassuringly. Rocky eventually nodded, pulling himself away from Jin Jin to sit up and wipe at his face.

        Jin Jin quickly threw on his shirt and a random pair of pants before wiping at his face once and rushing out, leaving Rocky kneeling on the floor, coat beside him. Once again Rocky was alone.

        Seconds dragged on and Rocky started scratching at his arm, nerves getting to him. _Jin Jin was sick of you, he got you alone in here then left with the other boys. None of them really wanted you along, so it's better this way. You home alone like always, while the other boys go out and have fun, you know, like_ _real_ _,_ _normal_ _, boys do. Jin Jin isn't pathetic enough to let what Jitae was doing to him stop him from having a life._ A damp feeling started clinging to Rocky's fingernails, but he couldn't feel anything anymore, staring anxiously at the door and waiting for Jin Jin to return.

        To Rocky's surprise, Jin Jin did return, cracking the door open sheepishly. When they made eye contact Rocky's scratching stopped, then he looked down at his arm. He had nervously scratched at his left arm hard enough that blood was now collecting on his skin and was dyeing his fingers and fingernails a dull red.

        “Let's get you cleaned up, yeah? Then we can talk more.” Jin Jin stood Rocky up, led him to the bathroom and gently washed Rocky's arm.

        “This might sting a bit.” He whispered before applying an antiseptic spray. Rocky winced, silently pressing his forehead into Jin Jin’s shoulder.  

        After the spray was dry, Jin Jin led Rocky into the kitchen to start boiling some water. Two empty mugs sat on the counter with silence filling them, each waiting for the other to make a move first.

        “When… did he get to you?” Rocky asked, staring at his own scars. Jin Jin waved a hand through the steam starting to come off the pot on the stove.

        “When he first got the job. I went to our very first meeting and he shoved me in a closet. He left me there while telling me all about how Astro was going to become a vocal and visual only group.” Jin Jin laughed bitterly, hand momentarily closing in a fist around the steam.

        “Wow.” Rocky breathed, staring at Jin Jin. “That's some absolute bullshit. How come you let him treat you like that? We could've helped you.” Jin Jin spun on Rocky, staring him down intensely.

        “Why do you keep letting him abuse you? As the leader there are certain things I have to put up with for the good of the group. You, on the other hand shouldn't have to.”

        “That's some screwy logic, Jin Jin.”

        “This is the idol business, everything about it is screwy.” Jin Jin grumbled, pouring the barely boiling water into the separate mugs. Two tea bags were dipped in, and the silence was back.

        “Can I,” Rocky ran a finger over his right wrist, feeling each individual ridge from the scars and the scabs.

        “What?”

        “Can I, uh, I, see your scars?” It was practically a whisper, reverent and hushed from Rocky's lips.

        “What?” Jin Jin’s eyebrows furrowed. “You want to _see_ my scars? Why?” Rocky shrugged, still tracing his scars back and forth.

        “I guess I want to see that I'm not the only one with such horrible things left behind, constantly taunting me. It all feels kind of fake. Like a cruel practical joke.”

        “You realize that means I will have to like, take off my pants right? That doesn't seem weird to you?” Jin Jin sounded skeptical, but didn't look uncomfortable, swirling his tea bag around in the cup lazily. Rocky stared at the floor with flushed ears.

        “Yeah, I know, but,” Rocky trailed off, pathetically waving his hands in the air. Jin Jin laughed loudly before shrugging and unbuttoning his pants.

        Once he was standing in the kitchen with his pants in his hands, he hopped up on the counter putting his thighs on display. Rocky cautiously walked over to Jin Jin to peek at his pale thighs. His cuts were slightly different than Rocky's, more thin, fine, and a lot more had already finished healing, stark white stripes on his already pale leg.

        “In a horrible, twister way, they're kind of beautiful.” Rocky mumbled, gently running a finger over one of the longest scars, old and faded, going from the very outside edge of Jin Jin’s left thigh to the innermost part by his knee. “They show a kind of strength that most people don't have. But why did you start? And how do you get away with it?” Jin Jin stared at Rocky for a long time, not saying anything. It was clear they were both struggling, but they were making the best out of it. They finally had someone to relate to, someone who would understand something that could never be explained.

        “I actually don’t cut myself, as surprising as that sounds,” Jin Jin’s voice was quiet, and he ran his hand along the back of his neck, “the manager started it. He, uh,” his hands were shaking worse now, and he laced them together behind his neck, nonchalantly leaning back against the wall, “he has this specific knife, and whenever hitting me or-” The two boys made eye-contact when Jin Jin paused, and he threw an unconfident smile towards Rocky, “whatever, isn’t enough he gets it out by slicing open my legs.” Jin Jin’s eyes were glassy as he stared at his legs.

        “You can't-" Rocky paused, shaking his head, “I won't let this keep going on. You don't deserve this. We're supposed to help each other. _I'm_ supposed to help.”

        “ _None_ of us _deserve_ this!” In what felt like half a beat, Jin Jin flipped from calm to hysteric, jumping off the counter and away from Rocky. “We're supposed to be idols! We inspire.” He started pacing, hands moving animatedly. “We give people some one to look up to. We give people hope. We're friends to the people who don't have friends. We're supposed to be perfect! Not flawed, not beaten. We're not supposed to be the ones wanting to die.” Jin Jin was mumbling to himself, knocking his fists against his thighs, still walking back and forth. Back and forth. His thighs turned a deep red but he still didn't stop. Back and forth.

        “Jin Jin, I think you need to stop. Take a break.” Rocky was still standing by the counter, overwhelmed. Jin Jin shook his head, tears starting to drip down his face. He ran his hands through his hair multiple times before he resumed hitting his thighs.

        “No. No, no. No! We're calm. We're poised. We're _idols_. No problems, no need for help.”

        “I'm going to,” Rocky glanced around the room, spotting his cellphone. “I'm going to call MJ. He'll know how to help.” Jin Jin lunged for Rocky's phone, clutching it close to his chest in his shaking hands.

        “No. You can't call MJ. He can't know about this, none of them can.” Jin Jin took a deep breath and shook his head, wiping his tears off of his face. “No. MJ can't know. I'll talk to the manager, and he'll leave you alone.” Jin Jin shuddered. “It'll be okay, you'll recover, then we can go back to work. It'll be okay.” Rocky stood completely still, shell-shocked. He had never watched a break down. It was horrifying to watch. Jin Jin resumed pacing, mumbling to himself and flipping Rocky's phone back and forth in his hands. Bruises had started forming over his scars.

        “Jin Jin. How do I help you? I want to help you.” Rocky slowly approached Jin Jin, hands in the air. Jin Jin was frantic, eyes flicking aimlessly, tears welling up in his eyes as he started smacking Rocky's phone against his thighs. He shook his head violently once before hitting even harder.

        “No. No, I'm fine. I don't need help. Help is only for those who deserve it.” Jin Jin whispered, finally sinking slowly to the floor. Rocky dropped down in front of him, but he wasn't sure Jin Jin even knew who he was. He pulled Jin Jin's hands away from his thighs, forcing him to drop the cell phone. Jin Jin struggled, pulling against Rocky's hands.

        “Jin Jin, listen to me.” Rocky pulled Jin Jin into a hug.

        " _Pathetic_." Jin Jin whispered harshly. Rocky winced, which turned to a full-body flinch when Jin Jin started hitting him. He slapped at his back, scratched at his arms, and screamed for help, lost in a time and space Rocky couldn't access.

        “Jinwoo!” Jin Jin froze momentarily. “Jinwoo, listen to me. Listen to my voice, it's Minhyuk.” Rocky was wracking his brain, trying to remember every other time when Jin Jin helped him. His calming voice, soothing touches, gentle reminders, he mimicked it all.

        Bit by bit Jin Jin responded.

        The longer Rocky talked, the less Jin Jin lashed out. He stopped smacking and scratching at Rocky, choosing to listen to Rocky as he talked about a dream he had the night before. He stopped shaking, choosing to draw comfort from Rocky's soothing touches, leaning into Rocky as he gently ran his fingers through Jin Jin's hair. He was responding to Rocky, and that was all Rocky needed.

        Nearly 20 minutes later and Jin Jin had almost completely calmed down. He had his head in Rocky's lap, fast asleep. Rocky was still petting Jin Jin hair, tussling and messing it up before carefully re-smoothing, making sure every piece was perfectly in its place. Rocky's legs had gone numb and his back stung a little from some shallow scratches but he was happy to wait. Jin Jin put up with so much crap from all of the boys. Now that Rocky knew what Jin Jin was actually going through, an unpleasant feeling paired with an overly strong protective instinct.

        Even though Jin Jin was older than Rocky, it was easy to tell that he was the youngest in the family. His face was pressed into the bend of Rocky's knee, eyes clenched shut, knees pulled tightly up to his chest with one hand resting under his chin on Rocky's leg, and the other hand tucked safely in between his legs. He looked so much younger than his years. The way his hair was currently dyed dark painfully reminded Rocky of his own younger brother.

        Another 20 minutes and Jin Jin finally stirred, rolling off of Rocky's lap and stretching out with a whine. He sat up blearily and ran his hands through his hair. Rocky yawned and stood up, stretching his legs out briefly before filling up a glass of water and handing it to Jin Jin.

        “Sorry about that. I'm not normally like that. How long was I out?” Jin Jin asked before emptying the glass.

        “Not that long.” Rocky took the glass back and set it on the counter while passing Jin Jin his pants. Jin Jin slipped into them with an amused smile before settling down on their couch. Rocky hesitantly followed. “Are you... y’know, okay?” Rocky asked quietly, and Jin Jin shifted awkwardly.

        “I will be. Managers only stay for so long, and once he's finally gone we'll all be better.” Jin Jin said decisively, scrolling through his phone lazily.

        “Yeah, but are _you_ okay? Everybody's been stressed about me, not knowing you’ve been going through the same exact stuff I have. It just,” Rocky shrugged pathetically, “makes me worried.” Jin Jin eyed him, a slight frown curving his lips.

        “Why does it make you worried?” Was all Jin Jin responded with, waiting through a tense silence before Rocky finally answered.

        “Well, you know…” Rocky kicked his feet on the floor, “even with all of everybody's support there are _things_ ,” his fingers twisted together and he looked away from Jin Jin, “that I think, that I _want_ and I don't want you to do that too. I don't want you to feel that way too. I want you to be happy.” Rocky finally finished, voice cracking. Jin Jin sighed and leaned back against the couch, staring blankly at the off-white ceiling.

        “Did you know that South Korea has the third highest suicide rates for men in the world, the highest total suicide rate globally?” Rocky tensed up, but Jin Jin kept talking, “and men in Korea have some of the _most_ lethal suicides. Isn't that interesting?” Jin Jin's voice held a false interest as he turned to look at Rocky. “So many people, so many young boys could've been saved if they had just realized _help_ is not a bad thing.” Jin Jin stared into Rocky's eyes seriously. Rocky's jaw clenched and he rolled his eyes.

        “If this is some way of telling me that I should go to “therapy" or whatever,” Rocky scoffed, rolling his eyes, “you can stuff it. I'm just worried about you and I was trying to be nice.”

        “I _know_ , but that doesn't mean I can't be worried about you.” Jin Jin patted on Rocky's thigh with a small, sad smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a long chapter, isn't it? So yeah, I don't think that this was really all that surprising for anyone, but when I was writing this I surprised myself. (What is planning, anyways?) This is like, the most unedited chapter ever, so if you happen to catch a mistake or two, please lemme know! It's embarrassing when I catch them myself later. I don't know if I've said this before, but I know I can't say it enough. I haaaatttee school. Maybe it's just because I'm so antisocial. Maybe school just sucks. Who knows? Back to the story! What'd you think? Is there anything you liked? Didn't like? (Please ignore my subtle begging for comments ^^)  
> <3 Absey


	19. Happy Moments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo... a little late, but my wifi died which I'm deeming as good enough justification. This is just happy and cute!  
> Stay safe and enjoy!

        Jin Jin and Rocky settled down, leaning against each other and scrolling through their own phones comfortably until Eunwoo pushed the door open and MJ rushed in, all of the boys holding one or two small bags.

        “We're home!” He called, tossing his house keys onto the small end table by the door.

        Moon Bin had no bag, only a small takeaway package of food. MJ held two bags, one black with a silver logo, and the other was a bright purple with fuchsia polka dots. Eunwoo had only one bag, a simple navy blue with sky blue tissue paper sticking out of it. Sanha also had two bags, both relatively plain, one bright yellow the other a dusky orange. Jin Jin cheered and patted the couch next to him when they all finished filing inside.

        “Come, sit! What did you all get? I wanna hear how your trip was. Did you get mobbed? Was everyone safe? Did you all get something to eat?” Jin Jin snorted and pointed at Moon Bin's bag of food. “Obviously Binnie got food.” Moon Bin smiled and dramatically set his doggie bag in the fridge.

        “You know l did.” He cheered, coming to join the group by the couch. Rocky was on the left side of the couch, Eunwoo was next to him in the middle of the couch, with Jin Jin at the right. MJ was between Jin Jin's legs on the floor, and Sanha was leaning against the outside left edge of the couch, legs splayed out in front of him. Bin flopped into their recliner with a happy noise. “I had fun!”

        “Yeah! We didn't even see very many fans, but this one little girl recognized me and wanted an autograph.” MJ proudly chirped, leaning back comfortably into Jin Jin's legs. "She said I was her favorite, then told me her favorite animal is the Bearded Vulture cause it eats bones." MJ paused for a minute, a small smile on his face when Jin Jin started pulling his fingers gently through MJ's hair. "She was a weird little girl. Very cute." He eventually decided, letting his head fall back onto Jin Jin's knees. Jin Jin curled forward to press a short kiss to the middle of MJ's forehead, making MJ giggle.

        “How are you feeling Rocky? Better than when we left?” Sanha asked quietly, peeking over the armrest of the couch.

        “Good,” Rocky glanced back at Jin Jin, who rose an eyebrow and shrugged. “Yeah, good. Much better.” He looked back at Sanha, who was staring intently at Rocky with his chin resting on the armrest of the couch. Sanha's mouth was gently relaxed open and he nodded, lips quirking into a small, open-mouthed smile.

        “Good." Sanha paused, nodding awkwardly against the armrest. "Oh yeah!” He sat straight up, setting the orange bag in Rocky's lap with an even wider smile. “I got you something.”

        “Oh, we got you something too.” MJ remembered, twisting to set the black bag on Jin Jin's lap. Both boys peaked in their respective bags curiously. Jin Jin pulled out a small bottle of fancy cologne and Rocky pulled out a small black box which held a small woven leather bracelet with silver beads on it.

        “We figured you guys might've missed out on our little trip so we wanted to get you a little present.” Eunwoo explained, helping clasp Rocky's new bracelet on. Both boys examined their gifts with a smile on their faces.

        “How'd you guys know this is the one I've been wanting?” Jin Jin said, shaking the bottle excitedly.

        “Are you kidding? I spend 24/7 with you, I sure hope I'd pick up at least a _little_.” MJ scoffed, flicking Jin Jin's shin. In response, Jin Jin laughed and patted MJ's head in a placating manner.

        “I didn't think you ever actually listened to me. I'm impressed!” Moon Bin and Eunwoo laughed when MJ shrieked, switching from flicking Jin Jin's shin to smacking it repeatedly.

        “Do you like it?” Sanha asked quietly, watching as Rocky gently touched the beads. He had reverted back to his previous positioning, chin resting on the couch with his hands perched next to his cheeks, eyes wide and locked on Rocky. Rocky dropped the hand with his bracelet into his lap, but kept running his fingers over the silver beads when he locked eyes with Sanha.

        “I really, really like it.” He grinned. It was the rare kind of grin they didn't get to see very often anymore, with all of his teeth showing and his eyes hidden in pretty half-moons. Sanha grinned back, the hollow of his neck flushing pink.

        “I picked it out, all by myself.” Sanha explained excitedly, reaching out gently to touch the dark leather. “I saw it and it just started whispering _Rocky_ to me.” His hands floated in front of him dramatically and Rocky laughed.

        “It whispered _Rocky,_ huh?” He imitated Sanha's voice before laughing again. “I didn't know jewelry could talk.” Sanha laughed and nodded, hand tightening on the bracelet and Rocky's wrist momentarily.

        The chattering died down, Eunwoo had finished showing of the new, very weird, very lime green and yellow speckled wallet he bought as a gift for his mom, and MJ had finished showing off the new puppy charm he had bought.

        “Well, I think I'm about ready to turn in.” Moon Bin yawned, climbing out of the recliner.

        “You constantly rotate between sleeping too much and too little. It's unhealthy you know.” Eunwoo said, watching as Moon Bin stretched noisily. Moon Bin smirked at him, hands still raised in the air. “If someone looked too deeply into your actions, one might think you _want_ us to worry about you.” Eunwoo huffed, chucking a pillow at Moon Bin's stomach.

        “Maybe just you.” Moon Bin responded with as he easily blocked the pillow, winking cheekily. Eunwoo glared back, and Jin Jin and MJ shared a fond smile. Rocky and Sanha made eye contact and rolled their eyes, sighing in exasperation.

        “Actually, we all should probably head to bed. Manager wants us all to film some news, ad, thingy or something stupid.” Jin Jin interrupted grumpily. Everybody else groaned causing Jin Jin to shrug his shoulders in a half-hearted apology.

        “I don't wanna!” Sanha whined, letting Rocky help pull him to standing. Eunwoo stood up and curled under Moon Bin's arm with another yawn, tucking his head on top of Bin's shoulder.

        “None of us want to Sanha, it's a part of our job.” He explained, making Sanha whine again. “Tell you what, after we finish filming I'll bring back ice cream for everybody and we'll have a mini party.” Eunwoo smiled softly, linking his fingers with Bin’s. Sanha's face brightened immediately and he started tugging Rocky to their room.

        “C’mon! Let's hurry and go to bed. Promise you'll get us ice cream tomorrow?” Sanha glanced back, staring at Eunwoo until he nodded with a fond smile.

        "Of course. Anything for you Sannie." Sanha grimaced at the nickname but nodded once more, dragging Rocky away right after they finished saying their goodnight to the rest of the group.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was in the mood for cute, so I hope this was cute! I had a lot of fun writing this chapter, which is really all I'm looking for at this point, so I hope you all enjoyed it. Also, I never realized how hard writing sequels/partner stories was. Jin Jin's story is coming out very slowly. Like, reaaal slow. Anyways, I hope y'all have had a good week, and I'll see you next week! (I get a break from school next week and I'm so pumped.)  
> <3 Absey


	20. Buildup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sanha and Rocky deal with the aftermath of Rocky finding out about Jin Jin's circumstances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeahhh... back to angst. Sorry!  
> Stay safe and enjoy!

        Once the two boys had disappeared into their own room, Sanha turned to his dresser, sighing.

        “Ice cream is great, but I _really_ don't want to film.” He whined, pulling out his pajamas and slipping off his shirt. Rocky snorted, also starting to change into pajamas.

        “Try almost killing yourself and getting diagnosed with depression. Makes life much easier, you don't even have to leave the house.” He scoffed, voice deadpan but mocking. Sanha spun on Rocky, green dinosaur pajama shirt gripped in his hand tight enough that his knuckles were a stark white.

        “ _Don't._ ” He hissed. “ _Don't_ you _dare_ start making jokes about your illness. If you stop taking it seriously, everything will start getting worse.” Sanha brandished his shirt angrily, stepping closer to Rocky. Rocky rolled his eyes and turned his back on Sanha.

        “Whatever.” He muttered, slipping his shirt on quickly.

        “How do you get those bruises?” Sanha got distracted, watching as a multitude of varying colored splotchy marks on Rocky's back disappeared underneath his shirt. He sat down on Rocky's bed and watched miserably as Rocky tugged the sleeves down to hide his scars.

        “I don't know what you're talking about.” Rocky said tersely, tugging at his sleeves one more time.

        “Yeah you do. You didn't come out with us today, but it wasn't because you were sick. You were fine this morning, which means something else happened.” Sanha said quietly, holding still in hopes to not startle Rocky. Rocky moved to sit on Sanha's bed, frowning. Sanha lunged to grab Rocky's wrist, heart dropping when Rocky flinched and stopped moving. Sanha knew Rocky would rather do anything other than talk to him, and if he got to Sanha's bed he would most likely curl up in Sanha's blanket and go to straight to sleep.

        “No.” Rocky whispered, and Sanha let go of his wrist like he'd been burnt. A second passed as Rocky rubbed at his wrist and Sanha stared. “You're wrong, Jin Jin told you. I was sick.” There was no life in his voice, and he didn't move from the middle of the living room. A car horn honked down the street and both boys flinched, it's bright lights flashing past their curtains, breaking the dim light of their bedroom.

        “That's not true." Sanha snapped, standing up. As if they were tethered, Rocky dropped to the floor when Sanha stood up. He scrambled away from Sanha, pressing up against the wooden frame at the base of Sanha's bed. He curled up and pressed his arms against his stomach. His head was tucked down and his knees were tucked in front of him. Everything about his body positioning, everything about his personality now, told a story of pain, of crippling fear.

        “Go away.” Rocky whispered, voice cracking with eyes clenched shut. “Go away, I wanna be alone. You shouldn't be talking to me. Just leave me alone.” Tears dripped down Rocky's chin quietly, and Sanha dropped to his knees in front of him. Sanha never knew when to stop pushing, and he had clearly gone too far this time. He felt like the point of Sanha meeting Rocky was so that he could help him through these struggles, to try and help reassure Rocky, to help Rocky help himself, and he had screwed up. Screwed it up so bad that a horrible film of fear had shielded Sanha and his love from Rocky. Every once in awhile Sanha wondered fleeting if he was doing more harm than good for Rocky, but knew he was far too attached to try and separate himself.

        “Hey, Rocky,” Sanha sank to his knees and gently touched Rocky's knee. “Rocky, it's me. Sanha. You know me, I'm here for you, always.” Rocky kept his eyes closed, hands protectively pressed around his middle with his nails digging into his arms.

        “Jin Jin. I need to get to Jin Jin.” Rocky mumbled, shaking his head. "Jin Jin needs my help."

        “Why? Why do you need Jin Jin.” Sanha's mind was reeling, everything felt like it was out of his control. A sick joke was being played on him and he was trying his very best to keep up. The only thing he could think to do was keep a steady hand on Rocky's knee. After a few more minutes, Rocky's eyes cleared up and he seemed to get a better hold of himself.

        “Sanha?” Rocky was confused, scrubbing instinctively at the tears on his face. Sanha nodded, grabbing both of Rocky's hands to stop him from scratching at his face.

        “I'm here. What's up?” Sanha slowly tried to pull Rocky out of his curled position, but Rocky shifted and curled into Sanha instead. Rocky's attitude often made him seem like a bigger person, a more powerful, more capable person, but here, clinging desperately to Sanha, Sanha was positive that this was the lowest he would ever see Rocky. Minhyuk, as a person, was too good to lose so much, and Sanha was too deeply in love to let Rocky lose any more of himself. Starting from this very moment, Sanha knew he was going to do more, help more, even if Rocky hated him for it.

        “It's bad, it's so bad.” Tears started welling up in his eyes again and Sanha wrapped his arms tightly around Rocky. Rocky started shaking as soon as he was in Sanha's lap, mumbling nonsense that Sanha couldn't hear. Sanha wasn't sure he wanted to hear. 

        “Shh, it's okay.” Sanha leaned back and let Rocky lay on him, with his nose buried in Rocky's hair. “I'm right here. You'll be okay.” It hurt. It hurt deep inside for Sanha to have to watch as Rocky struggled like this, unwilling to let others in, to let others help.

        Time ticked by slowly. Jin Jin knocked on the door to say goodnight, but Sanha turned him away. Rocky eventually stopped audibly crying, but Sanha could still feel his shoulders shaking. He was so dehydrated that he physically couldn't cry anymore, so Sanha waited. Sanha waited, and waited. Sanha waited until his back hurt from leaning against his bed, waited until his arms got tired from holding Rocky to his chest, waited until Rocky finally calmed down and fell asleep on his lap. When Sanha could feel the steady and calm breaths against his chest he finally moved. With a quiet grunt he hooked one arm under Rocky's legs and the other around his back and stood up. Rocky shifted slightly, but only to turn his face inwards, tuck his nose into Sanha's bare and goose bump ridden skin.

        With a few thanks to someone that Rocky was so light, Sanha settled him into bed before climbing in with him. Instinctively Rocky moved toward Sanha, grabbing sleepily at his hand. Sanha responded by protectively tucking him against his stomach, tall enough that he could comfortably curl around Rocky's sleeping form. Rocky stirred once more to pull Sanha's arm under his head as a makeshift pillow, mumble a quiet “thank you" then he was asleep- Sanha following after shortly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like the more I write this story the more I start to dislike my writing. Or I guess I start to notice why it's not great. Welp! Oh well. (I don't know if any one has noticed, but I loove commas. Thems be my BFFs.) Also, this whole story is wayy longer than it was supposed to be. I promise we're almost to the climax tho, then it'll all start getting better (because y'all deserve to be happy, and so does my poor boi Rocky). Thanks for sticking through it with me,  
> <3 Absey


	21. Calamity: Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sleep was better than cutting, wasn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part one of two. Things get better soon!!  
> Enjoy and stay safe! 
> 
> "You have the power to say,  
> "This is not how my story will end."  
> Use that power and keep fighting."  
> -Unknown

        Jin Jin was the one that woke Sanha and Rocky up, not so gently ripping the blanket off their bodies while singing loudly, proudly, and out of tune.

        “Get your butts out of bed or I'll go fetch Eunwoo. You know he always has a bucket of ice water ready in the morning.” Sanha and Rocky both scrambled to stand up, Rocky's feet tangling in the blanket and sending him sprawling face first onto the floor. Jin Jin laughed and ushered Sanha out of the room before helping Rocky up. “Go on, breakfasts ready. I'll help this poor old man out of bed.” Jin Jin teased, wrapping an arm around Rocky's waist and heaving him to his feet. Sanha laughed and led the way, but Jin Jin tugged Rocky back when he tried to follow.

        “What? I want breakfast too.” Rocky whined, trying to wriggle out of Jin Jin's tight grip.

        “I know, I know,” Jin Jin shook his head, “but real quick- you didn't _tell_ anybody about yesterday right?” Rocky quickly shook his head, eyebrows quirking. Jin Jin shrugged. “MJ's acting weird. It seems like he might know something.”

        “Is that such a bad thing? MJ's pretty smart, you never know, he might be able to help you.” Rocky asked quietly.

        “ _Yes_  that is  _bad_ _._ " Jin Jin shook his head, "No, wait," he frowned, face pinching together unhappily, "Maybe.” He ended with an unsure nod, washed hair swishing across his forehead. “I don't know. He can't know. At least not right now. I really need you to keep this a secret, okay?” Rocky hummed grumpily and agreed. Jin Jin grinned and pulled Rocky tight under his arm for a second before ushering him out of the bedroom. “Good! Let's go eat.”

 

        Life got weird after that, especially when Rocky was alone with Jin Jin and MJ. MJ was always looking for Jin Jin, and Jin Jin never seemed to be near MJ. But Rocky couldn't figure it out, and he didn't really care too. Sleep had become his getaway. Anytime he felt like cutting he would crawl into bed. Anytime one of the boys tried to talk to him about something frustrating like therapy he would crawl into bed. It got to a point where the boys had hit a wall, and were simply trying to keep up with Rocky. Rocky realized he had started spending more time in his bed, but he assumed the boys were happy about it. At least he wasn't starving, overworking, or cutting himself.

 

        “Rocky, c'mon.” Sanha tugged gently at the blanket wrapped around Rocky's body. “Lunch is ready so you need to come out and eat.” Rocky groaned and rolled to face the wall, ignoring Sanha's pokes and prods.

        “Not hungry.” Rocky whispered, mouth tacky from not having brushed his teeth at all for the last two days.

        “That's not the deal. We agreed that you could have one day to stay in bed and do nothing, but today you have to at least shower and eat some food.” Sanha's voice grated on Rocky's ears, forever expecting something more than Rocky could give.

        “Whatever.” Rocky let his eyes slip shut again, darkness toying at the edges of his frayed and damaged mind. Sanha huffed in irritation and stood up, hands still tangled in the edges of Rocky's blanket.

        “Oh no Sanha, I won't get worse, I don't know _what_ you're talking about when you say that I’ll escalate.” Sanha mocked, kicking at the edge of the bed before whining in regret and rubbing at his toes. “I'm just a stupid asshole who doesn't actually care about the other five people going grey haired for him.” After a moment Sanha tossed his edge of the blanket back on Rocky.

        “Are you done yet? I'm trying to sleep.”

        “You know we can't keep waiting forever. You're going to starve yourself or get kicked out of the company if you don't get better.” Sanha whispered, staring at Rocky's back. “Just remember all of us are out here and want to help you, please.” He paused. “For me.” When Rocky didn't respond, he turned and walked out of the room with a disheartened sigh.

        Rocky clenched his eyes shut and deepened his breathing, hoping that sleep would come back. Unfortunately, the only thing that he could do was listen to Sanha's voice echoing and bouncing around in his head. Tiredness weighed impossibly heavy over him, but sleep continued to dance just out of his reach. “Maybe I should shower.” He whispered before tugging himself up to sitting. _Yes, let's do that. Because you're such a desperate people-pleaser. Maybe you should also give in to Jitae too._ A shout from Sanha echoed down the hall and Rocky groaned, knowing that he'd get up anyways, just for Sanha. He wanted to see Sanha smile at him again, not look at him like he was an abandoned puppy in need of help.

        So, slowly, Rocky crawled out of bed. His head felt fuzzy and his limbs felt heavy, but he managed to use the lure of Sanha's voice to get himself into the bathroom. When the door clicked shut, he heard the rest of the boys go silent. _Just get showered than you can go back to bed, you don't even have to talk to them_ . Rocky was pleading with himself. He didn't think it was possible to get anymore pathetic. Or at least he had thought that till he caught sight of his bare wrists. Irritated and healing cuts glared up at him, reminding him of every single time he broke down and was weak. _Weak-er. You're already weak._ A cruel voice in his head added, amplifying and echoing around his head as he struggled and fought to get a grip.

        Everything was getting louder. Too loud. Rocky could hear his heart beat pounding in his ears, the steady drip of their leaky faucet, the quiet whispers coming for down the hall, the hum of the fan, it was all too much. His chest start to constrict, tightening up each time he tried to fill his lungs with air like an invisible boa constrictor crushing the life out of him. Desperately he scrambled to the sink, reaching above for anything that resembled a blade. He had to get his chest to relax, and cutting had always done that.

        The first thing he was able to grab were Moon Bin's hair trimming scissors. Bin was neurotic about keeping his bangs out of his face, and about keeping his scissors sharp, which was a good thing for Rocky. Panting he dragged one edge of the scissors against his wrist. Disappointingly, it stung slightly but did nothing. Rocky's panic level increased. He knew something had to happen soon or he was going to pass out. Pressing even harder, Rocky dragged the scissors across his wrist again, this time with the very tip of the blade pressing deep into his arm. A mix of a sigh and hiss slipped past his lips as his skin parted hesitantly under the scissors. Blood started dripping off his wrist at what should have been an alarming rate, but Rocky felt better now than he had the entire time he'd been in bed.

        At least now he was doing something. Sinking to the floor, Rocky switched hands and struggled through another cut, this time on his right wrist. Scissors were definitely the worst, they made his whole arm ache and his fingers numb. They ended up slipping from Rocky's grip, but not even the harsh clattering bothered him any more. He felt warm, drowsy even, and there was no way he was passing up a much needed opportunity to sleep. Instead, he happily sunk to the floor, laying his head on the edge of the tub, wrists soaking his shirt as he bled. Loud thumping on the door briefly drew Rocky's attention, but he felt like was floating.

        “Rocky! What are you doing?” _Eunwoo_. His mind supplied hazily. “Are you okay? Rocky, answer me!” There were other voices too, but Rocky couldn't focus on them, creating a haze of emotion behind Eunwoo's shouts.

        “I'm totally fine. I'm gonna take a short nap, then hop in the shower!” He mumbled, mouth struggling to form the words running in his head. The chaos outside got louder, but the bubble in his head kept him safe from all the stress and worry he knew he should be feeling.

        “Rocky! I need you to stay awake. Please, just talk to us! Please.” Sanha's voice was thick and for some reason it made Rocky's eyes tear up. “Talk to me.” A steady thumping was droning at the back of Rocky's head, getting louder and louder. 

        “Sanha, you shouldn't cry.” Rocky whispered, eyes drifting shut. “You're much too young to look so sad.” Rocky didn't know how he knew Sanha was crying, he didn't know a lot of things at the moment. The only thing he knew for sure was Sanha. The image of Sanha was crystal clear in his head, but Rocky couldn't figure out why, he was so tired. 

        In a loud cracking  of wood the bathroom door gave way, splintering into pieces around Moon Bin's foot. With a hiss he pulled his foot through the wood, small shards of it sticking into his leg. As soon as his foot was out of the way Bin reached in and unlocked the door, shoving it open without a second thought.

        “An ambulance is on their way now.” MJ called from the hallway. Moon Bin sunk to his knees by Rocky's side.

        “Rocky, hey.” Bin whispered, grabbing both of Rocky's bleeding wrists and covering the long cuts to the best of his ability. Rocky's eyes cracked open slightly at the heat from Bin's hands. “Hey, Hyukie. Listen to me. I need you to talk to me.” Bin whispered, voice thick and wavering. Rocky grinned when he saw Bin's face, eyes opening and closing leisurely.

        “Bin!” Rocky managed to say, eyes bright. Bin sobbed, but smiled and nodded, blood pulsing up between his fingers and over the back of his hands. Rocky frowned and looked over Bin's damp face disapprovingly. “You really shouldn't cry. It makes your face all blotchy and ugly.” His words were starting to slur together, but he was trying so hard, mouth twisting as he fought to vocalize. Wet laughter bubbled out of Bin's lips, tears dripping onto Rocky's arms, creating small clean spots amidst the thick blood before mingling and disappearing into the deep red slick. When Bin didn't stop crying, Rocky struggled to try and sit up, face pale. “Binnie, don't cry.” He whispered softer, gently bumping Bin's shoulder with his head. “I'm just a little sleepy. Let me take a nap and I'll be fine.”

        “No!” Bin shouted, nudging Rocky's limp head off his shoulder. “No, you don't get to go to sleep. Not yet.” Rocky's headed bobbed in the sad attempt of a nod, but his chin fell against his chest and he didn't respond, pulling a heart wrenching and broken scream from the very bottom of Bin's chest. “Not yet.” He sobbed, falling against Rocky's blood soaked shirt, wrists still clasped tightly in his grip. “What the fuck do you think you're doing! You can’t leave me yet, I’m not ready!”

        Sanha ran back to the bathroom, the other boys and paramedics following him closely. The doorway was wide open, with Rocky and Bin on display like a twisted sculpture. Pieces of wood were all over the floor, digging uncomfortably into the balls of his feet. Sanha stared at the wood on the floor, unable to get any closer to Rocky and Bin. He bent down slightly to pull a sharp piece out of his foot. As the blood rushed to his head, everything inside of him collapsed and his legs gave out, sending him to his knees in shock and misery. The paramedics pressed in past Sanha, leaving him stuck on the floor, hands resting on even more wood that hurt just as bad as the piece in his foot. Nothing was cooperating anymore, he couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't even look away from the paramedics as they worked around Bin to get Rocky on a stretcher.

        “Oh.” Sanha gasped, inhaling and exhaling rapidly. “Oh, no.” Blood rushed noisily past his ears as he breathed in repeatedly but didn't get any oxygen. For a brief moment, Sanha stopped breathing and watched as bright spots flashed and danced in front of his eyes, then his world faded to black and he fell fully onto the floor, passed out in the shattered pieces of the bathroom door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it folks! The worst of the worst!! I couldn't find a good way to split the chapter, so I decided to just make a part one and part two. Kudos to any of you who have made it this far, I don't know how you've done it. So, we're starting to reach the wrap up, which means there probably won't be too many more chapters. And for fair warning- all of the science and doctor stuff in this series is complete crap. I have no knowledge of doctors or hospitals, so I'm writing what I think sounds right (and cool).  
> I love you all and I'm always down to chat!  
> <3 Absey


	22. Calamity: Part Two- Just a Little Longer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The other boys of Astro struggling to cope. (Mostly Binu cause I was in a mood)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Sorry this is so, I really didn't mean to wait that long. But I promise, this really is the chapter that things start getting better.  
> Enjoy and stay safe!!

        Eunwoo sprinted around the house, gathering clothes of all sizes into a big duffel bag haphazardly.

        “We're gonna need clothes so we can change at the hospital. Should also bring some of Rocky's clothes for him to change into.” Eunwoo muttered quickly, bursting into Rocky's room. “Rocky,” He gasped, “Rocky hates hospital gowns.” The bag slipped out of his fingers. “We also need…” Eunwoo looked around the room, eyes blurring with tears. “Rocky hates hospital gowns.” He collapsed to his knees and dropped his head into his hands, shoulders shaking in silent sobs. Wiping repeatedly at his cheeks, Eunwoo tried to push himself into standing, only to collapse back onto the floor. “We need a hospital bag.” He whimpered, tears sliding down his cheeks.

        “I've got it. Don't worry about it.” MJ appeared and whispered, rubbing Eunwoo's back. Eunwoo tried to pull away, but MJ forced him into a tight hug. A second later and Eunwoo gave way, collapsing into MJ as he started sobbing.

        “He hates-” Eunwoo choked out, clinging to MJ's back. “MJ, he hates hospital gowns.” MJ nodded and tucked Eunwoo's head under his chin.

        “I know. I know, Minnie.” Was all MJ was able to whisper past the lump in his throat.

 

        “No, he has no allergies.” Jin Jin mumbled, watching as the paramedics bandaged Rocky's wrists. “Yes, he has a history of self harm.” His mouth felt like it was lined with cotton as he answered question after question. Realistically, Jin Jin knew he should've been hysterical, but for some reason everything looked fake, like he was watching it through a TV. Almost as if there was no possible way this could be happening. Rocky was pale and being manhandled to a stretcher, Bin still clinging to his bloody and gashed wrists for dear life. He could hear screaming from one of the back rooms, but figured that MJ would take care of it. MJ was good at that, taking care of people. Two other EMT workers walked past Jin Jin and carried Rocky out of view, feet moving quickly past their messy dorm. “Before you go, can one of you check on Sanha? He might have hit his head.” He mumbled, looked at Sanha’s delicate limbs sprawled across the hallway with concerned disinterest. The paramedic nodded and said something into his radio before looking more fully at Jin Jin with a frown.

        “How are you feeling? Do you feel light headed? Is there any tingling sensations in your hands and feet?” The guy asked cautiously, looking over Jin Jin’s face. He didn’t like that feeling. That feeling of being examined. It was too similar to something much worse he knew.

        “Can you please check on Sanha? He’s the one who needs help.” He snapped, turning towards the hall. He stopped when the paramedic grabbed his arm, but didn’t turn back to face him, fists clenched painfully.

        “I don’t want any of you driving yourselves to the hospital. You’ve all gone into fairly intensive shock and driving right now could end badly. Can you get someone to take you to the hospital?” Jin Jin could feel the adrenaline wearing off and leaving nothing behind, so he nodded tiredly and walked down the hall to MJ and Eunwoo.

        Eunwoo was still curled up in MJ’s arms, half-packed bag sitting close to them, a stray T-shirt sticking haphazardly out the top. Jin Jin ran a hand through Eunwoo’s hair and listened to his quiet, unsteady breathing.

        “How are you guys doing? We have to get a ride to the hospital so I'll call the manager when you’re ready to go.” He muttered softly, not wanting to disturb the illusion of peace surround the pair in Rocky’s dark room- not a thing out of place. MJ looked up and his eyebrows shot up his forehead, an obvious facade of niceness on his face.

        “Oh, so we’re talking now, are we?” He bit out, eyes narrowing. “If you actually _wanted_ my input, I would tell you that there is no way on Earth that I am getting in the car with you or the manager right now. Not till we have a full conversation.” Eunwoo sat up and made a confused noise, a few stray tears slipping down his face. Jin Jin sighed and dragged a hand down his face, a long silence thickening the air in the room before he answered.

        “Can we not do this now?” Was all he said when he did respond, and MJ laughed scornfully. “Rocky should be our priority!” Jin Jin defended, and MJ jumped to his feet, aggressively pressing in close to Jin Jin.

        “There’s always something else that’s a priority. When are you going to consider _yourself_ a priority?” MJ’s voice was calm, but tension rippled around the pair. Eunwoo stayed sitting on the floor, watching with confusion. MJ stepped even closer, until their noses were practically touching. “You realize you’re on the brink of becoming Rocky, right? Who's going to help you?” He whispered and Jin Jin made a noise of protest that MJ shushed with a shake of his head. In frustration Jin Jin grabbed MJ’s shoulder, dragging him away from Eunwoo and towards a different room.

        “Can you go check on Binnie for me?” Jin Jin called back at Eunwoo before he pulled MJ into their bedroom and slammed the door shut.

        

        Eunwoo shuddered, completely drained from his embarrassing sob-fest. After wiping at his face and fixing his hair to the best of his ability, he shakily pulled himself to his feet to go look for Moon Bin. Two steps down the hallway and he found Bin, curled up in the doorway of the bathroom, mutely staring as a paramedic applied ice to Sanha's head and carefully helped Sanha sit up. His hands had a crusty and splotchy coating of Rocky’s blood from his fingertips all the way to the crook of his elbow, along with the torso of his shirt stained with streaks of more dried blood. His leg still had wood slivers sticking out of it, small beads of blood forming around and under the many pieces of the door he had kicked through. A small smudge of blood on Bin's cheek really sealed the ache in Eunwoo's heart, and he carefully approached Bin. He gently brushed at Bin’s hair, pulling a small noise from Bin. He looked up at Eunwoo with red rimmed eyes and tear stains down his cheeks.

        “Lets get you cleaned up, then we’ll head to the hospital.” Eunwoo whispered, running his hands through Bin’s hair to reassure himself that Bin was there in his hands, safe and okay. Bin hummed again and wordlessly let Eunwoo pull him to his feet. They wobbled into the kitchen, unable to go into the bloody bathroom where the scissors were still resting in an open position on the floor.

        Eunwoo let the lukewarm water run over his fingers before grabbing both of Bin’s hands and setting them in the sink. Bin quietly complied, watching with disinterest as Eunwoo lathered soap all over his hands. The clear and foamy soap quickly turned pink as Eunwoo scrubbed at Bin’s hands, having to use his short nails to scrape some of the dried blood off his skin.

        Disappointingly, after the first rinse Bin’s skin was still dark pink and the scent of iron burned at their eyes. Eunwoo started on round two of soaping and Bin slumped into Eunwoo, curling and pressing his back against Eunwoo's chest. Eunwoo pressed a long kiss into the fringe on top of Bin’s head and wrapped his arms around Bin, sudsy fingers around tangling with Bin’s fingers.

        “We’ll be okay. We’ll get through this. We’ve done it before, so we can do it again.” Eunwoo whispered into Bin’s hair, not missing the way Bin shuddered.

        “Will we? Dongmin, can you honestly tell me that we’ll all be the same after this shit show?” Bin sounded angry, but he was shivering and leaning desperately into Eunwoo’s touch.

        “Binnie, you know you can’t talk like that. We need to be able to support each other. This sucks,” Eunwoo grimaced, “this _really_ sucks. But we’ll be fine. Sure we’ll change, but we’ll be better for it. We have to be patient, work hard, and it’ll all pay off in the end. Give it time.”

        “Right.” Bin snorted. “Easy for you to say. You know what I get when I “work hard” and wait patiently?” He sneered. “I get told “not yet”, or “we’ll find a group that works for you, we’re just waiting”. I get my best friend killing himself, my boyfriend overworking himself, I get years of my life stolen from me, I get everything taken from me. _How long_ do I have to wait for it to pay off?” Bin ended close to shouting, trying to pull out of Eunwoo’s grasp. Eunwoo tightly gripped one of Bin’s wrists and dragged him away from the sink, leaving a small trail of bubbles and water behind. He dragged Bin into the living room and to the wall of their pictures.

        “Look at this. Binnie, I swear if you don't,” Eunwoo warned, pointing to the small shrine the boys had built sarcastically out of their photocards and some polaroids that were left over, “look at this.” He pointed at a picture of them all dog piling, their normally perfect hair an absolute mess. “Or look at this.” A picture of MJ and Jin Jin slow dancing in the dorm, when they got incredibly drunk and celebrated nothing all night. "Or this one." It was an old picture of all the boys huddled around a table with junk food covering the floor during a game night they had on one of their rest days before they debuted. Minutes after the happy and smiling picture was taken an argument broke out between Rocky and Moon Bin, which ended with Rocky flipping the Monopoly board and Moon Bin throwing the little game pieces at Rocky's head. “Maybe this one.” A recent picture. Bin didn’t know when Jin Jin had printed it out. It was of Sanha sitting on top of Rocky, Rocky’s precious jar in his hands as they both laughed. The night everything had felt okay after Rocky came home. “Was any of this _not_ worth it? Was meeting me not worth it? Hell, was meeting _Minhyuk_ not worth it? I know how much you adore that kid, and I’m not about to let you abandon him or lose hope on him, simply because he’s lost all hope in himself. You’ve put your heart and soul into this group, into this _family_ , so yes. Sometimes things suck. Suck so bad it seems like it’ll fall apart, but it always, _always_ , will get better. So suck it up for just a little bit longer.” For a minute Bin said nothing, staring at their wall of pictures, eyes lingering on a selfie of Eunwoo and himself with bare faces and bright grins, both winking at the camera. Underneath all their pictures sticking to the wall with cheap putty was the small pile of their albums sitting on an end table, sarcastically signed with cheesy notes. Eventually he sighed, shoulders drooping.

        “A little longer. Just a little longer.” He repeated, and Eunwoo nodded at him. When Eunwoo caught his eye and smiled, Bin grinned back. “Lee Dongmin. Have I ever told you how much I love you?” Eunwoo laughed and put a sudsy hand on Bin’s cheek, pulling him in for a chaste kiss, giggling and wincing in pain when they moved too quickly and their teeth painfully clacked together.

        “Let’s get back to the kitchen before we make more of a mess.”

        “That was such a bad kiss though!” Bin whined, stubbornly standing his ground. “You hurt my mouth, I need you to kiss it better.” When Eunwoo turned around, Bin grinned and over dramatically puckered his lips. Eunwoo responded by booping Bin’s nose, leaving a small circle of soap bubbles on Bin’s nose. “Minnie!” Bin gasped, wiping the bubbles away with great offense. “I _need_ your kisses to keep me happy!” Eunwoo walked away and Bin followed closely.

        “Sorry! But last time I checked you were the one who wanted to keep us a secret.” Eunwoo huffed, rinsing off his hands in the sink. “Except, _apparently_ , from Rocky.” He huffed, spinning and flicking the water into Bin’s face. Bin handed his arms over to Eunwoo with a pained smile, letting him finish rinsing off the blood and soap.

        When they finished, they went and sat by Sanha who was still on the floor, ice pack resting between the back of his head and the wall, staring blankly at something in front of him. He sat quietly, letting Eunwoo and Bin each grab one of his hands tightly.

        “Why?” Sanha whispered, emotionless. Eunwoo and Bin leaned in from either side, squeezing his hands tightly. Bin twisted to rest his forehead on Sanha's shoulder.

        “Sometimes that's just the way life is.” Eunwoo said back.

        “Why doesn't he understand how important he is?” Sanha groaned. Moon Bin nodded against Sanha's shoulder, eyes slipping shut. “I mean, he's such an amazing dancer, a great singer, and such a _passionate_ person. When he dances you can _feel_ his emotions, see it in his face. Especially when his nose scrunches up or his mouth falls open without him noticing it.” Sanha smiled fondly, eyes glistening.

        “Or when he runs his hands through his hair when he's frustrated and gets all silent when he's seriously choreographing a song.” Bin added quietly making Eunwoo and Sanha laugh.

        “We need to remember that Rocky is still Rocky. And he _will_ be okay. ” Eunwoo wrapped an arm around Sanha's shoulders and tapped Bin's head gently. “He just needs a little extra support right now. We haven't been doing good enough, which is why all of us are suffering. If we work a little harder to get him the help he needs, we'll get to see the Rocky we all know and love.” The boys quietly nodded in agreement. “The Rocky _s_ _ome_ of us love a little more than others.” Eunwoo added with a wry grin, nudging Sanha and ruffling his hair with a snicker. Sanha spluttered indignantly, shoving weakly at Eunwoo.

        “I don't hear you denying anything!” Bin joined in on the teasing, gently poking at Sanha's sides. Sanha protested more noisily, swatting now to both of his sides with a small, relieved smile lifting his lips.

        “I hope you both realize that he is my friend, and we do talk a lot, so you should be more careful.” Sanha finally managed to get out in between giggles, causing the other two boys to pause.

        “What's that supposed to mean?” Eunwoo asked, the tickling pausing long enough for Sanha to catch his breath. In response, Sanha rose an eyebrow.

        “What?” Bin added, voice becoming slightly more desperate. He and Eunwoo glanced back and forth to each other over Sanha's head with questioning and worried glances.

        “Bin should really learn to keep his mouth shut if he wants to keep your relationship a secret.” Sanha snickered for a second at their shocked responses. “Granted, you guys should also really practice keeping your hands off each other if you’re going to stay “secret”.” Sanha laughed when both Eunwoo and Bin started making excuses. Before either of them could come up with a semi-realistic answer Sanha cut in, fingers twisting together. “He’s going to be okay though, right? I mean, we’ve been through this before and he was fine. So he’s going to be okay again, right?” Both Eunwoo and Bin were quick to reassure Sanha, but for some reason it didn’t feel authentic, it didn’t feel like they meant or believed it, and that made Sanha’s stomach flip unhappily.

        MJ and Jin Jin came out shortly after, hands intertwined with Jin Jin’s phone held tight in his open hand.

        “You guys ready to head out? MJ’s got some stuff packed for all of us so we can stay the night. Jitae’s on his way with the van.” MJ frowned slightly while Jin Jin spoke, but quickly smiled when Sanha glanced at him.

        Together they walked out, on the way back to the same hospital they were at less than 3 months before.

_Just a little longer._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ta-da!!! Binu is adorable, drama going on in the Myungjin household and my poor boi Sanha. They're struggling. Also, I don't know why, but I feel like Moon Bin and Rocky fight A LOT, but also do that funny no-speaking make-up that some people do. What do I know, maybe that's just me. Anyways, I'm actually really pumped to have made it this far, cause I've actually never finished an entire fic before, but I'm really close to done with this one. The rest of the A/N is gonna be boring and a life update, so you can skip it if you want to. For those of you who have read my other fics, you might know that I'm currently semi-blind and in the middle of finals and other crappy things, but I'm getting better! I'm finally done with my prescription and they'll find out if I'm still broken in a couple of days, and I only have one more final to go before I'm free for December!!! Which means I'm really going to try and finish up this fic by the end of December (but I don't know if I'll be done posting by the end of December. Probably not.)  
> Thanks for listening to me complain about life, I'm still going to try and update Friday, but it may turn into more of a Sat/Sun update... I love y'all with all of my tiny little heart, and it still blows my mind how many people have read this story.  
> <3 Absey


	23. Crossroads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rocky has two options left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annndd I'm late. Like always.  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        The hospital had a weird sense of being both very quiet, and very loud. Everybody they saw was whispering, but the loud drone of machines and a never-quiet paging system created an otherworldly and empty atmosphere.

        Sanha wasn’t really sure how long he’d been sitting next to Rocky’s bed. Nothing seemed to change. It could’ve been minutes or hours and it wouldn’t make a difference to Sanha. His eyes were fixed on the steady drip of a blood transfusion, the rest of the world just outside of his peripheral vision. Jin Jin had gotten up at some point and hadn’t returned yet, but the rest of the group was sitting behind Sanha watching as people came and went out of the room- checking on bandages, shifting a tube, changing something- they were just like the dripping of blood. Slow, quiet, and never-ceasing.

        Sanha knew that he should’ve been glad to see so many people, it meant that Rocky was going to be okay. Otherwise they wouldn’t send so many workers to come check on him. That would be a waste of their time and resources, right?

        The bag of blood was crumpled and nearly empty by the time Jin Jin came back. He had a stack of papers in his hand and was thanking someone on the other end of his cellphone before sitting down next to MJ with a frown.

        The blood continued to drip and run down the tube into Rocky’s arm, disappearing just as a new drop of blood took its place.

        They continued to wait.

        Jin Jin’s phone rang and he left once more, a longing look flashing across his face as he slid the door shut.

        Eventually, many hours later, Rocky started to wake up. He moved slowly at first, eyes squinting open to look around, hands and arms experimentally twitching and flexing by his side. When he saw the thick bandages around his wrist with a few pink splotches starting to show through, he became panicked. He started tugging at the tubes, the bandages, anything he could get his hands around. The nurses rushed in as soon as they were aware he was awake, talking quietly and calmly as they fought to get him to lay down and hold still.

        Rocky only stopped moving when Moon Bin firmly said his name, looking over to his group mates for the first time since waking up. One nurse set a tray of food down in front of Rocky and another nurse pulled off the bandages revealing stitches clinging down the long and angry cuts up his wrists. He sat quietly as they checked over him, head bowed so that he didn’t have to look over to the rest of Astro minus Jin Jin. Eventually the nurses left with a gentle pat to his head, murmuring that the doctor would be in to talk to them shortly.  

        Sanha continued to wait for Rocky to say something. He didn’t.

        “So Rocky,” Eunwoo started tensely, “How are you feeling? Do the stitches hurt? At the very least does your brain hurt from being such an idiot?” Rocky winced and stared down at the tray in front of him. There was a small bowl of oatmeal, a glass of water, and three jellos. Sanha remembered when the only thing they could get Rocky to eat reliably was Jello. Specifically strawberry jello, which was the flavor of every single small cup of jello on his tray. For some reason that hurt.

        “I'm sorry.” Rocky mumbled, head bent low enough that they couldn't see his face. “I didn't mean- it wasn't supposed to- I'm sorry.” A sparkle of tears dripped off of his chin and Sanha felt any resolve he had to stay angry melt away. MJ sighed and stood up, moving Rocky's tray of food off his lap.

        “We know.” He whispered, gently rubbing Rocky's back.

        Sanha couldn't think of anything to say, so he sat. Together all of them sat letting Rocky cry silently and repeatedly wiping at his face, the heel of his hand digging into his eyes. He didn't make a sound, but Sanha couldn't tear his eyes away. Jin Jin was supposed to be here. Jin Jin was the one who knew how to deal with all of them when they got too hyper, when they had a rough practice. Jin Jin was the one who knew how to calm Rocky down and pull him away from the edge, so why wasn't he here? In a single moment Sanha began to hate his youth. He didn't know what to say, how to act, he didn't know what would help and it was hurting his closest friend. He didn't even have a clue of what Rocky was going through.

        “I really didn't mean to.” Rocky hiccuped. “It was just so loud and I didn't think I was so deep. I wanted to stop thinking.” He took one last shuddering breath. “I wanted to stop feeling.” Moon Bin opened his mouth to say something but MJ caught his eye and shook his head, effectively quieting all of them. Fresh tears started running down Rocky's cheeks, head still bent so his eyes were hidden, and Sanha looked away with blurry vision.

        “We know, and we're here for you.” MJ said once more. The room settled into silence again, echoes of the hospital ruckus filling the stark white room.

        “Hey! Sorry I was gone so long!” Jin Jin slid the door open with a wide grin, quickly grabbing all of their attention. Rocky had calmed down slightly with only the residue of tears on his face. “I was making some important phone calls. How ya feelin’ Rock? I hear they pulled you off some pretty strong stuff which has to suck.” The jarring attitude shift made Sanha's head spin, but looked to Rocky for an answer along with everyone else.

        “It's not great.” He eventually croaked, eyes flicking down to his stitched wrists. The overly positive smile stayed on Jin Jin's face but he nodded understandingly.

        “I believe that. And were you trying to kill yourself, or was it an accident?” Jin Jin asked it so casually, but Sanha froze. It seemed like everything about Jin Jin was far too casual. He glanced towards MJ and saw him frown too. Rocky shifted, eyes dropping to his legs quickly.

        “I wasn't trying to, it was an accident.” Jin Jin nodded once more, bright smile still plastered on his face.

        “Hey Jin, can I speak to you for a moment outside?” MJ cut in, a terse smile on his face. Jin Jin shrugged and nodded, letting MJ drag him out of the room.

        When they returned Jin Jin seemed much calmer, but MJ seemed more exasperated. Sanha really wished he had a clue of what was going on with all of his group mates and at this point he was hoping at some point somebody would tell him something. Normally he was able to pick up on subtleties, but this felt like everyone was keeping some sort of secret.

        “I need a moment alone with Rocky, would all of you mind stepping outside and grabbing something to eat? We have something important we need to discuss.” Rocky’s head snapped up at Jin Jin’s announcement and everybody else looked up curiously. When nobody moved Jin Jin frowned and quite literally lifted Sanha out of his seat and started shoving him towards the door. The rest of the boys started slowly following suit, but MJ was gesturing to Jin Jin and mouthing something that Sanha couldn’t quite catch. Rocky seemed anxious as they started getting herded out of the room and he silently reached out for Sanha, which meant Sanha had to stay with Rocky. There were multiple times Sanha _wished_ he had been able to deny Rocky what he wanted, but he so rarely wanted something and Sanha was so weak for his smile, it was pathetic, really.

        When Sanha carefully wrapped his hands around Rocky’s much bigger hands Rocky smiled gratefully, but Jin Jin frowned and rose an eyebrow.

        “Can Sanha stay to talk? He won’t tell anyone anything either.” Rocky begged, voice higher than normal. Sanha shrugged with Jin Jin looked at him expectantly. He wasn’t about to ditch Rocky, no matter how serious the conversation. “He’s good at keeping secrets. He’s a good friend.” Rocky said slowly, his words pinching uncomfortably at Sanha’s heart.

        “This is more of a business meeting…” Jin Jin started, rubbing and twisting his hands together.

        “What kind of business meeting can’t wait until he’s out of the hospital?” Sanha accused, shrugging when Jin Jin shot him a harsh glare.

        “It’s fine, can you just hurry and get to the point?” Jin Jin and Sanha both looked to Rocky, who was starting to pick at the black stitches in his wrist. Sanha’s grip tightened around Rocky’s fingers and he gently tugged his hand away from his wrist earning a pout from Rocky.

        “Minhyuk, we’ve got a problem. We need to be able to tell the fans something or we’ll go under. At this point the company is giving you two options; start going to a totally private, trained psychiatrist or be dropped from Astro and potentially Fantagio. Hyukkie, you know I care about you,” Jin Jin stuck his hand out, wincing just before his hand touched Rocky’s leg. He stopped himself from reaching out to Rocky with an uncomfortable smile, “I wouldn’t do this if they weren’t making me, but you really need help. We _need_ you to get better.”

        “Jin Jin! That’s so unfair, he’s barely been out of commission and the rest of us are still working hard, our fans will understand. They do understand!” Jin Jin turned to Sanha with an exasperated look, but when he opened his mouth to respond Rocky interrupted.

        “I’m an adult, legally they can’t force me in to any kind of counselling can they? And without means they can’t just severe my contract.” His grip had gotten steadily tighter around Sanha’s hand and his voice was barely concealing his anger. Sanha looked to Jin Jin with a proud grin, because Rocky had just became a legal adult which protected him from a lot of different problems. Jin Jin rubbed the back of his neck and Sanha’s stomach dropped.

        “The company is currently getting in contact with your mom to sign papers relinquishing your adult decision ability due to mental instability. I really wasn’t kidding when I said your two options were to go to counselling or leaving Fantagio.”

        “Maybe counselling wouldn’t be so bad? I told you before I’ve done it and it was fine. You’re not actually going to leave Astro are you Hyuk?” Rocky sat back quietly. Sanha was desperate to hear his answer as he gently massaged and felt the familiar veins and knuckles of Rocky’s hand. If Rocky left Astro, Astro wouldn’t even be Astro. He would have to live with knowing they bullied one of their closest friends away from his dream that he worked so hard for and had given up so much to make it a reality. Why couldn’t Jin Jin see that?

        “Please think this over carefully, your mom will probably put you in therapy no matter what, and we can’t handle losing you. I promise it won’t be as bad as you think it is. If it is I’ll go talk to management myself.” Rocky still hadn’t said a word. He was staring at Sanha’s hand, which was wrapped tightly around his, with a scowl set on his face that made him look years older than he actually was.

        “Can you guys just give me a minute? I want to be left alone.” Was all Rocky said when he did respond, carefully pulling his fingers away from Sanha’s. Sanha tried to reach forward and hold Rocky’s hand once more, but froze when Rocky glared at him. Jin Jin stepped forward and put a hand on Sanha’s shoulder, but it felt like a betrayal. Sanha couldn't quite figure out which one of them was the one getting betrayed. 

        “Will you at least let Sanha stay with you?” Jin Jin murmured with a sigh, pushing Sanha’s long bangs off of his forehead. Rocky looked towards the window and shook his head.

        “Why? I said I need a minute to think it over alone. Which means I want to be alone.” Jin Jin winced and his hand froze, tangled in Sanha’s long and unkempt hair.

        “You’re legally classified as a “personal danger” so I can’t let you be alone. If you want I can get a nurse to sit with you?”

 

“Just get out. Sanha can stay as long as he doesn’t touch me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeahhh I wrote this whole thing while sick (still currently sick) so I don't feel like I know how good/bad it is, but I was okay with this chapter. I don't think any of these chapters have been in the same POV, but whatever. This time it's Sanha's! I'm as much of a lawyer as I am a doctor, which means any legal stuff in here is as made up as the medical stuff cause I need a plot that works. Side note- I wrote this while listening to Clair De Lune and I really think it adds to this chap. I haven't done music recommendations before, but I'm always listening to something while writing so if y'all want I can start.  
> Thanks so much for reading!  
> <3 Absey


	24. Wish for a Bubble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sanha and Rocky are alone in the hospital room and have a discussion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, maybe one day I'll actually update this fic on schedule. That day is not today! But maybe one day. Anyways, the song that I would recommend to listen to while reading is either Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie or To Build a Home by The Cinematic Orchestra. I couldn't pick one of the two because I really like both and I listened to both as I wrote this chapter.  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        “Do you think I’m overreacting about therapy?” Rocky asked quietly after 20 minutes of tense silence. Sanha looked up from his phone with raised eyebrows.

        “Is that a trick question? Of course I do.” Rocky huffed and looked back to the window, making Sanha snort. “ _But_ , while I think you’re overreacting, I also can see why you would. I get that it’s scary, and it’s incredibly different, and you’re used to having to bottle up all of your emotions to keep them a secret, but that’s not really an option now, is it?” Rocky shrugged and grabbed his phone, spinning it in circles on the tip of his finger. Sanha leaned back and crossed his legs with a small smile. “I really don’t want you to leave, so I think that while it’s overwhelming, you should give it a try.” Rocky hummed and looked away, phone slipping off of his finger and onto his lap.

        “I dunno, maybe.” He stared out the tiny window, uncomfortable in a way he didn’t think was possible. It felt almost like he was being too cared for now. They had gone so long skirting around the issues, he had gotten used to laughing off any questions and moving on. The feeling of everyone asking him so upfront about his feelings and issues was new and unpleasant. “I feel like I’ve been pushed in a corner, and I don’t like that feeling. I really don’t like that feeling.” He eventually muttered through pursed lips, eyes glued to a group of kids who were playing around with a ball on their way home from school. It was dark and cloudy outside, but the solemn color was a relaxing change from the spotless white of the hospital. When Sanha didn’t immediately respond, Rocky shifted to look at him and make sure he hadn’t said anything wrong that upset Sanha. Sanha’s eyebrows were raised slightly and his mouth was curved into a thoughtful frown as he stared at the wall near Rocky.

        “You know,” he started softly, and Rocky was struck with how much more grown up Sanha looked. When they first met he had obviously looked like a little kid; cheeks puffy and round, teeth crooked, and eyes hidden behind thick glasses. Now he could easily pass as an adult, lean and mature with blond hair carefully pushed up and away from his face as he thoughtfully chose his words. “I bet Jin Jin feels the same way.” When Rocky couldn’t help but scoff, Sanha shook his head. “I”m serious! He just wants to help everybody be and feel their very best, which is why he is always so lenient. He doesn’t think he knows what’s best for us. So he lets us figure it out. Today,” Sanha chewed on the inside of his lip when Rocky looked back to his wrists, “I think, just proved to him that he needed to do something. He felt so helpless at the dorm. I think he always feels helpless when it comes to you.” Sanha leaned back to look at the ceiling and laughed. “He just wants to help, and it frustrates him when he knows he can’t.”

        “Damn, Sanha.” Rocky couldn’t help but laugh, making Sanha sit up quickly in alarm, eyes wide. “When did you get so smart?” He relaxed immediately, cheeks puffing up with air.

        “I’ve always been this smart!”

        The door slid open and both boys froze, suspiciously watching as a nurse walked into the room. When she motioned to Rocky’s wrist he withheld a sigh, letting her check his IV drip and the way the stitches were holding together. She left as quickly as she came, but the laughter that had tickled at Rocky’s stomach before had cemented itself into a miserable brick.

        “How bad was it when you guys found me? I can’t really remember anything.” Sanha hissed through his teeth, an uncomfortable grimace on his face as he uncrossed and re-crossed his legs. The guilt grew heavier and heavier the longer it took for Sanha to answer, and two seconds into the silence Rocky was regretting asking at all.

        He wanted to live in a bubble where he couldn’t see the damage his personal neglect was causing.

        “It, ah,” Sanha shook his head, awkward smile still frozen on his face, “it wasn’t great. MJ was calling the police before Bin had even finished kicking through the bathroom door. I might’ve passed out, and Eunwoo may have had a meltdown as well.” Rocky winced and pulled himself to the back of his hospital bed, as far away from Sanha as he could get. Sanha noticed and smiled reassuringly. “We’re all fine now, we’ve recovered, I promise.” Rocky nodded and Sanha frowned, rubbing the heels of his hands into his thighs. “But it really wasn’t cool. Eunwoo heard something drop in the bathroom from the living room and we all waited to see if you would say or do something. I guess when you didn’t.” he shrugged and Rocky closed his eyes in regret, “we all immediately thought the worst. It’s a good thing we did too, or you probably wouldn’t be alive right now.” Lightning cracked in the distance and a small spattering of rain started pelting the tiny window. “How do you feel about the whole thing?” Sanha asked in a small voice, hands still massaging deep into the muscles of his legs.

        “Am I supposed to feel something other than guilt?” Rocky laughed bitterly, but stopped when Sanha stared at him blankly. “I don’t honestly know how to feel. I can’t seem to figure it out. I’ve spent so long wishing I wasn’t alive,” Sanha opened his mouth to interrupt but Rocky shook his head, “when I finally, albeit accidentally, made action towards that wish, the bad feelings still didn’t stop. All I could think about was how hard it was going to be for Eunwoo to learn the choreography without me helping, how you all would probably only eat junk food after I left, how partner activities on shows would be awkward because there was no longer an even number in Astro, how you all would probably forget about my plant in bedroom and it would die. And yet, deep down, I felt like I was ready. I was ready to be able to sleep with no expectations weighing on me,” Rocky shook his head and ran a finger over the rough and tender edges of his stitches. “I’m not supposed to feel like that, and I know I’m not. I can’t decide which causes more pain, me being here or me being gone.” The long cut followed the muscles in his forearm, slicing directly through his other scars. “It’s pretty fucked up, isn’t it.” He laughed brightly for a second, before scrunching up his face and shaking his head. “You don’t need to hear all of this, you aren’t my therapist.” Heavier rain started smacking into the glass pain, a low roll of thunder undermining Rocky’s words.

        “I can’t tell you how to feel. You can’t tell you how to feel either, I don’t think. And you might be right, I may not be your therapist, but I am here to listen. Bottling up stuff like this can’t be healthy.” Sanha said slowly, watching as the rain created steady rivulets down the window. “I think the only thing I _can_ do right now is listen. I want to be the good friend who helps you get over your problems. The good friend who you can turn to years later and smile at as you say, “it was worth it. It was worth it to stay alive, and I’m glad you listened.” I think that’s what I can do, and I’ll do my very best to help you.” Sanha smiled brightly, two rows of bright white teeth matching the hospital walls.

        Rocky’s mind was wiped blank. The thought that someone could think that about it, think that for him, it was something so different than what was pounded into his head on repeat. It was something so different it made him pause and wonder, for just a moment, what he would be like and how he would feel if he was able to make a full recovery. He wondered, for just a moment, if it might be worth it to try again.

 

“I’d like that. I’d really like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought y'all deserved a little bit of happiness. Also, this I'm so surprised because I've gotten to the point I have to write a new chapter every week for the first time. I had like 70,000 words I had written and was using, but I've posted and edited all of those words. So if chapter quality/length go down, that's why. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! I also hope that (if you listened to the songs) you enjoyed them and they helped add a lil more atmosphere. ^^  
> <3 Absey


	25. Hate for Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bin takes a turn keeping Rocky safe from himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? Me going offline for literally over a week with no warning whatsoever? Yeah. Yeah, that sounds about right. My bad guys! Here's a new chap, even though it's pretty short. The songs I would recommend to listen are either People Help People by Birdy or Irony by Majiko.  
> Stay safe and Enjoy!

        “Hey Sanha? Why don’t you go take a break and get some food.” Moon Bin slid open the door and stepped in, itching a small patch of red and irritated skin on his neck with a small smile. “I wanna talk to Rocky for a minute, if that’s all right?” Both boys looked up from their phones and Rocky shrugged, making a noncommittal waving motion towards the door.

        “Sure, sounds good.” Sanha muttered, stretching slightly before standing up. When he was fully standing, he tucked his phone in his pocket and rubbed the back of his neck while Moon Bin stepped into the room and made himself comfortable. “I guess I’ll be out there, and if you need anything,” he paused and Rocky looked up at him, a small smile on his face, “I’ll be right outside.”

        “See you in a bit.” Rocky said, smile widening into a grin. Bin also called out a farewell, but Sanha had already slid the door shut when Bin finished his long and drawn out speech about missing Sanha.

        “It looks like you’ve been scratching at your neck again, are you doing okay? I hope it doesn’t start bleeding again,” Rocky eventually said, watching as Bin sat in what used to be Sanha’s chair and stared out the window into the storm, short nails absentmindedly digging at the skin right under his jawbone. His hand dropped into his lap and he smiled guiltily.

        “‘S probably just allergies.” Bin’s other hand started scratching at the back of his neck. When he noticed what he was doing he stopped again, hands lacing together tightly in his lap. “It’s _really_ itchy.” He laughed and Rocky nodded, hand brushing over the edges of his stitches once more. “I’ve also had a lot of things on my mind.” Another bolt of lightning flashed in the distance, cracking and splintering the dark and wet sky into bright pieces for a fraction of a second. Down the hall a loud alarm started ringing, muted and distorted through the tightly shut door between Rocky, Moon Bin, and the rest of the hospital.

        “Sorry, that’s probably my fault.” It felt like there was a bug dancing across Rocky’s stitches, skin turning a bright pink under his nails. Bin frowned but didn’t say anything, the quiet rain taking up the space of a conversation they both knew should’ve been happening.

        Rocky continued to scratch at the outside edges of his stitches. Bin started scratching his under his jaw again. Rocky felt like he was underwater, unaware of the slight tug and pain of his stitches getting stretched, the world moving in slow motion around his fast beating heart.

        “Have you ever considered confiding in Sanha?” Moon Bin stared at Rocky’s tubes and machines emptily, shifting to scratch the back of his neck rather than under his jaw. “I know for some reason you feel like you can't come to be," pain flashed behind Bin's eyes and he shut them briefly, before opening them and returning to a bright smile, "and even though I'm always here for you, I also get that you might be more comfortable talking to him. Sanha may just be a kid, but he’s a good listener and really cares about you. You could even consider telling him how you feel about him.” He added quietly, and Rocky shut his eyes.

        “You know I couldn’t, and definitely shouldn’t, do that.” Rocky extended one of his hands as far as it could reach, wincing when it tugged on the edges of his stitches far enough that his skin shifted and pulled apart slightly. A few small drops of blood slipped from the sewn cut but both Rocky and Bin ignored. “He is still a kid. He doesn’t need to hear about all the shit going on in my head. None of you do.” Moon Bin hummed and nodded, leaning back in the hard and uncomfortable hospital chairs.

        “You seem to forget you’re still a kid too.” Rocky laughed harshly, smearing the little bit of blood across his wrist.

        “Trust me. I’m not a kid anymore. I never was.” Bin made a small noise but Rocky just laughed again, tilting his head back against the wall hard enough that a dull thump echoed around the room. “I was only ever a talented dancer who didn’t give up.”

        “You may be right, but you’re also wrong.” Bin hummed, shaking his head. “You were finally starting to act your age again when you met Sanha. He’s not nearly that naive and you know that. He knew what was going on and was willing to stick it out with you, which was exactly what you needed. Just because you couldn’t have a childhood then doesn’t mean you can’t have a childhood now.” Bin paused and Rocky said nothing. Rocky’s heart was pounding in his throat and a bone-chilling cold had seeped into his bloodstream.

        “It doesn’t seem like you’ve grasped the fact that I’ve given up.” Rocky snapped, world blurring around him. Bin’s faced shifted in and out of focus and Rocky looked back up to the ceiling, the stark white warping and waving in front of his face as he choked on a lump in his throat.

“This is me giving up.”

        “Nope, sorry.”

        “What?” Rocky paused, kind of confused, kind of irritated.

        “I’m not giving you my permission to do that. I’m still here, fighting for my fucking life, so I think you can too.” Bin shrugged, thumb rubbing the back of his phone case absentmindedly. “It sucks, but you don’t get to stop. Not yet.”

        “You can’t actually tell me what to do?” Rocky was dumbfounded, the world snapping back into focus and lump disappearing from his throat in half of a second. “So stop?” He still could feel the lightheadedness and other bad things waiting at the very back of his mind, but the authority and calmness in Bin’s voice made him hesitate for a moment.

        “I heard from an old friend that you just have to hang on a little bit longer. Things have to get better. And with me here, I can guarantee they will.” Bin grinned, thumb poking into his chest as he pointed at himself, an overly cheesy smile frozen on his face. Rocky snorted, automatically shaking his head in shame.

        “Oh please, you don’t have any old friends other than me, and I feel like I would remember giving you such “great” advice.” Bin gasped, hand flattening against his chest.

        “Wow, rude.” Rocky quietly laughed humorlessly and nodded, small smile twitching at his lips. Bin huffed and flicked Rocky’s shin through the thin and scratchy hospital blanket. Rocky responded by kicking his leg up, only able to get it a couple inches off the bed due to his foot getting caught in the same small blanket.

        “But back to my original purpose. I think it’d be good for you to talk to Sanha.” Bin leaned forward and Rocky leaned back, face falling into an irritated frown. “It’d really make him happy. Plus, there’s no point in trying to hide any of it from us since you’re already going to have to go to counseling.” Bin shrugged again and Rocky’s frown deepened.

        “Could you _not_ bring that up right now?” Rocky growled, hands tightening into fists. “I’m still unbelievably pissed about that and I don’t think you’re even supposed to know about it. I’m not a baby, I don’t need some faux authority figure to write off on my mental health.”

        “It seems like you’re _still_ forgetting that you pretty much are a kid and most adults _are_ an actual authority figure.” Rocky glared, jaw flexing. In defense Moon Bin rose his hands, leaning back slightly. “Look Hyukie, I’m just saying, you’ve only been alive for 19 years and you’ve gone through things that no human being should ever have to go through. It’s so clear that you’re in love with him, why are you torturing yourself even more?” Rocky shifted, agitated but no longer furious.

        “He doesn’t deserve that. What kind of person would I be if I did confess to him now? He would most likely end up saying yes out of pity and then be stuck in an unhappy relationship.” Rocky huffed and Moon Bin frowned, leaning forward to poke angrily at Rocky’s side.

        “You think _way_ too lowly of yourself.” Moon Bin paused. “And Sanha. He’s as much naive as he is an idiot. The only thing you don’t like about him is the fact that he’s in love with you.” Rocky scoffed, but Moon Bin held up a hand to shush him. “I’m overriding your opinion, because no matter what you’re about to say you’re wrong. You’re so convinced that everything you touch will break, but you haven’t even noticed how much you mean to Sanha. This constant pushing away of your feelings is what’s doing the most damage to him.”

        “Yeah but imagine someone like him, someone so happy, so positive... someone so Sanha-like, dating someone like me.” Rocky scoffed, motioning to his prone form.

        “Imagine how happy Sanha would be in a relationship with the person he loves.” Bin shrugged, eyebrows raising innocently. Rocky sat quietly while Moon Bin nodded with a knowing smile. “Who cares what anybody else thinks? I want you happy, you want Sanha happy, and Sanha wants to be with you, which would make both of you happy. So tell me,

What’s stopping you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... I'm actually pretty okay with this chapter. It makes me happy. Idk why. Anyways, chapters will probably start slowing down to once every other week with in the next week or two. School's starting again (rip me and my gpa) and I've recently discovered that my wisdom teeth have started growing in which really sucks cause I know for a fact I can't afford the surgery to have them removed and it hurts to literally just breath in through my mouth. I'm also potentially allergic to dogs which is like??? no thanks??? nothing on this planet could get me to stay away from any type of animal, so I guess I'll need to learn either how to stop breathing or stop being allergic.  
>  Y'all are still my FAVORITE people on this planet, I cannot contain my excitement for the new Astro comeback, and I hope you enjoyed the chapter!  
> <3 Absey (Sorry for such a crappy note at the end. It has nothing to do with the actual story, oops!)


	26. Trapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Growth is never fun, or comfortable. Rocky begins the healing process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? A miracle? An upload? Maybe, maybe not. But I'm back! For the week at least... This is a really long chap cause I couldn't figure out a good way to split it. The song I rec is Samuel Barber - Adagio for Strings op. 11  
> Enjoy and stay safe!!

        “Would you rather I call you Rocky, or Minhyuk?” The office felt stuffy and crowded, a multitude of stuffed animals and toys trying to hide the obviously stiff personality of the man in a starchy suit in front of Rocky.

        “I don't really care, pick whichever you prefer.” Rocky shrugged, uninterested. He shifted on the leather couch and it squeaked miserably, rock hard stuffing digging into his back and forcing him into an uncomfortable upright position. There were no clocks in the office and Jin Jin had taken Rocky’s phone before he entered the office, so Rocky was doing his best to entertain himself by tapping his fingers on his legs in new patterns until he got to leave.

        “This meeting is supposed to be learning how best to help you, but if it makes you happy, I think I would prefer calling you Minhyuk.” The doctor nodded and a tight smile stretched across his face. “It suits you better.” If Rocky hadn’t been stuck in an office with him, he might have actually considered the guy in front of him normal. He had a pretty boring haircut that hung limply over his forehead, his face was fairly nondescript, nothing really standing out about his looks or his demeanor. The only thing even remotely interesting about his was his yellow and orange checkered pocket square folded into an interesting pattern in the front pocket of his dull grey suit.

        “Sounds good. Would you mind telling me how long this meeting is going to be? I have some things I need to get done today, considering this _is_ my first day out of the hospital.” Rocky tried to stay polite, but bitterness crept into his words as he stared at one of the many academic plaques hanging neatly on the wall. His wrists hadn’t fully healed yet, but they were carefully bandaged and tucked underneath a long jacket to keep prying eyes away.

        “Well, this first meeting doesn’t quite have a set time yet. Really all we’re doing is talking for a bit, getting to know each other and seeing what our options are. I also need to go over family history for a quick minute, but that shouldn’t take to long.” The doctor winked and Rocky smiled, hoping it didn’t look as patronizing as he felt.

        “And what if I don’t? What if I want to go home instead?” The doctor nodded slowly and crossed one leg over the other, a thoughtful look crossing his face.

        “I’m not trapping you here, so I suppose if you wanted to you could leave right now,” Rocky started to stand, grin spreading across his face, “but if you did, you would probably never be allowed back into Fantagio or Astro again. You would also probably be forced to visit a new doctor once you’re home. It is your choice though, so do as you please.” Rocky dropped back onto the couch with a glare, anger coursing hot through his bloodstream.

        “That sounds an awful lot like I’m trapped here. Dick.” He said, angrily whispering the last word, causing the doctor to laugh, arms raising as he shrugged.

        “I only said _I_ wasn’t trapping you here. And if we’re going to be seeing more of each other I prefer to go by Doctor Kim, or if it would make you more comfortable, Myungsu.”

        “How about Jeoseung Saja? That seems like a _very_ fitting name.” Rocky hissed under his breath. Unfortunately the doctor heard him and rose an eyebrow.

        “If you keep fighting me like this we’ll never be able to get anything done.” Rocky rolled his eyes. “I hope you’ll soon realise that I’m only here to help you.”

        “I believe you’re here for the fat check my parents are putting in your pocket, not for me.” Rocky knew he was being difficult, but he couldn’t see how sitting in a room with this boring 40 year old lump of flesh would help him feel any better. Impressively, the doctor showed no signs of frustration, still seated in a comfortable lounge with his legs crossed and a small smile on his waxy face.

        “You may not believe me yet, but give it time.” Rocky didn’t respond and the doctor leaned forward, eyes brightening for a second. “Tell you what, if you honestly answer my questions for the next,” he looked down at his obnoxiously shiny watch before looking back up to Rocky, “25 minutes, then we’ll be done for today. How does that sound?” Rocky paused, weighing his options back and forth before eventually succumbing to the thought of leaving.  

        “Only 25 minutes?” The doctor nodded eagerly and Rocky sighed. “Fine. Whatever. It’s not like I have a choice anyway.” Rocky waved his hand around aimlessly in front of him before settling back into the couch. “Go ahead doc, ask away.”

        “Do you have an interest in folklore?” Myungsu tapped his pen against his leg and Rocky shrugged, face scrunching up in confusion.

        “What does that have to do with me getting back to work?”

        “It doesn’t. So do you? I remember all the stories my parents would tell me as a little kid, but most people I meet at your age could care less about them.”

        Rocky thought back to when he was little. During the days when he would dance for more hours than his body could take, the days his mom would find him at a break, pull him into her lap and tell him story after story. She always sat on the hard floor of the dance room and would hold him close to her heart, whispering the stories into his hair. Of course, that always ended with him getting shuffled out of her arms and back onto the floor to keep working, but the moment and lingering heat of his mother would often come back and haunt Rocky's dreams, especially during his first weeks after debuting when he was separated from her.

        “I don’t have many good memories to look back on, hearing those stories is one of them. Can we move on?” Myungsu nodded, face drooping into a sad smile for just a second, before quickly lifting back into a perfected mask of a smile.

        “Is there any history of depression in your family?”

        “I don’t know.”

        “Do you know if you’re parents have ever been depressed?”

        “I just said I don’t know.”

        “What about your little brother? He’s at difficult age isn’t he? Just starting the high school experience?”

        “What _the fuck_ do you think you know about him? Of course he isn’t depressed.” Rocky hissed.

        “Minhyuk, you have to understand it can be shocking to hear that your older brother is in the hospital due to cutting himself, so I need you to take a moment and seriously think it over.”

        Rocky rolled his eyes, getting up. “I’m done. I’m leaving and I hope to never see your miserable face again, you sad excuse of a doctor.” He could hear the doctor saying things behind him, probably calming sentences with that stupid smile on his face, but all Rocky was interested in was getting out of the stupid office and getting as far away from the stupid building as possible.

        He slammed the door behind him and stormed away. Tears were swimming in his vision, but he stubbornly tightened his fists and stormed down the hallway, exploding into the waiting room where MJ and Jin Jin were sitting quietly, Jin Jin talking on the phone in low tones. They both looked up in alarm, before glancing to the clock hanging on the wall. When they registered how early it was they both looked back to Rocky, this time more questioning than concerned.

        “We’re leaving. I’m done.” Rocky heaved, bracing himself for the torrent of questions he knew was going to come. Jin Jin glanced down at the clipboard of paperwork he was filling out, glanced at Rocky’s burning face, muttered something into his phone, hung up, then stood up, arms out invitingly.

        “Let’s pause for a minute, c’mere.” Jin Jin walked slowly forward and Rocky slowly let himself be engulfed in a warm hug from Jin Jin. Jin Jin rubbed his back slowly and Rocky held on tightly to Jin Jin’s shirt, still doing his best to calm down. “What happened? Did he say something in particular?”

        “I wanna go home.” Rocky whispered, voice wavering. Jin Jin frowned and looked back to MJ, clipboard forgotten on one of the pasty grey vinyl chairs by the receptionist's desk.

        “At least come with me and let me wash your face, your look like crap.” MJ said gently, pulling Rocky under his arm. Rocky rubbed at his cheeks with a frown, cheeks turning pink under the force of his scrubbing, making both MJ and Jin Jin giggle.

        “Fine, but only if we get to go home afterwards.” MJ hummed noncommittally and started pulling Rocky in the direction of the public bathroom. When they almost rounded the corner, he turned back to Jin Jin and mouthed “finish the paperwork”.

        In the dimly lit bathroom, MJ hopped up on the counter and watched carefully as Rocky splashed water over his face.

        “So what got you so worked up? I thought he was supposed to be something like a professional smooth-talker?” MJ leaned back into the mirror and Rocky grimaced, grabbing a paper towel to dab at his face.

        “That douche was the exact _opposite_ of a smooth-talker. He was a jerk.”

        “Maybe,” MJ shrugged, causing the mirror to shake and rattle against the wall, “but something he said really got under you skin. I wanna know why before we have to go and either find a new psychiatrist who will take you or say goodbye.”

        “I don’t really know-”

        “Liar.”

        Rocky sighed, exasperated. MJ shrugged innocently and motioned Rocky closer, shifting a piece of hair back into place on Rocky’s forehead.

        “Fine. He was asking me about my family history of depression and whatnot.” Rocky huffed.

        “And?”

        “ _And_ , I guess he asked about my little brother being depressed. I dunno, something about that just made me mad.” Rocky shut his eyes, letting MJ continue to put pieces of his hair back into place on his head.

        “Is that you actually being mad at Doctor Kim, or being afraid that one day your little brother may feel like you do, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it?” Shivers slid down Rocky’s spine, infuriatingly proving MJ correct. When Rocky only responded by shutting his eyes tighter, MJ smiled sadly.

        “How do I protect him from himself, especially when I’m so far away?”

        “You do your very best to do what he needs.” MJ said, putting his hands on Rocky’s cheeks. “And to be the very best for him, you also need to be _your_ very best.”

        “But what if _I’m_ a part of the reason he could be depressed?” Rocky whispered and MJ jerked back slightly, hands tightening in Rocky’s hair.

        “Listen to me. _You_ have nothing to do with anybody else’s depression. It’s not something that’s contagious, or that can be learned from someone else. Depression is when you are _sick_ and need help. If he does happen to get depression, all you need to worry about is being there for him as often as you can, and listening to what he needs from you.” Rocky opened his eyes slightly and stared into MJ’s face. For someone whose personality and emotions were always all over the place, MJ was able to speak with an absolute surety, prompting anyone to believe what he said. “Did Doctor Kim tell you that it was your fault if your brother got depressed?”

        “Not really, he just asked about it. I guess.” Rocky eventually muttered and MJ nodded, satisfied.

        “If it means that much to you, use him as a reason to stay alive. Use him as motivation to get through one more day.” Rocky nodded once more and MJ ruffled Rocky’s hair with a smile. “Now, are you sure there’s no way you can finish this session with Doctor Kim?” Rocky sighed, but eventually nodded.

        “I can try.” MJ nodded and pulled Rocky forward, pressing a short kiss to his forehead.

        Together they walked back into the waiting room and Jin Jin anxiously looked up. Doctor Kim had joined him in the waiting room and was watching Jin Jin from the other side of the room with a curious gaze. Jin Jin scrambled towards the pair, and farther away from Doctor Kim, absentmindedly ruffling Rocky’s hair.

        “So what’s the plan? You ready to try again? If you want one, or both, of us could join you?” Rocky sighed, glancing back to Doctor Kim.

        “It’s okay, I’ll try one more time alone. You guys can stay here.”

        “You’re going to apologize to Doctor Kim, right?” Rocky rolled his eyes but nodded.

        The walk over to Doctor Kim felt infinite and awkward, and Rocky hated every second of his stupidly patient smile, staying seated in one of the waiting room chairs until Rocky was right in front of him.

        “Sorry for being rude, would you mind if I continued the session? I promise I won’t say anything else rude.” Rocky said, bowing low. Doctor Kim laughed and stood up, gently patting Rocky’s shoulder.

        “I understand that I went too far, so I also apologize. But you have to understand,” Doctor Kim looked at Rocky sternly, “my job here isn’t to protect your feelings, it’s to listen as you talk to me and to help you sort out and understand your feelings, as well as finding a way to manage and keep you safe from yourself, so sometimes I will have to ask uncomfortable questions that you _need_ to answer honestly. In return you can ask me whatever questions you have and I’ll do my best to answer honestly.” Rocky frowned but he could see the logic in Doctor Kim’s words. Even though mentally Rocky could see the logic and understand it was there, it didn’t make him feel much better, so he nodded and pushed it to the back of his mind. “How about we go back to my office and try one more time? Does that sound okay?”

        “Whatever you say, doc.” Rocky shrugged, but Doctor Kim nodded and grinned, climbing out of his chair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually pretty proud of myself for coming up with Myungsu's name.   
> Soo... this may come as a shock, but I ain't a doctor (psychologist). I don't know doctor (or psychologist) stuff. This is all complete bull. (Or "fiction", if that sounds better.) But ay! Guess what!? We're on the downhill ride to the ending now. (The end is still many, many chapters away.)  
> And, quick heartfelt moment, I've really been struggling to upload and keep writing. Being able to look back at all of your amazing comments has really helped keep me going with this story, so I wanted to thank you for your amazing support. It means so much more than you know.  
> Gross. Get that nastiness away from me.  
> But guess what. It's gonna be All Light. I'm so pumped, I've pre-ordered my album (my wallet hates me) and I'm ready to be back in action!  
> <3 Absey


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rocky tries one more time to get along with Dr. Kim Myungsu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a pretty long chapter. Sorry, no song suggestion this week. Pick your favorite sad/dramatic song and it'll probably fit perfectly!  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        When they were settled back in his office, Doctor Kim said nothing, watching as Rocky shifted around on the couch. When Rocky finally stopped wiggling and looked back to him Doctor Kim looked away, a nostalgic look on his face. 

        “Why don’t we start with you telling me about why you’re here. It’s clear you’re not comfortable with therapy, and going straight to a psychiatrist is a big step.”

        “I don’t want to leave Astro. It wouldn’t be fair to them.” Doctor Kim smiled, eyes crinkling from many laugh lines.

        “I can see that they are also very attached to you, so it’s good you feel the same way. Why don’t you tell me about Astro. Who are each of the boys, really?” 

        “They’re all pretty much idiots. The loudest people I’ve ever met.” Rocky laughed and Doctor Kim laughed as well, jotting short notes on a clipboard before turning back to Rocky. “I met Bin first. We  _ hated _ each other. We were just too competitive to get along.” The soft light of the office made the entire room seem more homey, just for a second. The room emanated with the stories of all the worn stuffed animals, and Doctor Kim was no more than a journal, listening to the worst of the worst before turning it into something beautiful. And so, Rocky talked. He told story after story about each of the boys, each of his favorite memories, the worst fights he’d gotten in, the dumbest fights they’d had. He talked about how hard it was to pretend that they loved each other on stage when they were in the middle of a big fight, he talked about the magical feeling of being on stage, he talked about the late night conversations, the early mornings, how  _ hard _ everything was at times, Rocky talked about how much it hurt leaving the fans behind as they walked off stage, lights dimming long before the cheering did. 

        Throughout the hour Doctor Kim listened, laughed, and took notes on everything Rocky said. Multiple times Rocky stopped, checking to make sure that Doctor Kim wouldn’t tell anybody else about what they were talking about. Each time Doctor Kim would calmly explain the laws about patient confidentiality.

        As much as Rocky hated it, he and Doctor Kim clicked pretty easily. Something about Doctor Kim made Rocky feel okay to talk to, as long as he made sure to censor himself.

        “You seem to have a very close bond with the boys, yet you don’t rely on them. Why?” Rocky shrugged, leaning back into the couch which was slowly melding into his body shape.

        “That’s not something that’s allowed in idol life. Everybody is always working so hard, it’s rude to force your problems on them.”

        “Have you ever considered writing down your stories and your feelings? Journals can be a very good release for pent up emotions, and can help you sort through problems without having to rely on anybody else.” Doctor Kim winked and tapped at one of his journals that was sitting on his desk behind him. “They are also helpful when you get old and don’t remember things very well.”

        “I don’t have time to write in a journal. Plus, I wouldn’t even know what to write.” 

        “You need time to yourself. With such a hectic lifestyle you’re compartmentalizing yourself, which is contributing to the depression and anxiety.” Rocky shifted on the couch and looked at the floor, a dull brown colored carpet peeking out from under all the furniture. 

        “I have time to myself. When I get to choreograph. Besides, how would you even know if I have anxiety or depression? So what if I use pain to motivate myself? Lots of people do it.” Rocky shrugged, hands twisting together with his thumbs itching towards his wrists. Doctor Kim frowned, tapping the end of his pen against his leg in a random pattern.

        “When you work in this field for long enough, you can start to feel the sadness around kids. It becomes a tangible web around them that you feel when you look in their eyes.” Rocky looked away and tried not to roll his eyes, nerves creeping back into his body when he started realising how much time had passed sitting in the cramped office. “Minhyuk, look at me. Take a moment and think about how you feel. Do you honestly think you’re okay? If you have times when you think physically mutilating yourself is the best option, something isn’t right and I think you know that. You’ve been to the hospital three times in the last 6 months, when you should be a healthy teenage boy. Do you remember what it felt like when you first would choreograph and dance to songs? Does it still feel the same way?” Doctor Kim waited, saying nothing as Rocky tugged the sleeves of his jacket down lower, eyes darting anxiously around the room. Shame burned in Rocky’s body and he anxiously started pressing his nails into his palms, knuckles turning white.

        “I don’t know. I don’t know what normal is supposed to feel like. I would say I feel fine, but apparently every other person on the planet also gets a say on my health, so…?”

        “See, that right there,” Doctor Kim gestured to Rocky’s white knuckles, “is your body telling me something different than what your words are telling me. Minhyuk, you don’t have to lie or hide anything from me. If you’re pissed off, tell me. If you think I’m asking a dumb question, tell me. You can tell me whatever it is you're thinking, I just ask that you don’t do it angrily.” He paused, pushing his feathery bangs back into position on his forehead. “So, one more time, does choreographing feel as fun as it did one year ago?”

        “I-,” Rocky sucked in a breath, making a conscious effort to uncurl his hands and press his palms into his thighs instead, “no. It’s nowhere near as fun. I feel so pressured. There are so many people waiting and watching as I try to work, it feels suffocating. The more recognition I get for my dancing the more people find Astro, but the worse it feels. Dancing feels like such a chore again, and I  _ hate it. _ ” Rocky hissed, jaw clenching. Doctor Kim nodded patiently, another sad smile drooping his face.

        “It’s okay to feel that way. It  _ is _ hard, and you’re still working hard, which is much more than some people. But you need to recognize that dancing is no longer your break. It is another responsibility. But I’m proud of you Minhyuk.” Rocky looked up, face scrunching in confusion. “You have good instincts, and it feels like you’re still willing to work with me, despite the rough start.” Doctor Kim winked and Rocky smiled apologetically, bowing once more from his seat. Doctor Kim laughed and shrugged it off, leaning forward to adjust his position in his chair. When Rocky jerked back Doctor Kim immediately shifted backwards and nodded in apology. “I want to start giving you some alternatives to cutting yourself. I know it’s hard, but you  _ need _ to start moving away from that as a coping method. This week, I want you to try two things for me. I’m going to give you this journal,” Doctor Kim grabbed a deep blue journal from behind him and patted it gently, “and I want you to do one entry a day. It has questions for you to answer in it so you don’t have to worry about what to write. The other thing I want you to try is trying to build a routine for when you start to feel overwhelmed and stressed. Start off with ten deep breaths. If that doesn’t help you calm down, go into a room where there’s another person. You don’t have to say anything to them, just pull out your phone and start playing a game or something. Sit with that person until the urges pass. If that still doesn’t work and you still don’t feel better try holding an ice cube in your hand as tight as you can until it melts. Can you do that for me this week?” Rocky swallowed and nodded, hands starting to fidget against his legs.

        “Sure, I guess. I’ll probably forget, but I’ll try if it gets me out of here and back to work faster.” 

        “I’ve got it all written down here, and I’ll get a copy scanned and printed for you out by the receptionist. I really hope that you give this your all, Minhyuk. I can see you’re eager to go back to work, but I want you to go back to work when you’re ready and not when you’re going to use it as another attempt at coping with the stress. The only way you can deal with stress is facing it head on.” Doctor Kim sagely nodded his head and Rocky shrugged, giggling into his hand slightly.

        “Are you a fortune cookie or something?”

        “I’m a fortune doctor, here to help!” Doctor Kim tapped his forehead in a mock salute making Rocky giggle even more. “Now, we’d get this all sorted out with Jinwoo and your manager, but Jinwoo seemed a little uncomfortable around me and your manager wasn’t in the office, so I guess it’s just you and me. Would you rather do one hour long session once a week or two forty minute sessions a week?”

        “Once a week.” Rocky said with no hesitation and Doctor Kim rose an eyebrow before making a note on his paper.

        “Sounds good, same time today?” Rocky nodded and Doctor Kim wrote a little more. “Now, before we’re finished, do you have anything else you feel like you need to tell me? About you or your friends? Remember, I can’t tell anybody else anything you tell me, unless you’re at personal risk due to another person.” The look on Doctor Kim’s face became much more serious and Rocky gnawed on his lip, doing his best to not look at him.

        “No, I don’t think there is anything important you need to know.”

        “Alright, let’s go talk to my wonderful receptionist.”

        Rocky awkwardly followed Doctor Kim out to the lobby, stopping in surprise when he saw Jitae leaning up against the door frame, tapping the van keys on his leg. MJ and Jin Jin had traded seats, placing MJ directly between Jin Jin and Jitae’s angry stare, but Rocky still instinctively moved closer to the two boys, blocking Jin Jin’s view from Jitae. Jin Jin smiled up at Rocky, hair unkempt from his tugging and pulling at it. Doctor Kim handed the receptionist a small piece of paper before walking over to Rocky, Jin Jin, and MJ.

        “Minhyuk did great today, and I appreciate you two coming with him.” Jin Jin nodded slightly, but MJ shrugged and assured that it was no problem. 

        “I just want to check and make sure that the next appointment will only be an  _ hour _ , right? This hour and a half sort of throws off all of the boys' schedule, which I’m sure you can understand, right Doctor?” Jitae cut in, face morphing into a fake smile, yellowed teeth on display. Doctor Kim turned towards Jitae slightly, barely bowing his head in greeting.

        “I do my best, but I hope you understand that I’m working with actual people, and they all need different things. Minhyuk needed a little more time to get comfortable with me, which is completely acceptable.” Doctor Kim’s lips slightly twitched, barely resembling a smile. When Jin Jin sighed quietly to himself Doctor Kim glanced back curiously, scanning over the three boys. With one last look back to Rocky, who had started nervously itching at his bandages, Doctor Kim shifted forwards, right in between Jitae and the boys.

        “Of course! I appreciate all you’re doing, I just have five other boys that need just as much attention as our Rocky over there.” Jitae leaned around Doctor Kim to smile patronizingly at Rocky. Doctor Kim nodded once curtly before checking in with the receptionist on her printing job. 

        She called Rocky over and pointed out a couple things on the paper before handing it over, along with a little card that had the office’s number and Doctor Kim’s work phone number. Without hesitating she offered a small sheet of stickers, asking which one he wanted on the cover of his brand new journal. Rocky looked over the array of stickers, ranging from little space ships to smiling flowers to cartoon cats and dogs and everything else imaginable. Jitae caught sight of the sparkly sheets and frowned, stepping past Doctor Kim and towards Rocky.

        “My Rocky is nearly a full grown adult, he doesn’t need a  _ silly sticker _ after every visit, does he?” Jitae’s heavy hand falling on Rocky’s shoulder. Instantly, Rocky denied the stickers with a polite smile and grabbed the paperwork, tucking it into his chest. “Tell me, Myungsu, right? Do you treat all of your patients like  _ babies _ ?” Jitae laughed raucously, whole body shaking with his loud laughs. Nervously Rocky joined in, Jitae’s grip tightening on his shoulder as he laughed, quiet and awkward. 

        Doctor Kim’s whole demeanor shifted, his face dropping into a complete glare as he stared at Jitae. 

        “Minhyuk, could you come here a minute? I want to point out one more thing on your sheet before you leave.” Rocky nodded, scrambling out of Jitae’s grip. Everybody stared as Doctor Kim pulled out a pen and scribbled something on the back of the card Rocky had gotten from the receptionist. When he finished he put away his pen with a bright smile, turned to Jitae and bowed once more, fully bending his waist into a nearly 90 degree bow. “I actually go by _Doctor_ _Kim._ Thank you for letting Jinwoo and MJ bring Minhyuk to me.” Jitae scowled, mouth opening to respond. Before he could start to say anything Doctor Kim walked past him, down the hall, and into his office. 

        Jitae stormed out of the office and to the car, the three boys following anxiously. 

        “Rocky, I don’t want you to go see him anymore. He  _ clearly  _ has no respect for you or the idol business.” Jitae growled, hopping into the front seat of the van and pulling out a cigarette. Jin Jin motioned Rocky to the back of the van and shook his head, small smile on his face.

        “With all respect, sir, we can’t change Rocky’s psychiatrist now or his contract will be terminated.” Jin Jin added softly. “Astro will lose a lot of fans if they find out that Rocky was kicked out of the company for no reason.”

        “Are you speaking back to me?” Jitae spun to face Jin Jin, releasing a thick cloud of cigarette smoke into the car. MJ leaned forward, mouth open, but Jin Jin grabbed MJ’s arm and bowed from his seat.

        “Of course not, sir. I’m merely stating the truth. Let Rocky complete his therapy and in the meantime I’ll work hard to make sure everything stays okay.” Jin Jin's jaw was tight, but Jitae only huffed and spun back to the front, mumbling a bunch of nonsense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... I guess I could apologize again? My beardie died very recently and it makes it hard to write.   
> Thanks for your time,  
> <3 Absey


	28. Wonder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The week between Rocky's first and second therapy session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's on time! Wacky! This week the song I recommend is Echosmith's Dear World. I would recommend this song outside of the fic too, it's SO good.  
> This chapter is a little more introspective than others, but introspection is always good.  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        At home Rocky inspected the journal and card he had been given, surprised to find a web address and phone number scribbled on the back of the card. Above the phone number it said “my personal cell, call anytime”, but the space above the URL was blank. Curiously, Rocky typed it into his phone. When it popped up to a website all about child abuse Rocky quickly locked his phone, checking the area to make sure nobody could see his phone or what he was looking at.

        Once he was sure the coast was clear and he was completely alone, he hesitantly unlocked his phone. The website was a dull grey, the top of it filled with tabs titled; how to know what abuse is, how to get away from your abuser, hotline to call for help, online messenger for support, and stories of survivors.

        Rocky wondered why Doctor Kim felt it was necessary to give him this website. He didn’t think he had given away anything during their session, and he didn’t think it was too weird for an idol manager to be a bit of a dick, because of how frequently they turned out to be jerks. Doctor Kim worked specifically with idols and children, so he should know that by now, right? All that aside, was Rocky even being abused? Sure Jitae treated him badly, but nothing that bad had ever happened and Jitae did a lot of good for the group. Most of the time Jitae had a reason for what he was doing, and he hadn’t even been coming near Rocky that much recently, so Rocky shrugged it off, closed his the page and went to join the other boys.

        It would do more harm than good to say Jitae was doing something wrong.

 

        The next week was tough. Jin Jin was more snippy than usual, which really set the rest of the boys on edge. Rocky did his best to write in his journal every day, but he struggled more with his other assignment. At times he did good and was able to move away from his hidden blades, but that usually only lasted him a few hours at most.

        The other boys had quickly picked up on what he was doing each time he came and joined one of them. He was more fidgety than usual and often picking or scratching at something. His shifty behavior was often accompanied by very little verbal communication, if any. They had begun accommodating his irritable behavior, talking to him when he came to them. Usually they never had anything important to say, holding a simple conversation by themselves when he didn’t respond.

        Rocky found himself near Sanha the most. Sanha was the quietest and most understanding of what Rocky wanted without Rocky needing to tell him. He would ask if Rocky wanted to come sit by him, if he wanted to watch a video together, and would happily accept any answer Rocky gave him. He always rambled on about how happy he was when Rocky would come and sit by him, calmly allowing Rocky to desperately bury his face into Sanha’s side or back in an attempt to get his mind off of how good it would feel to hold his blade again and how much it hurt to have to sit and think.

         About half way through the week Rocky had begun to accept that it was for his own good to stop cutting and to really work through his depression, not just for him but for his family and friends.

        Knowing that didn’t make anything easier. As the days passed his journal entries got angrier and angrier, frustration building with no release. Rocky had started counting down the days that he got to go back to Doctor Kim and ask for him to sign the release form on his medical delays so he could dive into work again.

 

        It was clear to Rocky that he was making improvement, simply by how quickly things started moving again. The other boys had started working towards preparation for a new comeback. Whether that meant more time studying music, doing vocal warm-ups and strengthening exercises, or spending more time in the gym, there was a buzz in the air that hadn't been there since before Rocky collapsed on stage. That buzz was addicting and exciting but came with its own challenges. Nearly every single day for the week, everybody quieted down and scattered, focusing on their own improvements.

        Those days were the hardest for Rocky. He still had a maximum time he was allowed to spend at the gym and training building, so he would be home alone for hours, pacing the dorm desperately.

        Those were often the days that Rocky would find himself alone and shaking with blood dripping into the sink. After nearly a week of no cutting, Rocky was surprised at how bad it hurt, especially when he was trying to avoid the huge healing cuts up his arms.

        When that happened he would consider moving to his legs, but stopped every time he pictured Jin Jin’s legs. He stopped every time he pictured Jin Jin’s nonchalant voice and pained smile when he talked about it. He stopped every time he pictured the way Jin Jin would pale slightly every time Jitae walked into the room. His stomach would turn and flop, causing him to turn and be sick into the toilet. His legs stayed untouched.

        When that happened Rocky’s mind would drift back to that website. That dull grey site, much like Doctor Kim’s dull grey suit. Was Rocky supposed to know what abuse looked like? He always pictured a big, strong, drunk man hitting and punching a defenseless girl. He always pictured blood and bruises, screaming fights thick with alcohol.

        Jitae didn’t seem like that. Jitae had seemed nice at first, helping the boys cheat on their diets, sneaking them snacks during photo shoots, being more than willing to give them time to call and talk to their families late at night after practice. The changes had been slight at first. Jitae would snap at one of the boys in private, would take their food when they weren’t supposed to be eating, and sometimes schedule the boys for longer than they were supposed to be out. It all was annoying, but didn’t seem out of line. He often would apologize, and there were still moments when he was in a good mood and would be like the Jitae they first met. Sure, the boys came to resent Jitae, but he didn’t actually abuse them, did he?

        Rocky would try to think about something else. Anything else. It always came back to Jin Jin’s scars. It always came back to MJ’s late nights at the gym. Eunwoo’s chronic over scheduling. Bin's overly strict diets and harsh criticism. The unfair neglect of Sanha and his talents.

        Therapy was supposed to fix Rocky, so why did it make everything so much more complicated and confusing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope everybody reading this is okay, and while it may not seem like it yet, this story is a goal to show how helpful good therapy can be- even though it's hard. Just those free online chats (with the right people) can be so helpful. It doesn't matter if you think you have any type of mental illness or not, give it a try, see if it makes you feel better!  
> Thanks for being my favorite people  
> <3 Absey


	29. Signs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rocky and Jitae's second meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song recommendation for this week is Long, Long Ago - Javier Navarrete  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        “Good to see you again, Minhyuk. How are you feeling?” Doctor Kim’s suit looked to be the same shade of grey, this time with a purple pocket square that had bright pink circles. 

        “Fine. I guess. I brought my journal, do you want to read it?” Rocky lifted the blue book slightly. It looked almost the same as it did a week ago, only a few of the pages slightly bent at the corner. 

        “I don’t think I need to. It’s your journal, for your thoughts. I just want to hear if it did or didn’t help.” Doctor Kim paused, hesitating. “As long as you haven’t been writing down any considerations for another attempt at suicide. If you have, it’s fine, I would just like to read those entries, if that’s alright.” Rocky hesitated, holding the journal closer to his chest.

        “Of course I haven’t written about suicide. I thought all of those tests and questions you asked last week proved I only had “suicidal ideations” or whatever. No need for concern, I’m too lazy to get around to anything deadly.” Rocky snorted, looking down at his wrists. They were still covered by sleeves, but the stitches were gone and the skin was finally starting to heal, turning an angry pink at the edges of the cuts. 

        “I know humor can be a coping method, but it’s important to remember how quickly ideation can become reality. The more you make light of this situation, the more at risk you are of accidentally over doing something again.” Rocky shuffled slightly, looking away from Doctor Kim.

        “Yeah, sure.”

        “Okay, how about we start by you telling me about your week?”

        The session started slowly, but Rocky began to talk, droning on and on about everything that happened in the last week. Each time he brought up a problem or something that bothered him Doctor Kim would ask him to pause, they would take a moment to assess the situation, then Doctor Kim would give him a suggestion on how to better handle moments or feelings like those and ask how he felt about the suggestion.

        Rocky always carefully skimmed over certain details. Times he broke down sobbing, times everything became too much, every time he seriously debated confessing to Sanha all stayed private, trapped with Rocky forever. 

        “Oh yeah, can I ask you a question?” Rocky started, cutting himself off mid-story. Doctor Kim theatrically gestured to his Doctorate degree hanging on the wall.

        “I’m a professional at listening to all types of stories and questions. What do you need to know?”

        “Ok, stupid question, I guess.” Rocky rolled his eyes and Doctor Kim smiled, shrugging. “So,” Rocky took a deep breath, choosing to stare at a stuffed animal over Doctor Kim’s shoulder, rather than looking at his face. It was a tiny lion, orange fur seriously thin and greying, one bead eye missing, a messy mat of yarn creating a mane around the tiny face. Something about it was, sadder, than the others. It seemed much more worn than the other toys. “Why did you give me that card last week? Why that website?” 

        “Ah,” Doctor Kim sighed, setting his clipboard behind him. “First, you need to realise, I’ve been doing this job for a long time. I’ve talked to a lot of kids. A lot of kids who have had  _ horrible _ things done to them,” he closed his eyes, time wearing heavy on his wrinkles, “you begin to notice and see things you didn’t before. You start to read into things that aren’t there. There are many different types of abuse, and each case and story is different, but there start to be similarities, common attitudes and traits. To be perfectly frank, you give off many different personality traits of an abused child.” 

        Rocky started to open his mouth to interrupt. 

        He hadn’t decided whether he was going to defend himself or agree, but Doctor Kim cut him off with a quiet shake of his head. “The older the abuse starts, usually the easier the signs are to catch. Now, obviously this was all just my speculation and I can’t do anything to help unless you tell me about it, but really take a second. Is there  _ anybody _ in your life who has ever repeatedly taken advantage of you or pressured you into doing something uncomfortable? Is there anybody who has ever touched you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable or said something degrading to you in an effort to get something out of you? Has anybody ever hit you? Have any of your friends told you about that happening to them? Take a moment and really think about it.”

_         Yes. _ Now was Rocky’s chance to tell somebody about Jin Jin’s scars, Jin Jin’s tears, Jin Jin’s pain. 

_         No.  _ What would happen if he did? Rocky had promised to Jin Jin he would keep it a secret, and what would happen if he did tell Doctor Kim? Jitae would probably get fired. They would probably get a lot of bad media attention. They would probably lose their one connection to the rest of the idol business, all their current schedules, potential opportunities, potential jobs and recordings. And why? Just because Rocky couldn’t keep his  _ one _ promise to Jin Jin?

        Doctor Kim was still staring at him.

 

        “Uh…” Rocky cleared his throat and licked at his dry lips, “no. I don’t think so. It’s probably just the anxiety… or something.” Rocky’s voice wavered and he smiled, lips pursing together. Doctor Kim nodded once, brown eyes laced with disappointment and mouth curled into a professionally pleasant smile.

        “All right. You ready to move on?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's short. I've never been to therapy, so I don't actually know what it actually looks like. Thankfully, this is all a work of fiction.  
> <3 Absey


	30. Drowning on Dry Land

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sanha and Rocky spending time together. Rocky has concerns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a short upload, but I'm planning on doing two today. Song rec for this chapter is Rabbit Hole - Jake Mirador.   
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        “So are you starting to enjoy talking to Doctor Kim more?” Sanha asked late one night, head resting in Rocky’s lap as they watched a movie. Rocky had started therapy nearly a month and a half ago, which still surprised him. What surprised him even more was the fact that he had started to enjoy it. Rocky had slowly started accepting the fact that being depressed didn’t have to stop him, and he had options on how to cope and live life. It still wasn't easy and sucked big time, but he was learning to appreciate it.

        “Yeah, yeah, it’s not that bad.” Rocky muttered, lips quirking into a smile when Sanha laughed, feet kicking off the edge of the couch.

        “I knew you would like it! It’s really not as bad as it seems.” Rocky laughed, gently patting at Sanha’s frizzy hair.

        “Yeah, Doctor Kim is pretty cool. Even if he dresses like an old man.” Rocky wrinkled his nose in disgust. Sanha quieted down, going cross-eyed as he tried to look at Rocky’s hand on top of his head. 

        “You seem better. Do you feel better?” He whispered quietly. Rocky paused, staring down into Sanha’s eyes. It’d been such a long time since they’d actually had to talk about any of Rocky’s issues, he forgot that Sanha didn’t automatically know how he was feeling. 

        Sanha waited.

        Rocky couldn’t quite get his mouth to work. For some reason the harder he tried to reassure Sanha, the worse he felt and the quieter it got. 

        “So, I hear you’ve started working on lyrics with Jin Jin for the new comeback, how’s that going?” Sanha interrupted Rocky’s awkward silence, sitting up with a small smile. Rocky started to reach out for Sanha, stopping when Sanha scootched even farther away, almost to the other end of the couch.

        “Yeah,” Rocky whispered, “yeah, it’s been fine.” Sanha smiled tightly before turning back to the tv. Rocky tucked his hands between his legs to stop from doing something he might regret in front of Sanha.

        Sanha had been doing things like that for the last week. He’d be totally normal for the longest time, until something completely random would happened and he'd pull away. 

        Rocky knew it had to be something he was doing, but he couldn’t figure it out. Each time Sanha smiled at Rocky the same way he smiled at the camera, Rocky could feel the space between them growing and his hands would instinctively inch down to his wrists. With each question Rocky didn’t know how to answer, the rift grew deeper and deeper between them. Rocky felt like he was drowning, all alone, simply because he couldn’t figure out how to start talking to Sanha. It made no sense. 

        Therapy was all about learning and getting more in touch with emotions, so why were his emotions such an absolute trainwreck?

        It wasn’t like Sanha didn’t still care about him. Sanha always woke up when Rocky woke up, Sanha always sat with Rocky after he broke down, Sanha always helped clean and bandage Rocky’s wrists, Sanha always held Rocky when he couldn’t sleep, Sanha always would fetch things for Rocky and feed Rocky and take such good care of Rocky. Rocky wanted to know how to do the same for Sanha. Rocky wanted to know how to actually have a relationship with Sanha. 

        Rocky wanted to know how to stop hurting Sanha and that thought haunted him. Every single night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally started working a little on the romance plot of it...  
> Hope you all enjoyed  
> <3 Absey


	31. The Most Complicated Emotion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rocky has a long conversation with Doctor Kim about his emotions. Specifically, the feeling of being in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second upload for today! Song rec is Smile - Mikky Ekko  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        “Hey Minhyuk, how’s it going?” Doctor Kim asked, greeting Rocky with a warm smile and a bottle of water. Rocky accepted the water gratefully and flopped onto the old and awful leather couch. It was scuffed, rock-solid, and smelled really weird, but Rocky had grown to love it. 

        “Pretty okay, doc.”

        “Mind if I check for myself?” Rocky frowned, tugging his sleeves even lower. Doctor Kim backed off, hands in the air. “You know I can’t force you. You always have the option to say no.” Doctor Kim had become a steady constant in Rocky’s life. 

        He wasn’t ever mean to Rocky, but he didn’t sugar coat things. He always listened and Rocky could feel it. It was hard not to do what he asked, when every time Rocky  _ did _ do something he asked he ended up better off for it, no matter how difficult the task was.

        “No, it’s fine. I’m still just a little uncomfortable about it.” Rocky sighed, rolling up his sleeves. He held out his bare wrists for Doctor Kim to examine. Doctor Kim never touched Rocky first. He would offer high fives and fist bumps, but he would always wait and make Rocky come to him, so when they did these random checks he did his best to keep his hands away from Rocky’s wrist and out in the open.

        “Your older cuts are starting to look good! I’m glad.” Rocky’s chest puffed in pride and he nodded slightly. “But you also have quite a few new ones.” Doctor Kim hummed, voice a practiced neutral. “What’s been on your mind this last week?”

        “How do you know if,” Rocky rolled his sleeves back down, taking a deep breath, “how do you know if one of your friends hates you?”

        “Why would you think one of your friends hates you?” Doctor Kim asked, eyebrows raising. Rocky told a brief recounting of Sanha’s recent behavior, always explicitly leaving out Sanha’s name and anything that could identify Sanha. 

        Doctor Kim waited after Rocky was done, head propped up on his chin with his eyes shut, nodding slightly. 

        He did that sometimes. At first Rocky thought he was ignoring him, but he quickly learned that was what Doctor Kim did when he was thinking about something really hard. Rocky learned to wait until Doctor Kim was ready to speak again.

        “Is this one of Astro’s boys?” Doctor Kim eventually muttered, eyes flicking open slightly. Rocky paused, hand rubbing at the back of his neck automatically. “I’m going to need a little more info, Minhyuk. Would you mind telling me  _ who _ ? I can’t tell anybody else, so you’re safe no matter what.”

        “Sanha.” Rocky muttered, face buried in his hands. The mere mention of Sanha’s name and Rocky could feel his entire face flush, heat burning under his skin. It was  _ really _ embarrassing. 

        Doctor Kim hummed again. 

        There was something off in the tone of his hum, but Rocky wasn’t about to look up to find out.

        “Sanha, huh. You don’t talk about him too much.” The longer Doctor Kim waited the more antsy Rocky got, desperately needing to know what Doctor Kim was thinking.

        “Why’s that matter? Can’t you just answer my question? Does he hate me or not?” Rocky pouted. Doctor Kim laughed slightly, shaking his head in disbelief.

        “I’m not a magician, Minhyuk. It helps if I know more about who you’re asking about. The more I know, the more I can help. But see,” Doctor Kim paused, and Rocky knew he was about to get an earful, “the thing that I find interesting about this particular scenario is your level of concern about this particular matter. I know for a fact you and Bin have gone through your rough patches, yet you’ve never doubted for a second that he cares for you. You’ve gotten in near fist fights with Jinwoo, yet you’ve never doubted for a second that he cares for you. I’ve never heard an ounce of concern about the other members when you fight, but as soon as a rather in depth routine with Sanha gets changed, you’re concerned that you’ve done something wrong. I’m curious as to why?” The mirthful glint in Doctor Kim’s eyes gave away the fact that he already knew where Rocky’s concern stemmed from, but he wasn’t going to give any advice unless Rocky himself admitted it.

        The fact that Rocky had a crush had always surprised himself. He’d never really had crushes on girls or boys as a kid, so he assumed he never would fall in love, which never really bugged him. He had his friends, which had always been more than enough.

        Then Sanha came along. He was such a weird oxymoron of a person. When they first met he was pretty much the living embodiment of a stick figure, and radiated more awkwardness than Rocky ever thought was possible. 

        Yet despite all that awkwardness, he was always willing to jump into situations. He purposely put himself in situations that made him uncomfortable and pretended that he enjoyed it, which Rocky never understood. 

        Rocky was good at something from a young age, and spent all of his time developing that skill, never needing to branch out. Never wanting to branch out. 

        Their collisions of personalities was weird, loud, and messy. They both had extreme ups and downs, extreme louds and quiets, and when the two didn’t sync it was complete chaos. 

        And yet. Despite all of the obvious struggle and butting of heads, Rocky found himself entranced by Sanha. Everything about Sanha was interesting and new, and Rocky found calm simply watching and listening to the chaos that was Sanha. Every time Rocky assumed he knew everything there was to know about Sanha and he finally knew what to expect, Sanha would pull something new out and surprise Rocky once more.

        “I think it’s because I’m more afraid of what happens if he does hate me.” Rocky eventually said in a small voice.

 

        “Love  _ is _ one of the most powerful emotions in the world.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how therapists work. Sorry!  
> <3 Absey


	32. Momentum of the High

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is this a confession????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooooo!!!! It's a happy chapter! The song rec is By My Side - David Choi.  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        For the next two days Rocky felt like he was stuck in a bubble. He definitely didn’t feel bad, but he had a harder time paying attention to other people. Or really just paying attention to anything in general. It was like he knew he should be listening to what they said, trying to help them out, working to prepare for a full comeback, but instead he spent most of his time trying to pretend that he wasn’t staring at Sanha. It didn't work. He was fully aware he was staring at Sanha, and judging by the weird looks from everybody else in Astro, they also knew that he was constantly staring at Sanha. 

        The helpful advice that Doctor Kim had given him from their last session was simply to ask Sanha about it. Be upfront, put everything out on the table, and be okay with whatever Sanha had to say.

        That being said, it had taken Rocky two days to try and talk to Sanha. It had yet to happen. Rocky was starting to convince himself that he never needed to tell Sanha how he felt and that he could totally pass the last two days off as being sick. Except, every time he tried to get near Sanha to explain the situation his stupid face would start burning and his hands would start sweating, along with the uncomfortable tingling sensation in his stomach. It took mere minutes for Rocky to decide that if this was what love felt like, it was a waste of time and he hoped to never fall in love. 

        Sanha didn't have to be a genius to notice that something was wrong, but Rocky had perfected the art of avoiding him in those two days, so Sanha never had a chance to ask what was going on.

        Except, perfecting the art turned into everybody knowing something was wrong and becoming suspicious enough that some of the other boys had started poking around and asking Rocky about what was going on. Only after a snippy reminder from Jin Jin did the rest of the boys back out and let the two youngest figure out their own issues. (That didn't prevent them from starting a bet about who was going to confront the other first)

 

 

        “Hey! Rocky, can I talk to you for a minute?” Sanha watched as Rocky froze in the kitchen entryway, doing his best imitation of a deer in headlights. After stopping he stumbled slightly, sock-covered feet slipped over each other in an attempt to get back to the doorway.

        “Uh, you know, I actually-” Rocky stammered, licking his lips and managing to backtrack out of the room, “I think Jin Jin needed to talk to me? I should- I should probably go.” Deeper inside of the dorm, nobody made a noise- especially not Jin Jin, who happened to be out of the dorm for the day.

        “Wait! Come back here.” Sanha barked, stepping away from the counter and into the middle of the kitchen. Rocky stepped back even faster and Sanha sighed. “Please? I just want to talk to you for a second.” Rocky hesitated, staying in the doorway. Rocky was hoping, praying even, for anybody else in the dorm to make a noise. He wanted some excuse to get away from Sanha because he was concerned if Sanha asked why he was being so avoidant he would have to explain that he was simply working up the courage to confess to him.

        Sadly, even the outside world went quiet as Sanha stared at him, eyes wide and waiting. Rocky had no choice but to slowly step into the kitchen with Sanha, a wide and weird smile on his face as he tried to pretend that he hadn’t been avoiding one of his best friends for days because he didn’t know how to deal with his own feelings.

        “I hate confrontation. You _know_ I hate confrontation, but do I need to change something? Have I done something to make you uncomfortable?” Sanha looked so concerned, so ready to change, so willing to help Rocky that it hurt. It hurt to know that he was keeping Sanha at arms length for his own mirage of protection.

        “No, no,” Rocky sighed, hands mindlessly rubbing up and down his legs, “Sanha, you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.”

        “Then why are you acting like you hate me? This is different than before, and it doesn’t feel like it has anything to do with therapy, mental illness, or scheduling.” Sanha was whining and pretending he wasn’t, bottom lip just barely sticking out in a pout as he talked. It was incredibly frustrating that Sanha knew Rocky well enough to tell that it wasn't because he was having a down day.

        It was pretty much now or never for Rocky.

        Now was the time to stop pretending, and make one of the biggest emotional steps in his life.

        For the first time ever, Rocky was afraid to hear what Sanha was going to say.

        “Sanha, I need you to realize something…” Rocky started, heart pounding hard enough he was sure his rib cage was rattling with each beat, “The reason I’ve been avoiding you,” it felt like Rocky wasn’t breathing anymore, the world fuzzing at the edges, “is that I’ve fallen in love with you, and I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship.” Rocky laughed pitifully, hiding his face in his hands. “But I’m _really_ in love with you and it's stupid and I'm not supposed to, and I don’t know what to do so I was trying to create a little space to get over it.”

        Sanha made a small noise, a mix of a gasp and laughter, before quickly grabbing Rocky’s shaking hands. Rocky knew he was probably really sweaty and clammy and it was probably really awkward, but Sanha was smiling at him, cheeks rounding into a bright smile, only outshone by the sparkle in his eyes. He could also feel Sanha's hands shaking, both of them constantly shifting between holding the other's hand too tightly and too loosely, which was kind of reassuring. It was clear that Sanha had as much knowledge as Rocky did when it came to acting properly romantic, which was pretty much no knowledge. 

        “ _No way_.” He whispered between soft and breathless giggles, hands tightening around Rocky’s. “Me too!” He squeaked, voice cracking. “I mean, like obviously I like you, and not that I'm agreeing that I like myself, but I’ve been trying really hard to be a good friend, which was sometimes kind of hard cause I’ve kind of had a huge crush on you since forever. I also sorta thought you knew I liked you and you were just trying to nicely decline my feelings. This is so awesome.” Sanha wriggled slightly, and Rocky felt like he was looking back at Sanha when they first met, all noodle-limbs and voice cracks. It was surprising, nostalgic, and really really cute. 

        The longer Sanha continued to monologue, the more relief and excitement flooded through Rocky’s bones, leaving behind a high of adrenaline that he had never experienced from a single person before.

        Even after all of their stupid fights and barbed words, their trip ups and awkward moments, Sanha was still standing in front of him, practically jittering from happiness.

        Using the high of adrenaline to propel himself, Rocky stepped into Sanha for a tight hug, tucking his forehead into Sanha’s collarbone. Sanha responded in an instant, securely wrapping his arms around Rocky and resting his chin on Rocky’s head.

        It felt comfortable. Warm. Familiar.

        But at the same time, Rocky felt justified in the way he pressed a short kiss to Sanha’s neck, relishing when Sanha responded by doing the same to his head. It was different. New. Exciting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy (late) 3 Year Anniversary for Astro and Aroha!!!! It's weird to believe that I've been here for so long, but I'm still so happy being able to watch as they continue to grow as artists.  
> I thought this happy occasion deserved a happy chapter! (Not really, but this so happened to line up perfectly, so I'm taking credit for it)  
> <3 Absey


	33. Just Like Planned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FILLER!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a fluffy, goofy chapter! Just for fun. And to make me feel better. Also, to no one's surprise, it turned out wayyy longer than it was supposed to. Oops. Song rec is Slow Love - Michael Alvarado  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        “I mean, he did tell me he loved me, so doesn’t that mean that we should’ve kissed?” Sanha whined, flopping backwards onto Eunwoo’s bed. "Isn't kissing the universal way of saying 'I love you'? I'm very confident that it is." Moon Bin sighed, looking up from his phone briefly.

        “And why should I care? It’s great you two are finally dating, but I’m not a love doctor.” Bin wrinkled his nose when Sanha rolled over to meet his eyes, puppy dog eyes pretty much a guarantee that Bin was going to be roped into some stupid plan to get Rocky to kiss Sanha.

        “Don’t you want us to be _happy_?” Sanha whined, eyes wide and sparkling in a nearly inhuman manner. “I promise you wouldn’t even have to do that much.” Sanha paused, watching as Bin groaned and rubbed his temples.

        “Why can’t _you_ make the first move? It’s not that big of a deal if you kiss him first.”

        Sanha huffed in exasperation. “You’re kidding, right? The younger person _never_ makes the first move.” Bin’s forehead scrunched up in confusion and Sanha wriggled forward slightly, coming closer to falling off of Eunwoo’s bed. “Oh please. Did you make the first move or did Eunwoo? Do you think Jin Jin made the first move or did MJ?”

        “Hey! Okay, first of all, you’re not even supposed to know about either of those things, and second of all, who cares that out of two couples you know the older person made the first move?”

        “Ah-ha! I knew you were a subbie.” Sanha cackled and Bin choked, turning away from Sanha to cough.

        “When did you become so _vulgar_? I think you’ve been spending too much time with Rocky.” Bin attempted to say calmly, but the bright flush from the base of his neck to the tips of his ears gave away everything Sanha needed to know.

        “I’ll keep your relationship a secret if you help me.”

        “You’re kidding right? Blackmail? You realise the _amount_ of potential blackmail I have on you?”

        “Who would get in more trouble? I’m not the one who’s secretly been sleeping with my roommate for the last couple of months.”

        “Damn, you’re a brat.” Moon Bin sighed, reaching across the gap between the beds to smack Sanha’s head lightly. “ _Fine._ What do you want me to do?” Sanha cheered, lifting his arms slightly and waving them in excited circles before returning to his limp and upside-down position on Eunwoo’s bed.

        “Easy! I just need you to lock us in a closet.”

        _"_ **_Are you five?"_ **

 

 

        “Hey Rocky, can you come help hold something for me? I’m trying to get something off the top shelf, but there’s too much crap in here.” Sanha shuffled around an armful of random books and board games, ignoring Rocky’s whining. “Please?” He begged, and seconds later Rocky appeared in the doorway of the closet, pout set on his lips.

        “Why do you need my help? You’re like 10,000 centimeters tall.” He whined, taking the armful of crap away from Sanha. Sanha grinned and started reaching up to grab something else off the shelf.

        Just like planned, Bin walked by and shut the door, bumping Rocky into the closet completely. “There. Now deal with your teenage hormonal issues on your own.” He grumbled outside the door, lock clicking with finality.

        Rocky dropped everything in his hands, ramming into the door anxiously while calling for help. Sanha turned on his phone flashlight and pulled Rocky back, soothingly rubbing his back.

        “Hey, don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll get bored and let us out soon. Let’s just find something entertaining to do until then.” Sanha suggested, bright smile on his face. Rocky huffed in confusion, but stopped trying to get out when he made eye contact with Sanha.

        “Yeah, but why would he lock us in a closet? And why are you acting so weird?” Rocky said, leaning back into the door. Sanha looked away, watching the circular pattern of light on the ceiling change as he wiggled the light back and forth.

        “I am not acting weird, you’re acting weird!”

        “What have _I_ done that’s even remotely weird today?”

        “I dunno, but you’ve definitely done something weird today! Now, what do you want to do in this closet until we get out? We could play some sort of game?”

        “See! There you go again! You’re being weird.” Sanha squawked in defense but Rocky wouldn’t stop pressing, stepping closer and closer until their toes were almost touching. Sanha tried to back up, but Rocky followed him until his back was pressed against the wall of coats.

        “I _told_ you-”

        “Yeah, I know what you told me. Now try again!”

        “There’s nothing to-”

        “Bin was acting suspicious. He has no reason to meddle. Did you _ask_ him to do this?”

        “No! Why would I?”

        Rocky kept leaning closer, slowly quieting to a harsh whisper. Even with just the dim light of Sanha’s flashlight he could see the flush spreading across Rocky’s cheeks, and could feel Rocky’s fingers starting to curl in Sanha’s t-shirt. For a moment, Sanha forgot all about the “older moves first” and leaned forward, cupping Rocky’s jaw gently.

        Rocky froze, leaning into Sanha’s touch. “What are you-?”

        Sanha leaned in close enough that their noses were touching and their breath was mingling invisibly in the washed out white of Sanha’s phone. “Would you mind if I kissed you? Like, right now?” Sanha whispered, stomach in his throat.

        Rocky hesitated.

        Sanha was dying inside. He could practically feel Rocky’s lips against his, Rocky’s hands against his chest,

        And yet.

        Still no response.

        Sanha started pulling away, hand starting to slip off of Rocky’s cheek.

        “Wait!” Rocky grabbed Sanha’s hand, holding it against his cheek. “Please, kiss me.” He whispered, head tilting up enough that his lips brushed Sanha’s as he spoke.

 

        So, standing awkwardly in a coat closet, with both Sanha’s and Rocky’s hands sweating and awkwardly holding Rocky’s face, Sanha kissed Rocky. He kissed him once quickly, then two more times, then Rocky kissed him back, fingers slowly dipping into Sanha’s soft bleach-damaged hair, brown roots just starting to show past the snow white Rocky had gotten used to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In celebration of Rocky's birthday! And to be honest, all of the other guys's birthdays (except Bin. I'm a little late for his). I wanted to write something fun and stupid, so ta-da!  
> <3 Absey


	34. Unexplainable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so short. I wasn't actually listening to anything while I wrote this, so song rec(s) are Still Breathing - Green Day or Daydream Believer - The Monkees.  
> Enjoy and Stay Safe!

        If Rocky thought falling in love and getting into a relationship with the person he'd been crushing on for almost an entire year would make managing his depression any easier, he was sooo unbelievably wrong.

        It almost felt worse. Like he was betraying someone he loved every time he thought something bad about himself, every time he scratched at his wrist, every time he worked for longer than he should’ve, ate less than he should have, or when he did anything remotely similar to what his entire downward spiral had consisted of. And it was scary.

        If Rocky wasn’t the person who worked himself until he couldn’t anymore, who was he? Once he lost the pain, the passion, the drive that forced him to the brink of his personality, who did he become? Would there be anything of himself left for Sanha to love? Or would it all fade away into a mistake two kids had made before either one truly knew what it was they liked, simply because it was comfortable for them?

        Rocky talked to Sanha about it, constantly. Every time he was met with kind understanding and soft words, explaining the many things about Rocky that Sanha loved which had nothing to do with his mental illness or his struggle. Every time Sanha waited patiently, calming watching and comforting. Rocky constantly was spouting his concerns about how he wasn't good enough for Sanha and how Sanha deserved someone so much better. Deep down, he knew he was right, but he didn't have the strength to do anything about it. And Sanha continued to wait, spreading fluttering kisses all over Rocky's face.

        Which then only created more questions inside of Rocky. Was he taking advantage of Sanha? Was he preying on someone so pure and innocent for a moment of mental reassurance? Why was he unlucky enough to get a mind that hated itself? Why was he left every day with questions with no answer? Would he ever get answers?

 

        That didn’t mean that there wasn’t good with the bad.

 

        Doctor Kim had become a steady and comfortable outlet. Rocky would ask him all the questions he had, tell him all the things that frustrated him, and sometimes, when Rocky was really fed up, Doctor Kim would tell the stories of the kids before Rocky to reassure him. The kids all the stuffed animals belonged to.

        Rocky learned about the little girl who’s dad preyed on her tiny body when she was barely 8, who learned to have to the confidence of the stuffed flamingo that sat on Doctor Kim’s desk. Rocky learned about the little boy who was verbally berated every day by his mother, who learned to cling to the good things in life like the little koala on top of the bookshelf. The little girl who didn’t want to be a girl any more and was kicked out his parents home at the age of 16, who learned to find surroundings that fit him just like the bright chameleon, which sat next to the furry bear from the girl learning to win over her eating disorders and body insecurity, next to the sloth from the boy with the anxiety disorder.

        The stuffed animals went on and on, filling the room with a skin tingling emotion. It was unexplainable, but when Rocky listened as Doctor Kim told story after story the air shifted. It became electric. Doctor Kim told funny stories, sad stories, stories of nameless little kids who had learned to dig their heels in and fight with all their strength.

        That was when Rocky was introduced to his own stuffed animal. It was little and soft, a blue, gray, and white wolf with a poofy tail and black eyes. Doctor Kim had handed it to him with a grin, gently patting it’s head when Rocky tucked it safely in his arms.

        “This will be your companion while you grow. He’s yours for as long as you need him, and he will remind you every day why you’re fighting. When you feel you no longer need him, he’ll always have a home here, to help remind me of everything I learn through my times with you.” Doctor Kim winked, face splitting into his familiar and wrinkly smile. “He’s here to teach and strengthen both of us. Can you keep him for a while?”

        Rocky shrugged, holding the fake little wolf close to his chest. “Sure, I can watch him for a bit, I guess.”

        And so Rocky did. He took that stuffed animal back to his room and set it right next to his bed. When he was sad, or tired, or lonely, or unable to feel anything around him, he would hold the little wolf close to his chest and cry. He became another one of Doctor Kim's fighting little kids, and he wasn't ready to give up just yet.

        Sometimes, when Sanha thought Rocky was asleep, Sanha would lean over and pat the little wolf on its head and thank it for helping Rocky when he couldn’t.

        It was reassuring, even though it was cheaply stitched, ears a little uneven and lopsided, little “w” of a smile crooked.

 

        But sometimes, the wolf (affectionately nicknamed apple by Sanha) didn’t help.

        This was the case when MJ called Rocky on Wednesday, after they had all split up for solo activities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I knew where I was going with this, but it's turned into a mess...  
> <3 Absey


	35. Good for Goodness Sake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song rec is Good for Goodness - Brittain Ashford  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        “Rocky. Come to the hospital as soon as you get this. Don’t tell anybody where you’re going, and use the back entrance. Text me as soon as you get here.” MJ’s voice was hushed and static-y, the background flow of hospital traffic sending shivers down Rocky’s unwilling spine. His blood ran cold in his body, hands and feet going numb as he repeated the message. 

        Sweat clung to his hairline and back because Rocky had stupidly decided he could run to the hospital faster than a driver could take him, so he kept running, phone pressed against his ear as he listened to MJ’s panicked voice on repeat.

        When he got to the hospital, MJ was already pacing by the door and tapping his phone. He caught Rocky’s eye and lit up, rushing out the door to meet Rocky.

        “M, why are we at the hospital? Are you okay? Is something wrong?” Rocky’s chest constricted in inconsistent bursts as he tried to catch his breath, unconsciously following MJ into the hospital. 

        “I’m fine, it’s just-” MJ looked away, teeth gnawing on his red and raw lower lip as he sat down on a bench in front of an unnamed room, “Jin Jin isn’t okay.”

        Rocky froze. “MJ, why did you call me? Why is Jin Jin in the hospital, and why isn’t everybody else here?” There was something unfortunate nagging at the back of Rocky’s mind. Something that was telling Rocky he already knew all he needed to know. MJ’s red-rimmed eyes, disheveled hair, shifting gaze. Rocky regretted asking as soon as the words left his mouth.

        “Look. You can’t tell anyone else you’re here. You can’t tell  _ Jin Jin _ you were here. Okay?” MJ stood up and walked across the hall, alternating between staring at Rocky and staring at the door.

        “MJ, why is Jin Jin in the hospital. Why is nobody else here?” Panic sank deep into Rocky, biting and tearing at his skin.

        “You have to promise me first. I can’t tell you anything until-”

        “Shit, Myungjun. I promise, now tell me what the fuck is going on!”

        MJ flinched, sitting back on the bench, holding his face in his hands. “Jitae.”

        “ _ Shit Myungjun. _ ” Rocky barely breathed, already moving to the door. “I need to talk to Jin Jin, now.”

        “No!” MJ grabbed Rocky’s arms and hauled him away from the door, voice breaking into a high whisper. “Trust me, you don’t want to see Jin Jin now and he won’t want to see you.” MJ dug his nails into Rocky’s arms, carefully keeping his face down. “Jitae and some of his friends got drunk, and I just,” MJ’s voice wavered and Rocky grabbed MJ’s arms, feeling MJ go limp in his arms, “You need to help him. Minhyuk, you’ll help him, right?” This time MJ’s voice gave out into a sob and he clung to Rocky while he cried, entire body shaking with silent sobs.

        After a couple of minutes, MJ took a deep breath, wiped at his face, and stepped back from Rocky with a twisted version of what was supposed to be a smile. “You can help him, can’t you?”

        “I don’t know what,” Rocky shook his head, “what could I do to help Jin Jin?” All Rocky wanted to do was call Sanha, call his mom, then go home to curl up with his family, no concerns or cares in the world. Instead, Rocky was stuck trying to pretending and hiding from his own past.

        “There’s really no point in lying to me.” MJ grumbled, glaring at the speckled floor. “Jin Jin’s already told me about Jitae.” The light came back to MJ’s eyes as he stared at Rocky, hands instinctively curling around Rocky’s. “Jin Jin said he wouldn’t testify by himself, but if you were to testify against Jitae and tell maybe a story or two about the abuse, you two could easily get Jitae locked away. It would be easy! I promise.”

        The world spun around Rocky. He stepped away from MJ and sat down on the hard bench, hands shaking and sweating without Rocky’s permission. “MJ, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve never been abused by Jitae. I don’t have any stories to tell. Besides, two kids against an adult with no complaints and no proof?” Rocky hesitated, trying to calm his racing heart. “There’s no way any stories- even if I could tell some, would get Jitae locked away.”

        MJ sat down by Rocky, staring at him with wide and earnest eyes. “Rocky, listen to me. Jin Jin has all of the proof anyone could need. And,” MJ’s brows furrowed, “if Jitae has ever said anything about how you look, or his feelings towards you, assuming that I’m stupid enough to never have notice the Jitae shaped bruises all over you, that would count as more than enough proof of abuse.”

        “MJ, I-”

        “Jitae is  _ going _ to kill Jin Jin if we let this go. If  _ I _ keep letting this go. Jin Jin needs you, Rocky. Please.”

        “What about everyone else? Where do they think Jin Jin is?”

        “They’ve never been touched. Apparently Jitae has this thing for rappers.” MJ shuddered and Rocky shut his eyes, trying to stop the flood of memories fogging his mind and the way bile burned the back of his throat. “As for the rest of the group, Jin Jin told them he had a meeting to be to. They assume I came to keep him company or something, and if Jin Jin has his way, they will never know what he’s going through.”

        “I don’t know MJ. I need to think about it.” Rocky stood up, legs wobbling underneath him. “I’ll see you back at the dorm.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pretty short, and isn't super interesting, but I'm gonna try and rush post the rest of this story. Sorry for being gone for so long... For the last two weeks I've been trying to convince myself to keep posting. But I'm back!  
> <3 Absey


	36. Scared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song rec is Swallowed in the Sea - Coldplay  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        Rocky couldn’t stop thinking. He thought about Jitae and all of the screwed up things he’d said to Rocky. He thought about Jin Jin and all of the things he had gone through that nobody should have to go through. Rocky thought about Doctor Kim and his not-so-subtle hints that he knew something was up, along with his confidence that he would be able to help.

        But mostly, Rocky thought about MJ. He thought about MJ’s fake smile when he helped Jin Jin back into the dorm, how he frowned as Jin Jin told the story of him tripping at the meeting office, falling down the stairs. He thought about the way MJ clung to Jin Jin, always doing his best to completely smother Jin Jin. The way he always quietly inserted himself between Jitae and Jin Jin, between Jitae and Rocky.

        MJ knew. MJ had known for a long time. Rocky didn’t know when or how he’d found out because MJ never said anything or forced his knowledge and help onto Rocky. And now as MJ was asking for help saving the person he loved, Rocky couldn’t be bothered to put himself in harm's way?

        But Jin Jin always circled back to the front of his mind. Jin Jin’s calm smiles and gentle pleadings for Rocky to stay quiet. The constant assurance that he knew what was going on, the constant assurance that Rocky knew everything that was going on.

        Rocky had no idea of what was going on. Rocky had no idea how much Jin Jin had been going through just to keep Rocky safe, to keep Rocky happy.

        To take that concern and care for Rocky and flip it on it’s back, betraying Jin Jin. How would that be helpful? Jin Jin would never trust Rocky again. Jin Jin would never even  _like_ Rocky again.

 _That’s_. What scared Rocky. He didn’t want to feel unloved by the people that he loved so much.

 

        By the end of the day, Rocky had gotten no closer to making a decision, but had managed to add a few new cuts and probably had started growing grey hair.

        “So have you made a decision yet?” MJ quietly shut the door, sitting down on Sanha’s empty bed.

        “You do realise that if Jin Jin and I do speak out about it, there’s a very high chance that Astro will fail, right? People don’t take kindly to this type of news.”

        MJ sighed, rubbing his forehead, “That’s not true, we have some strong fans who do care for us, and will continue to support us.” When Rocky stared blankly, MJ frowned. “Even if we don’t. Even if Astro does completely fall apart, so what? It’s not like we’re going to abandon each other, even when we move on to bigger and better things. You guys are my family and I refuse to let any of you go.”

        MJ often preferred to hide behind his smiles and jokes, quietly disappearing when he couldn’t keep up the front any more. To hear him speak so earnestly and nervously about the future while maintaining such a calm composure was comforting in a way Rocky didn’t know uncertainty could be. Everything was supposed to make sense when it was planned, scheduled, and expected. It made Rocky wonder about when and if life was ever going to start making sense.

        “You’re really worried about Jin Jin, huh?”

        “You didn’t see him at the hospital.” 

        The conversation died down and they sat in silence. It was heavy and stifling, never quite escaping with each bad breath Rocky exhaled. Eventually, MJ leaned back and pulled out his phone, absentmindedly scrolling through something, white light highlighting his tan and uneven skin.  

        “I’m going to talk to Doctor Kim about it tomorrow. I want to hear what he thinks would be the best thing to do, while hopefully not putting any of our careers in danger.” MJ’s eyebrows jumped up before he sat up and nodded, eyes wide.

        “Does Doctor Kim know about the way Jitae treats you and Jin Jin?”

        “Not yet.”

        MJ hesitated, mouth opening and closing a few times. “You realise once you tell him about this there’s no going back, right?” MJ crossed the room and sat next to Rocky, grabbing his hands. “He’s going to be legally obligated to report Jitae to the officials, then we’ll all have to see it out to the end. Are you ready for that?”

        Rocky paused, feeling the way breath snaked in through his nose down to his lungs, then back out through his mouth. Rocky was waiting for anything that told him it would be bad.

        Anything telling him it would be a mistake to finally put it all out in the open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try and post another short chapter right after I finish editing it, so I guess be on the lookout in maybe an hour or two.  
> <3 Absey


	37. Would You be Mad?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song rec is Tired and Awake - Oliver Riot  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        “Would you be mad if I told you a secret?”

        “Of course not, I’m here to help you, not judge you.”

        “I lied to you.”

        “Oh?”

        “Jitae’s not as good as people think he is. He’s sort of, said things to me, touched me, in ways that aren’t good.” Rocky shut his eyes and dug his nails into his cuts, but he knew that no amount of pain was going to block out the fear fogging his mind. “But I’m actually more worried about Jin Jin.” 

        “Jin Jin? How come?” Doctor Kim scribbled something down, but quickly looked back up to Rocky, face blank. There wasn’t even a hint of his fake and professional smile. Rocky shifted to stare at the faded fake wood of the floor, trying to find nonsensical shapes and patterns in the scuffs and scrapes between his bright white tennis shoes.

        “Jitae’s sort of, worse? To Jin Jin.” Rocky whispered, deciding it was better to keep his eyes shut. He could pretend he was talking to himself. “He’s shut Jin Jin in a closet before for a long time, he also says really creepy things to Jin Jin, punches him, and he’s even cut his thighs a whole bunch. They sort of look like my arms, except Jin Jin would never do something like that to himself.” Rocky’s fingertips massaged deep into his thighs, feeling deep into the grains of his years of muscle, “Those are only the things he’s told me about. I’m sure Jitae’s done worse, and I’m afraid for Jin Jin. I don’t think he’s okay.” 

        In some twisted way, it felt good to finally spill the truth about Jitae. Rocky hadn’t realised how tense he’d gotten as he talked, but his muscles ached when he finally relaxed back into the couch, leather creaking and cracking with each movement.

        “Minhyuk?” When Rocky looked up to Doctor Kim, he was surprised to see his eyes damp and shining behind his glasses. “I’m so proud of you,” Doctor Kim’s voice cracked and he closed his eyes, hands tightening into fists, “I can’t imagine how hard it must have been, telling me all of that. Especially when Jin Jin probably didn’t want you to tell anyone that, right?”

        Rocky nodded, surprised when a tear dripped off his chin, followed by another, then another. Before Rocky knew it, he was sobbing into his hands, violently shaking as he released months of pent up emotion. He couldn’t control the uncomfortable way his face twisted, small and pitiful sounds mixing in with his silent sobs.  

        As Rocky continued cry, Doctor Kim calmly talked to him. He walked him through how the legal process would go, what the interview would look like, and how it was probably going to get a lot of press attention, but it would all end up okay. He repeatedly told Rocky about how things were going to get better because Doctor Kim would be able to help them through the process, as well as help validate their claims. 

        Rocky was finally able to calm down, small hiccups eventually quieting into silence. His face felt tacky and swollen, not to mention the embarrassment he felt from crying in front of Doctor Kim for a ridiculously long time. 

        “Lets end here for today. I want to give you a chance to go and talk to Jin Jin before we have to go report it. The other boys will also need to know what’s going on. Can you do that for me?” Rocky nodded and Doctor Kim stood up, approaching him with a cold water bottle in hand. “I’m  _ so _ proud of you Rocky. I promise I’ll help you through every step of the process.”

        “Thank you.” Rocky croaked, climbing to his feet and accepting the water bottle happily.

        “Minhyuk, would you be alright if I gave you a hug?” Doctor Kim hovered, an anxious and awkward smile twisting the corners of his mouth. Rocky huffed in quiet and awkward laughter but nodded and held his arms open. Doctor Kim pulled Rocky into a tight hug, tucking his arms securely over Rocky’s shoulders. Rocky’s face squished uncomfortably into his shoulder, the seam of Doctor Kim’s jacket pressing roughly into his cheek. 

        Rocky wouldn’t change a thing about their first hug. 

        He had an old smelling cologne on, sort of like the comforting smell of old leather books and fruity herbal tea. Rocky relished in the tight and reassuring hug, pretending for a moment that it was his parents there to support him and help him through every step of his new and screwed up teenage years. 

        “You’re going to be alright. You have a lot of people ready to help, don’t shut them out when they show concern, ok?” Doctor Kim murmured into Rocky’s hair, gently patting Rocky’s back at the same time. 

        Rocky stepped back and nodded, rubbing his face one more time. Doctor Kim grinned, wrinkles creasing his face into a perfect picture of what Doctor Kim had left behind in Rocky’s memory for forever. 

        “Can you do one last thing for me before you leave?” Rocky nodded in confusion, holding his water bottle and journal close to his chest. “I want you to pick out a sticker today. Take whichever one you want and proudly put it on your journal. 

 

        When Rocky finally left the office, his journal was adorned with a small and sparkly wolf sticker, eyes far too big for it’s small and fluffy head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters are pretty short, so when I post I'm gonna try to post 2 at a time  
> <3 Absey


	38. Bridges on Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song rec is New Beginnings - Astrid Holiday  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        Rocky stood in front of his door, fingers twitching towards the handle, but never making it to the cold metal. His stomach jumped and twisted as he rehearsed his speech once more. It was going to be simple, Rocky would talk to Jin Jin for one second, then gather the group and talk about how Jitae treated him. Then he would be done, it would never be the same again. He couldn’t even pretend to know how they were going to react, and it was terrifying enough that Rocky's hand couldn't reach out far enough to begin.

        When the door finally creaked open, allowing a shaky and pale Rocky to enter the door he stopped in surprise. He hadn’t expected to see the group already gathered in quiet discussion, MJ in the middle and Jin Jin nowhere to be seen.

        “Hey guys, where’s Jin Jin?” Everyone snapped to attention when they looked at Rocky. Sanha smiled artificially, Eunwoo tried to discreetly wipe a tear off his face, and Moon Bin licked at his lips anxiously, shifting from side to side.

        MJ was the only one who sighed and motioned for Rocky to come closer. “I’ve been telling them about Jitae,” Rocky’s mouth fell open and MJ put his hands up in defense, “Jin Jin is ready to quit. He's already packing to go home, all because of Jitae.” MJ shut his eyes, jaw muscles twitching and flexing. “He went and “visited” Jin Jin while he worked alone in the practice room. It didn’t go well. I wasn't there.”

        Bile burned the back of Rocky’s throat and his hands and feet went numb. “How is Jin Jin doing now? He hasn’t left already, right?” The other boys watched back and forth as MJ and Rocky spoke. In his peripheral vision, Rocky noticed Bin's eyes slowly narrowing.

        “No, he asked to be left alone but he’s still-”

        “Why aren’t you explaining anything to Rocky?” Bin was staring at Rocky, veins standing out on his neck. “Why does it seem like he doesn't _need_ anything explained to him?” Bin stood up and moved closer to Rocky, eyes dark and hands shaking. “That means two things are possible; maybe, for some odd reason Jin Jin decided to only tell you about this, or, you’ve been keeping it a secret that Jitae treats you the same way. Are you ever going to trust us?” Venom dripped from Bin’s words and Rocky tried to slide away from him. "Am I ever going to be enough for you? To mean anything to you? Or am I forever going to be stuck as some dummy who's there for you on stage and that's it." Bin's voice hissed quieter with each question, stepping closer to Rocky with shaking hands.

        “Bin-” Eunwoo started, trying to grab Bin’s wrist, only stopping when Bin twisted his wrist out of Eunwoo’s grip, muscles rigid.

        “ _Moon Bin_.” MJ snapped. Bin stopped but didn’t look at MJ, chest heaving. “You’re not being helpful right now. Either calm down or get out, this is hard enough for him without your attitude.”

        A few tense seconds passed as nobody moved. Bin continued to stare down at Rocky, face morphed into utter anger and betrayal but he laughed, low and mockingly. “I guess it doesn't matter if I'm here or not. I'll make it easy for you to ignore me.” He growled under his breath before spinning on his heel.

        Eunwoo jumped up after him, face blank. “I’ll go make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.” And with that, he scampered out of the room, eyes darting everywhere except Rocky. Rocky's chest burned and his throat felt like someone was crushing his windpipe. It hurt. Hurt more than anything else Rocky could even imagine.

        The door shut behind them with finality.

        In unison, Rocky and MJ turned to Sanha. He was staring at the floor in front of him, fingers scratching at the rough fabric of the couch.

        “Sanha?” Rocky’s heart jittered, begging Rocky to stop. To take a break before he ruined all of the relationships he had built. Rocky had expected the betrayal and the hurt and the pain, but he hadn’t expected so much anger. So much pure, unfiltered hate directed at him. It contaminated the suffocating guilt with grief and anger as he ripped to shreds the only people that came close to family. The people that were his family, together through every fight.

        “I, uh,” Sanha looked up, a huge and tight lipped smile on his face. It was a bad sign. Sanha only ever smiled like that when he was either trying to hide how he was feeling or when he was seconds away from crying. “I don’t really know what to say.” He finished, sharply sucking air past his grimace of a smile, looking up to the ceiling when his lower lip started trembling. 

        Rocky's entire body jerked in the need to try and comfort Sanha. He had to do something to fix what he'd caused. What he'd broken. Then the echoes of Bin's anger stopped him, fingers twitching as he held his ground, waiting for Sanha to react.

        “I know it’s a big shock, but you need to remember that it has nothing to do with you. Rocky was afraid of what you’d do to help him, not what you’d think of him.” MJ said, calmly reaching out to pat Sanha’s leg. When Sanha looked to Rocky, Rocky nodded harshly and swallowed repeatedly to keep the tears at bay. Sanha nodded once with him, eyes sparkling even more than before.

        “Come here.” He whispered, teeth digging into his lower lip. Rocky slid across the couch, stopping when he was barely within arms reach of Sanha. Sanha laughed wetly when Rocky stopped, holding his arms open. “ _Please._ Come here.”

        Rocky slid a hair closer and Sanha grabbed his arm, pulling him into a tight and awkward hug. Both were twisted weirdly at the hips and Rocky’s knees were digging into Sanha’s thigh, but Sanha sighed in relief when Rocky was in his arms.

        “Are you okay now?” Sanha whispered into Rocky’s hair.

        “I’m so sorry for not telling you earlier. I was so nervous and I didn’t want you to know. I’m so sorry.” Rocky whispered back, fingers finding comfort in Sanha’s soft cotton t-shirt. “I didn’t want you to worry about me.” Finding comfort in Sanha's soft embrace.

        Rocky wasn’t expecting when Sanha crumbled. He nodded against the top of Rocky’s head, then he curled so his chin was hooked against Rocky’s shoulder and a choked cough slipped past his lips before turning into a full body sob.

        Almost instinctively, Rocky slid so that he was sitting on Sanha’s lap and could wrap around Sanha’s torso like a koala. He ran his fingers up and down Sanha’s back and tucked his head into the joint of Sanha’s neck and shoulder, letting Sanha almost silently cry into his shoulder, each whimper digging a little deeper into the suffocating hurt in Rocky's chest.

        “I’m so sorry, Sanha.” It was in moments like that when Rocky realised how strong Sanha really was. After so many years of them knowing each other, Rocky could still count on one hand how many times he'd seen Sanha cry. Seen him show any weakness that wasn't hidden behind anger. Instead he laughed through never ending schedules, giggled through uncomfortable fights between members and was always ready with an awkward but comforting hug, or a joke, or sometimes even just a listening ear.

        “I’m _so_ sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 Absey


	39. I Don't Want to Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song rec is Vienna - Billy Joel

        Once Sanha had finally caught his breath, he responded amazingly well. He listened as Rocky and MJ told him about Jitae, and as Rocky told him and MJ about what was going to happen when he testified. He held onto Rocky up until Rocky crawled away from his lap in order to go and talk to Jin Jin.

        With only one day to get everybody on the same page and willing to face the crowds, Rocky didn’t have any time to sulk and relish in Sanha’s comfort and acceptance.

        He made his way to Jin Jin’s door and knocked quietly, before completely disregarding Jin Jin as he told him to go away and opening the door anyways.

        Rocky imagined this is what he had looked like when he was in the hospital.

        Jin Jin had the lights off and the blinds were closed, the only light coming from the open door in a soft white. Jin Jin’s room itself was a mess, with clothes strewn everywhere around an over-filled and open suitcase.

        Jin Jin himself was leaning against the wall under the window, knees pulled up to his chest with his face buried in his knees.

        Rocky stepped into the entrance of the room and shut the door behind him, wishing that Jin Jin would have some sort of reaction to the noise. Instead he continued sitting, hands holding his legs and crushing them into the tightest ball he could become.

        “I told Doctor Kim about Jitae.” Rocky knew his voice was tight but he couldn’t pretend to be relaxed about the whole ordeal. The tightness came from his regret, his worry, his fear that he had just screwed up in a career ending way while the only thing he could do was patiently endure and pretend he was okay with any outcome.

        Jin Jin’s head snapped up at Rocky’s voice.

        Rocky almost wished Jin Jin’s room was a little darker.

        Jin Jin’s left cheek was splotchy in dark and gross color, spreading from his jaw all the way to the top of his cheekbone. A dark split broke Jin Jin’s lower lip, tenderly swelling up to an unordinary size.

        When Jin Jin didn’t say anything, Rocky continued talking, “He says he has to report it today, but I probably won’t have to testify in court until Monday. After he reports it, Jitae will be placed under arrest and I will be moved to a safe location with anybody else who would like until after the trial.” Rocky was regurgitating facts and based off the empty look in Jin Jin’s eyes as he stared at the wall behind Rocky, it wasn’t doing anything to comfort him.

        That’s when it really sunk in.

        Jin Jin had given up.

        He didn’t care what happened next, as long as he wasn’t there to witness it. He was preparing to get up and walk away from everything he had worked for. And for some reason, that made Rocky mad.

        “We’ve made it this far and you’re going to run away now?” That was definitely the wrong thing to say. Rocky wasn’t supposed to be the one comforting anyone, he had no idea what he was doing. What if he screwed this up even more? What if he was the one who pushed Jin Jin over the edge?

        He would never recover.

        Jin Jin jerked in surprise then tucked his head back under his hands, doing his best to hide from Rocky and his heart shattered. Jin Jin didn’t need a stern talking to. He didn’t need facts. When they were this far in, the facts of the case mattered to Jin Jin about as much as the fact that depression was a real disease mattered to Rocky. It didn’t make him feel better. It didn’t fix him.

        He needed a friend.

 

        “Look, Jin Jin. What I’m trying to say is, we’ve made it. We’re finally done.” Rocky sank to the ground across Jin Jin, bracing himself against the door. “As of this time next week, maybe in two weeks, _max_ , Jitae will be out of our lives forever. He’ll be rotting in a jail cell somewhere everybody hates him because everybody hates child abusers. But after that, Astro is going to need you Jin Jin. We need our leader.” Jin Jin looked up at Rocky slowly. “ _I_ need my friend. My leader who always tries his best. Who has everyone’s schedule memorized and helps keep all of us in check. Who motivates me when I’m tired, listens to me when I’m sad, and works so hard for me.” Rocky inched closer to Jin Jin, sliding forward on his knees. “Testify with me so we can go back to being Astro. So we can go back to being a family.” As Rocky finished he fell forward, forehead resting on his hands in a perfect bow.

        Jin Jin finally moved, barely lifting his head up. “Rocky, I’m tired.” His voice was a hoarse whisper and talking sounded like it pained him but when Rocky looked up at Jin Jin, there was still the same soft love in his eyes that had become Rocky’s favorite part of Jin Jin. “I’m scared. I don’t want to be alone again and everybody else probably hates me now.”

        Rocky’s insides crumbled. This was it. This is when he was going to have to say goodbye to Jin Jin. “But,” _But?_

        “But I don’t want to be done yet.” Jin Jin’s voice cracked and a tear ran down his cheek. “I don’t want to give up. I want to keep going. I want to keep leading Astro.”

        Rocky’s throat _burned_ . He laughed and sat up, wiping his own tears off of his cheeks. “ _Good._ You can’t give up yet. We still haven’t released our second album.” He lunged at Jin Jin and hugged him desperately, only letting go when Jin Jin hissed in pain.

        “I think we’ve currently got bigger things to worry about. What do you think they’ll say to me?” Jin Jin rubbed the back of his neck, gently stretching his legs out in front of him.

        “They can’t be any angrier than they are at me.”

        “Why would they be angry at you? What did they say to you?”

        “Well, it’s mainly Bin that’s angry at me.” Rocky shrugged, gnawing on his lip. “Eunwoo can’t look at me, apparently MJ already knew, and Sanha is far kinder than I deserve.” Jin Jin eyed Rocky warily. “Bin’s angry because he thinks I don’t trust him. After I get everything settled and ready with everyone else I’m gonna go talk to him.” Rocky shook his head, leaning back against the wall with a sigh, “I doubt you’ll have any problems with anybody and I mean it.”

        “I think I should wait until at least tomorrow to talk to them.”

        “I can guarantee that MJ will not leave you alone until tomorrow. Everybody else still thinks that you’re going to be gone in a few hours,” Rocky frowned when Jin Jin grimaced, “at least let everyone know you’ve changed your mind. Then you can come back in here and give them some space, if you want.” Rocky knew with everything happening he should be scared, nervous, or horrified, but he couldn’t stop the elation flowing through his veins.

        Jin Jin wasn’t leaving.

        They were going to be okay.

        “Lets go out and face them together.”

 

        Jin Jin’s grip was suffocating, sweaty, and all together not very comfortable but Rocky held on just as tight. Their sides brushed with every step, arms bent in front of them so they could help each other stand on shaking legs as they walked down the hall.

        MJ and Sanha’s quiet conversation ended when the pair entered the room. They hadn’t even made it two steps before MJ was on his feet and cautiously letting them take him closer to Jin Jin, face pinched in quiet and careful pain, eyes shining.

        Seconds dragged on.

        MJ stopped feet away from Jin Jin and Rocky felt Jin Jin’s hand lose all heat, turning into a clammy clamp on Rocky’s numbing hand.

        “Jin Jin has something he needs to tell you guys, and it can’t wait till tomorrow.”

        Three pairs of eyes turned on Jin Jin. He turned to Rocky for a second before returning MJ's intense stare, a sparkle in his eyes and thickness in his voice the starting point of it all. “I, uh,” tears started clinging to his lashes and his bottom lip wavered, stopping only when he dug his teeth into the split and bruised skin, “I’m not going to go. MJ-,” Jin Jin sobbed once through gritted teeth, “MJ, I don’t want to leave yet. Can I stay? I want to stay. MJ-”

        A high whimper slipped past MJ’s lips and he harshly sucked in air while nodding repeatedly, pulling Jin Jin away from Rocky and into his arms.

        Together they fell apart, sobbing into each other's necks, arms desperately holding on.

        “Please stay with me.” MJ choked out, taking a tiny step back so he could gently cup Jin Jin’s cheeks, both of their faces red and puffy, tears gently being wiped away by the other. “I’ll take care of you,” MJ’s voice cracked, “I’ll always take care of you.”

        Jin Jin’s voice was barely a whisper when he started repeating ‘I don’t want to go’ while MJ pressed kisses all over the unbruised side of Jin Jin’s face. Rocky decided it was personal enough that he looked away, sneaking over to Sanha.

        For the second time that day, silent tears were rolling down Sanha’s cheeks but this time they were accompanied by a bright grin, full cheeks rosy and warm. Sanha and Rocky stared at each other, tears dripping off of Sanha’s chin.

        Everything was getting better.

        It hurt. Burning in a way Rocky was sure his insides were going to collapse and he would fall to the ground in an instant. But when they glanced back to MJ and Jin Jin’s gentle embrace, the two just starting to smile, Rocky felt life bloom in his chest.

        Everything was getting better.

        In a breath, everything had settled. The suffocating feelings regressed into the silence of the dorm and the four boys were back in the same space.

        Then, Sanha wordlessly looked back to Rocky and nodded. Rocky nodded back.

        It was time. Rocky had to go talk to Bin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To anybody still keeping up with this story-  
> Sorry for taking so long with such mediocre results.  
> I'm really struggling right now, but I'm still going to finish this story, but I may switch to trying to upload once every two weeks.


	40. The Long Haul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long chapter, so I'ma give to song recommendations. The first is Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd  
> and the second is Mostly - Vian Izak because this song has been on repeat pretty much nonstop since I found it. It also fits a little better for the last bit of the chapter (at least in my opinion).  
> Enjoy and stay safe!

        Sometimes, Rocky wondered if he and Bin had accidentally been separated at birth. They had only known each other since their early teen years but it felt like they had already grown old together, watching each grow and flourish in ways they were sure they’d never be able to.

        Sometimes, Rocky wished he’d never met Bin.

        He didn’t want to look into Bin’s tearstained face, gaunt with shadows and tell him that he wasn’t okay. That he probably would never be okay. He didn’t want to see the anguish he was causing Bin, simply by existing.

        It was in those moments that Rocky would pull himself to reality and go and sit with Bin. He could care less what Bin was doing. Whether it was watching a performance, playing a game, or practicing lines or moves, Rocky would bask in the presence of someone who loved him and who kept continuing to love him. Each time Bin would laugh at Rocky’s blank stare, taking every opportunity to get back at Rocky for years of his merciless teasing.

        Would Bin ever be able to look at Rocky again? Would that seed of hatred stick in Bin’s heart and grow into a black and malicious emptiness where Rocky used to be? It was understandable, with everything Rocky had put him through. With everything he had yet to put him through.

        As much as Rocky hated his thoughts, he had to accept their plausibility as he walked down to the training building.

        On the flipside, there was a chance that Bin would understand. He would open his arms again and things could go back to the way they were before, maybe even better, strengthened through everything they’d been through together. And he hated it more that he didn’t know which possibility was going to happen. He felt so unprepared.  

        Rocky opened the door and went inside, no longer seeing the world around him. He was trapped in all the scenarios that could arise, playing them one by one so he would be prepared. So he wouldn’t make a scene. No matter the outcome.

        He was far enough in his own head that he didn’t notice when Eunwoo showed up in front of him, gently holding Rocky’s shoulder to prevent him from walking full speed into Eunwoo.

        “Hey, Rocky, how are you doing?” Eunwoo casually pulled Rocky further into the lobby, warm hand kneading the tense knot of muscle in Rocky’s trapezius.

        “Yeah, yeah I’m doing okay. I’m just getting ready to go talk to Bin.” The world felt fuzzy and Rocky was sure he was going to pass out. “Can I talk to you a bit later? I’m a little stressed about it and don’t have much time to get everything sorted out before-” a lump blocked the rest of his sentence. He didn’t want to say _before I end up leaving Bin behind_. “Before,” If he left now, would he ever see Bin again?

        Would that be what broke Astro up?

        Then Rocky was crying again, held tight in Eunwoo’s thin but strong arms, keeping him millimeters away from the very edge of his mentality.

        Eunwoo slowly walked them to a side office and sat down on the floor. Rocky ended up in a half laying down position, legs strewn across the floor with his upper body supported against Eunwoo’s chest.

        After a minute of silence, Eunwoo spoke.

        “Look, Rocky. Minhyuk. Whatever. I know I’m not the friendliest person, and I’m not really the closest with anybody in the group-”

        “Eunwoo,-”

        “No, just listen.” Eunwoo was quiet but stern. He was smiling, but there were defined tear tracks down his cheeks. “I’m right, and we know it. I’m not as funny as MJ, or cheerful as Sanha, or as perceptive as Bin, or as caring as Jin Jin, and we both know I’m nowhere near as passionate as you are,” Eunwoo idly smoothed Rocky’s hair, “but I am good at a lot of things. I’ve also been in the same mindset you have been in before. And I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been through.” Eunwoo shut his eyes and leaned back fully against the door, letting Rocky’s propped up head rest against his legs. “Bin is someone lucky enough to not know what it’s like to have a brain turned against you. He doesn’t understand me, and he won’t be able to understand you either and that’s what scares him. That’s what makes him so mad.”

        Eunwoo laughed bitterly and Rocky shut his eyes, listening to Eunwoo’s deep and even breathing.

        “He loves both of us so much. I think as much as he’s able to love anyone outside his family. So to hear-” a quiet shuddering breath, “he’s terrified. He’s angry. He feels betrayed by Jitae. He wishes he had been able to help when he had the chance. He was desperate to help, but didn’t know how to. He wanted, so badly to have acted. To have been able to connect the dots faster. If he had been paying more attention,”

        Eunwoo laughed one more time, much more realistically and Rocky opened his eyes. “I’ve never been good with words. I guess what I’m trying to say is that, I want to understand and I’m here to listen and help whenever you need me. I get why you didn’t feel like you could tell me about Jitae and I’ll be by your side throughout the entire process. And, Bin-” Eunwoo nodded with pursed lips, “Bin, will be okay. He’ll learn, he’ll grow. Don’t worry about him.”

        Rocky nodded, brain slowly clicking the world back into focus, in time with the push and pull of Eunwoo’s chest and voice as he spoke.

        Eunwoo helped Rocky up, pulled him in for one last hug, then directed him towards the practice room Bin was hiding in with a short kiss to his forehead.

        It was a short discussion and Rocky knew Eunwoo deserved more, but Eunwoo had managed to pull the world back into Rocky’s grasp and Rocky needed to used this moment of reassurance to his benefit.  

 

        The moment was long over by the time Rocky had climbed the flight of stairs and was standing in front of the heavy sliding door to the practice room.

        The more time Rocky spent immersed in the suffocating fear, the more he was sure he was going to adjust at some point. The way chills ran up and down his spine while his stomach repeatedly lurched in a horrible loop, causing cold sweat to slide between his shoulder blades and tangle in his hairline. Over the last 8 months that feeling had been the only constant in his life.

        That particular and peculiar feeling. That feeling is what started it all, at least according to Rocky.

        It had all started gradually, in little thoughts and little moments of intense feelings. But as it grew and grew, it became something that he no longer had control of. It was a constant nagging feeling that never gave him a break. At his worst, he was sure that he was never going to be rid of the awful rotation between a numbness that couldn’t be cured by any pain and a sadness that couldn’t be cured by the happiest smile or the cutest puppy.

        Except he had grown. He had made it past the worst he could imagine, thanks to Doctor Kim. Thanks to Sanha, and Eunwoo, and MJ, and Jin Jin, but most of all because of Bin and the time-grown ties he had with Rocky.   

        To know that Bin was also one of the few to cause Rocky’s brain to rip itself apart with worry and fear… the double-edged sword of it was frustrating.

        And then the door opened.

        It revealed Bin in all his glory, with a tangled mess for hair, red-rimmed eyes filled with tears, and a slight trickle of blood from a small self-inflicted scratch just below his jawline. He slid the door open wider and said, “come in, lets talk,” with a noticeable enough waver to his voice that Rocky looked up into his eyes with a heart wrenching smile.

        “Are you sure you want to do this? I’ll be fine. We could just go back to the way things were before? I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already have.”

        “No. No, I’m not sure you could hurt me anymore than you already have.” Rocky slowly entered the room, hating the raspy choke of Bin’s voice. “I’ve watched you cry, I’ve watched you hurt, I’ve watched you hate yourself, hurt yourself, try to kill yourself, and fall apart, all without turning to me. Do you know how that feels?” Bin shut his eyes and pressed his shaking hands into his legs. “No, you don’t. And I hope you never do.”

        “Bin, I-”

        “See, here’s the thing. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to yell, fight, have you apologize to me. To have a big dramatic moment that would ensure we’d never make the same mistake. But I could care less about all of that now.” Bin sat down against the glass of the wall. “Really, I’m just scared. I’m sad, worried, lost and I can’t think of one useful thing that I can do to help.” Silence lingered while Bin collected himself. “So I want you to talk. I just want to hear what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling, really about anything. Don’t I deserve at least that much?”

        “What do you want me to talk about?” It all seemed too easy. Why wasn’t Bin still mad at Rocky? Why did Rocky feel worse about Bin already having forgiven him? Somewhere in the distance music started playing, an unfamiliar bass line thumping against the mirrors around them.

        Bin stood up and moved towards Rocky, frowning when he noticed the way Rocky’s entire body stiffened and leaned away from him. “I’m gonna be completely honest with you, so I hope you’ll be honest with me.” Bin wasn’t smiling but he wasn’t frowning either, with his palms open and facing Rocky. “It’s been a long time since we’ve had a meaningful conversation with just the two of us. Selfishly, I want to hear you talk. So talk about anything you want. Just _talk_ to me, please.”

        Rocky nodded and looked around the small room as he scanned his brain for anything to talk about. That was when his mind went blank and his mouth dried out, leaving him opening and closing his mouth like a dying fish. “I, uh,” Swallowing felt like trying to force a piece of sandpaper down his throat, “I,” his hands started shaking. He had to say at least something to Bin. That’s all he wanted, a simple conversation. Yet the only thing running through Rocky’s head was _I’m sorry. I’m so sorry._ So, he shut his eyes tight, blocking out the harsh iridescent lights from above, “Sorry,” he laughed pitifully, “I can’t think of anything to say other than sorry. Even _sorry_ doesn’t seem good enough.”

        Bin exhaled through his nose. When Rocky opened his eyes Bin was closer than before, arms wide open. Bin gestured to Rocky and Rocky’s legs started working without the permission of his brain.

        Bin pulled Rocky into a tight hug. Even though Bin wasn’t that much taller than Rocky, he completely engulfed Rocky, hands rubbing soothing circles into Rocky’s back, warm cheek pressed against Rocky’s with a slight pinch from the way his ear piercing pressed into Rocky’s cheek. “Look,” he stepped back, hands still holding Rocky’s shoulders, “I know you’re not okay. I know you’ll probably never be the same. But after a lot of thinking and a lot of google searching,” Bin’s eyes glinted, tears catching the light and reflecting the almost magical amber color of his eyes.

        When Rocky was little, he had always been jealous of Bin’s eyes.

        “I’m not your therapist. I don’t need to hear all the explicit details of your trauma, or even about your depression. What I _am,_ is your friend.” Bin wouldn’t look away from Rocky, “I _am_ very invested in your well-being. And if that means you can’t tell me everything, I’ll learn to be okay with that. You’ll do what you need to, and I’ll be here for you whenever you need. But that means you can’t completely shut me out when I come to you.”

        Rocky didn’t think he’d ever stop being slightly jealous of Bin’s maturity.

        “I don’t deserve to have a friend as good as you.” Rocky mumbled as Bin pulled him in another hug.

        “Whether you think you deserve it or not, I’m with you for the long run.” Bin stepped back and sniffed, laughing as he wiped his face. “But, when that bastards finally in jail, you owe me a drink.”

        Rocky couldn’t help but laugh, eyes filling with tears as his legs gave out and he sank to the ground. Bin casually sat down next to Rocky, legs contently splayed out in front of him.

        “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

        Bin snorted, “You should be thanking Eunwoo. He was less than impressed with my,” Bin’s fingers danced out in circles in front of him, “emotional performance. He came and talked some sense into me right after we left.”

        “I have a lot to thank Eunwoo for.” Rocky looked shrewdly at Bin. “But one thing I definitely _don’t_ need to thank him for is turning you into such a sap.”

        “I am _not_ a sap!”

        “The fact that you make kissy-faces at Eunwoo pretty much every five minutes discredits any argument you have.”

        “Oh please, have you taken a look at you and Sanha? If I have to witness one more sickeningly sweet movie cuddle session…” Bin pretended to gag.

 

        “Ok but you know who the very _worst_ is?”

        Bin rolled his eyes, “Of course-”

        “MJ and Jin Jin.” They finished simultaneously before snickering at each other. Some things would never change between them.

        But the things that did change between them were always for the better. They were in the long haul together, willing to help each other grow and be better, even when they didn’t want to.

        

        They were family. No matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter feels so important and so pivotal that I was absolutely terrified to write and post it. I've finally edited enough and worked up the confidence that I think it's a pretty good chapter!  
> (In other news, I have literally no idea how many more chapters we have to go. It could be 5, it could be 20. My story boarding is a mess.)  
> <3 Absey


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